Marriage Advice

6 February 2011

 Dear Phyllis,

The other day a friend wrote me a disturbing letter saying that his brother and wife were on the verge of disaster in their marriage. In reply I wrote him the following letter:

Dear Tim,

As we say in Japan – arigato (thank you) – for your e-mail. You may have written the wrong guy about the problem of George’s marriage. You talk about over-simplification; no one looks at problems more simplified than me.

My marriage blew apart 21 years ago. My views on that subject are extremely strong. I have a good look from my position in retrospect and see where there are a few things I might have done differently. I dislike the American approach and solutions very much. To me there is only one guiding star in the sky -  THE WILL OF GOD.

This factor is totally absent in the American code of thinking. When I was going through my hell and the myriads of counselors we went to, there was not one who suggested that this should be a consideration.

A few years ago a very famous pastor and his wife came to Japan for our missionary conference. They told how their son, who was also a pastor, came to their house one night totally shattered. His wife wanted a divorce. They fought that for two years. Gil said the thing that finally saved the situation was when the young wife made a decision to do something – that was the last thing on this earth that she wanted to do – OBEY GOD.

Today, no one (very few) puts this on the table as something to be considered.

The problem with modern psychology – and that includes Christian psychology – is that they start from a position of the human problem and work towards a solution. “How can we improve this situation?” The prevailing mentality is “God wants me to be happy. I am not happy with you. Obviously God wants me to drop you and try someone nicer.” This is the justification for an enormous number of Christian divorces. The fact that God is adamantly opposed to breaking that marriage vow, and dishonor His Name, is never considered in the equation. The bottom line for most American thinking is – what will make me the happiest? No one considers – what will be the most honoring to God?

Many women in Japan put up with terrible situations for the sake of the children or to protect the family name. But in America a staggering number of Christian women leave their husbands simply because they feel their needs are not being adequately met. A mission lady once told a friend of mine, “If I was your wife I would have left you years ago.” He replied, “That is probably true. But by that statement you have told me what you think of the permanence of marriage and your commitment to Christ.” That wasn’t real polite but what he said was accurate and true. That kind of thinking has no place in a Christian’s mind – much less in their speech.

 Living in the Orient most of my life gives me a much different perspective on life. Jim Dobson had Gary Smalley on his broadcast one day, and Smalley told a funny personal story. He and his wife had decided to work on something to put a little more zip in their marriage. They were in Hawaii for a few days and one morning Gary felt motivated to activate the program but his wife didn’t. Later that morning his staff came to him and asked, “Gary, what is wrong with Norma? She came down looking like a thunder cloud this morning.” She was ugly all day. That night they were at an ice cream store and told the clerk that the couple that was with them were getting married. She was all excited and advised them to buy an excellent book by Gary Smalley on marriage. They didn’t tell her who they were but thank her for the good advice. On the way out of the store Smalley’s wife turned to him and said, “You should read that book.” Dobson and everyone thought that was a very funny story. I thought his wife is was disgrace to the Name of Christ. In the Orient, most unsaved women would wonder how a person could be so sensitive and self-centered.

Ninety eight percent of the American Christian message is what God has done – or can do – for us. God sent Jesus for us. God sends the Holy Spirit to enable us to live a better life. Everything is FOR US. No one ever suggests that perhaps God has created us FOR JESUS. That we might live a life to honor Jesus. The thought that maybe we might be FOR JESUS never crosses their mind. In heaven the central issue is not, what I can get from Jesus, but what can I do to bring honor and glory to Him? If that was the determining factor in marriages, the thought of divorce would be impossible.

The focus is all wrong. The focus has made us to believe that the main objective is to have all our needs met. Obviously this is not going to happen in any Christen marriage. No partner is perfect. And when a person feels that their needs are not being met, they start looking to see how they can improve the situation. The name of the game is to correct the other person so I will be happier. They go to a counselor, and the counselor tells the husband to be a better man or the woman to be a better wife. That is not the right answer. The answer is to tell both partners to get right with God. Quit being self-oriented. Rather than being focused on how can I get my needs better met, get focused on how can I bring more honor to Jesus.

The first thing is to consider how they can bring glory to God by being willing to suffer for Jesus’ sake. No one who is serious about honoring the Lord could possibly consider a divorce. The next thing is to see how they can be more Christ-like in having a servant’s heart, be loving, and cheerful. This should be uppermost in the heart of every Christian every day. Marriage or no marriage, we are responsible to manifest the character of Christ to everyone we meet every day. If this is not real it is virtually a repudiation of a Christian testimony. How is it possible for two Christians obeying the Lord and manifesting His character to each other think of a divorce?

It might not be a happy road, but I will tell you one thing, battered women who put up with difficult husbands bring far more honor to the Lord than women who want out of a stressful situation. Persecuted Christians bring more glory to God than those who live in a happy land. Those who tough-out a difficult marriage, bring more glory to God than those who are primarily interested in their own happiness.

When I was going through my hell the most used word was “dysfunctional marriage”. When that word was sounded, that turned the alarm bell on that suggested a divorce was looming in the near future. Obviously a dysfunctional marriage is not what God wants, so we must consider how we change that situation. My foot! What marriage isn’t somewhat dysfunctional? Where, pray tell, in the Word of God does it tell me that that is a criteria, or a justification, for me to abandon my reasonability to obey the Lord?

 Obviously I have written this letter from a male perspective. But the door swings both ways. It is applicable to both sides of the marriage.

 Of course, we want to do our best. Of course, we want to be a good husband or a good wife. But marriage is not a 50-50 arrangement. It is 100-0. In that scenario it doesn’t matter what the other person does. I still have a total commitment to obey Jesus even if the other person is a rat. It is not reciprocal. It is not “I will love you IF you love me”. It is –“I am here to follow and obey Jesus come hell or high water.”

There are a couple of other factors. Unfaithfulness is a major sin. The Lord seemed to indicate that that was a consideration for divorce, but that certainly is not a command. Many are the marriages that have been saved after one partner was unfaithful, by repentance, forgiveness, and a determination to honor Christ by keep going.

Another shigata ga nai (there-is-nothing-you-can-do-about-it) scenario is when the other partner flat leaves. We have a couple in Thailand where the missionary husband said straight out that he preferred sex with men to his wife, and left. They both are still in Chiang Mai. He is living with a male lover and she has the children trying to serve the Lord. There is nothing the wife can do about it. When the Lord weighs in on that issue, we will hear what He thinks about it. But it might be tough for the husband. Eternity is a long time to spend in the flames of hell. He might have been smarter if he had stayed with his wife.

Gomen nasai (I’m sorry). I told you you wrote to the wrong man. I am highly simplistic. It is just a matter of what we think of Jesus, and how far we are willing to go in obeying and following Him. The American way has a lot of options, but I see the Bible as being pretty narrow. The bottom line is, WHAT WILL BRING THE MOST GLORY TO GOD?

You can tell George or his wife they can write me anytime, but what I have to say might not be that helpful.

Thanks again for writing,

                                                bill