5 Feb, 2001
Dear Phyllis,
Thank God for your letter that arrived today. I scarcely
know what to say. The feelings are mixed but overwhelmingly positive. From a
purely selfish position it was a great relief to see a letter form you. From a
spiritual position, I greatly rejoice in Ted’s promotion. Praise God he
finished his course well, and made it safely over the River. From a human
position my heart weeps with you.
Certainly there is nothing wrong with going to heaven. We
talk about it all our life and our Lord clearly taught us that it is the goal
of living. Volumes could be written and have been written on this subject and
it can all be summed up in the declaration that we rejoice with Ted in this
ultimate achievement and wait for the moment when we will join him.
From a purely selfish position, I have been much concerned
that I had over stepped the boundaries of common courtesy and offended you all
by some of the extreme letters I have written. I have been embarrassingly sanguine
over this supreme trial you have been going through. I have never meant to make
light of your sorrow and heart wrenching valley as you had to watch Ted slip
lower and lower in the water as he was making his way across the River. But – I
am sure we all agree – that going to be with the Lord is the greatest blessing
any of us will ever experience.
No one in our family was saved at the time, but I shall
never forget the time my father passed from this world. He was in the hospital
with a heart attack and the day came when we knew it was the last. I was in the
room next to his reading the morning paper and my mother came in to ask if I
wanted to be with dad as he left. I was numb and simply couldn’t move. My
mother and sister were more devoted and wanted to be with him, but ten minutes
a nurse brought them back to the room where I was waiting. It was just too
much. We stood there in silence for an eternity until the doctor came in to say
it was over. For a Christian the passage is frequently different. I have heard
many heart warming testimonies of angels, smiles, and great peace; but
obviously the Lord chose the right time and way for you to be home as Ted made
his way through the Gate by himself. There is no way anyone could help him and
– no doubt – it was easier on you. I share with you the flood of peace that
came over your soul when you heard the news. Your letter produced the same
emotion in me.
Robertson McQuilkin had a brother that the Lord took when he
was very small. Robertson’s father said, “Lord Jesus, when Lazarus died, Martha
and Mary could say, ‘Lord if you had been here our brother would not have
died.’, but I can’t say that. Lord, You were here.” The Lord has given us very
little understanding on how He transports the soul from earth to heaven. It
wouldn’t surprise me if we are carried there by angels or the presence of the
Lord Himself comes to receive us. That would seem to be the case with Stephen.
I have heard the testimonies of many saints who have had a brief glimpse of the
other side just as they were leaving and such testimonies are very comforting.
In Ted’s case it was a long wade out into the water which prepared your heart
to the degree that you were asking the Lord to do what we all knew He must do,
and yet no one wanted to see the final moment come. One thing we do know is
that times like this are major events in heaven. He has told us that “Precious
in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” This has been a very
special time for the Lord and I am sure He is meeting with you in ways that you
never knew before.
I just got back from SEA a few days ago and your Christmas
letter was waiting in a packet of mail for me. I read that with some confusion.
You really didn’t say much except that Ted was not improving. I have wondered
for months exactly what state of consciousness he was in and could only guess
whether or not he was conversant with his surroundings. I felt foolish writing
letters, “Dear Ted & Phyllis…” and yet if he was still conscious I wanted
to write to him also. I didn’t mean to weigh you down with a flood of personal
mail but I was enjoying writing those letters so much it was almost the high
light of the week for me. But I could only guess what a response they were
producing on your end.
Perhaps one of the most inappropriate was the one about Shelton
Allen. That was a shock for me. I hadn’t seen Shelton
in over 25 years but remember his testimony when he was a living legend here in
Japan. My
friends were in the states and talked about this kawaiso missionary and I
missed who they were talking about. When I asked about Shelton
they said, “That is who we were visiting.”, and showed me his picture. That
seemed so out of character with the traditional missionary stories and
victorious translations that we feel should be the way the Lord would take His
servants home. Your experience is similar. Correy Ten Boon had a hard time
getting over the River. It was a terrible process. Sigrid Ridal, a German
sister we knew very personally here had a terrible struggle. We prayed for two
year that the Lord would take her – and He didn’t. Finally the end came and we
all gave a sigh of relief. Such things are a mystery, but I am sure the Lord
has a very good reason for doing what He does and some day we will apologize
for our foolishness and thank Him for His marvelous ways.
Forgive another personal reference, but if Rosemary had died
a long lingering agonizing death with cancer I would feel more comforted than
the detestable way that our family died. There is victory with Ted. He went nobly
and Christ was honored. Ours is nothing but the epidemic of sin and a disgrace
to the Name of Christ. One of the reasons that I am anxious to get involved in
dangerous missions in SEA is that Christ has been so horribly dishonored
through my life individually and corporately with my family that I can only
wish for death. I can only hang my head in shame and am embarrassed to call
myself a Christian. No Christian family should ever be a disgrace to the Name
of Christ the way that mine was. And the biggest tragedy is that I don’t even
know what I did that was wrong.
Three times I have gone to SEA on what I was sure was a one
way mission. Twice I have written farewell letters to my sister to be sent in
the event that I didn’t return. Twice I have been arrested and miraculously
still have a clean record and have not been black-listed. The fellows in Thailand
that work in Laos
still can’t believe what happened a year and a half ago when I was arrested in
Salavan. This last time was equally amazing. We were big news in Vietnam
and by every standard we should be banned from there for life, but – as far as
we know – we never got black-listed and are free to go back.
Our last night on the road Mark had a strange demonic
attack. He is a courageous brother and has done some very dangerous things for
the past nine years, but that night he was assailed with panic fear. It was so
bad he was sweating in a cold room. I thought it was funny but he was panic
stricken for two hours. That has cooled him down and he isn’t too anxious to go
back in there again, but I am looking forward to the next trip.
Yesterday was Sunday and that was the first Sunday in over
four months that I haven’t written you a letter (when I could). For some
strange reason I just didn’t feel like it and then today your letter came
telling of Ted’s promotion. Praise God for His preventive grace! I was looking
forward to this time and wanted to write you a special letter on the occasion
of Ted’s promotion to heaven, but this isn’t a very spiritual letter. All I can
do tonight is to sit here in silence and share with you your loneliness.
Loneliness is real and there is no sense in trying to pretend that it isn’t.
Jesus is with us and yet we are lonely. Strange. Jesus was a Man of sorrows and
acquainted with grief. Yet how we dread this fellowship. Let’s let sorrow do
its work if it will only make us more into His likeness. You will get used to
it. You have had several months of practice and I have had ten years, but it
still is lonely. That is why I enjoy writing you so much. Even by writing
letters once a week there is still a measure of fellowship and in this we are
fortunate. Jesus has written us a Letter and we sense His fellowship when we
read His Letter.
Thank God it won’t be long and we have a very bright future
in just a few more miles down the road. Ted made it and so will we. Let’s
rejoice with him tonight and console ourselves that each step only takes us
that much nearer. What a story he has to tell us and I am anxious to hear it. Weeping
may endure for a night but joy will come in the morning.
Good night, Phyllis.
In Christ,bill
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