Week of Heart Ache

2 September 2012

 

Dear Phyllis,

 

This past week has been a tough one. I got hit with three very heavy broad-sides. This has brought out the worst in me. Last Tuesday we had a most unfortunate incident. We have some friends here in town that have a son. The father has spoken to me several times about what is going on, and my heart sort of goes out to the boy. He is not perfect, and some of the criticism that I hear may be justified. But I think he is a pretty good kid trying to give it his best shot, with an arrow that doesn't want to go straight. By DNA he is under-motivated, and has had a bad background up to this point. He has blown out of the house a couple of times and has come over to talk with Pammy. She has been a mother, sister, and counselor to him. I have greatly admired the support she is for him.

 

Last Sunday, Pammy had to go back to her home city of Lampan due to the death of a Christian brother down there. As she was leaving our muban (housing area) she ran into Sammy. Pammy called me from the main gate to tell me that there had been a bad blowup in his house and he left to come over to talk with her. Pammy didn't have the time to spend with him, and she said she was going to take him with her to Lampan. I knew the kid's heart and agreed that that was the right thing to do. His father, Harry, frequently comes to see me, and I was conflicted what I should do about telling his dad where he was. Pammy told me that Sammy had requested that I not tell his dad that he was with her. The next day I did see his dad and he asked me if Sammy was in our house. My honest reply was, “No”. I did intend to tell his father later what had happened, but chose to honor the boys request to not divulge his presence at that time.

 

Two days later Pammy was on her way home with Sammy and his dad happened to be at my house at the time. I knew I had to tell him the truth. He handled it extremely poorly. Harry is an extremely intense man and is as volatile as any man God ever created. To say he came uncorked would be a gross understatement. Like you never saw a mad man. He was almost incoherent as he raved how wicked I was in not telling him where Sammy was when I knew it all the time. He said Jane had asked him,“Do you suppose Bill knows where Sammy went?” He replied, “No. Bill is a Christian, and if he knew he would tell us right away.”He raved how bitterly disappointed he was in me, and warned never to darken their door again. For one hour I listened to a tirade that is better deleted than repeated. Much of it was directed against me, but a tremendous amount of the tirade was how bad the kid was. “He is lazy! He is NO GOOD! He is a bad influence. He is a drag on everyone. We don't want to see him again. Etc.”

 

Tragically, while Harry was still there, Pammy showed up with the boy. What happened in the next 15 minutes was as unfortunate as anything you could imagine. Sammy saw his dad standing there. He was tremendously fearful; but with great courage he came over, knelt on the ground at his father's feet, and pleaded for forgiveness. I don't know what the problem was why he left, but I probably would have been more on the boys side than the father's. I thought the boy was heroic to humble himself and ask for forgiveness that way. But what happened next was tragic. As an olive branch to show the depth of his repentance, he had bought a ring of flowers to give to his parents. When I saw the flowers my heart sank. I still don't know the truth, but they looked exactly like flowers that are sold to cars waiting at red lights to bring good luck. These are very common decorations that you see in many (most) cars in Thailand. Pammy swears up and down that they are not Buddhist or religious. I don t know. Harry has extremely strong convictions about idolatry and went ballistic when he saw the flowers. His reaction to the olive branch flowers was as warm and gracious as if Sammy had offered him a pile of dog pooh. The reunion of the father and the son was not pleasant.

 

We could write all that off and go on with life, but I have a terrible weakness in having bones stuck in my craw that are extremely difficult to get out. I know what the Bible says. I know what I should be. I know that forgiveness also involves forgetfulness. But knowledge of right and wrong does not help me do it. Holding up a standard to the head does not guarantee a proper orientation of the heart. Knowing that drugs or drink are bad does not make a drunkard dry. Oh Lord, how desperately I need Your help!

 

There is nothing wrong with Harry. He came over that night to apologize. His pendulum swing is extreme, but he doesn't stay in one corner. Basically, he is a humble man. He is quick to apologize. He says a lot of things that we all know he doesn't really mean. The problem is, me holding him responsible for what he said. I want to be Christ-like. I don't want to do anything that the Lord wouldn't do. In this case my mind went back to Num. 14:2, 28, and Deut. 2:34-45. When the Lord told Israel to go into the land to possess it they refused and said, “Would to God we had died in this wilderness” (Num. 14:2). The Lord heard that and said,“Okay, if this is what you want – you got it!” (As ye have spoken in Mine ears, so will I do to you.) When they heard that, they pleaded, “Oh no. We will go in now as the Lord commanded” (Deut. 2:41); but the Lord responded, “I won't listen to you” (Deut. 2:45). There is something serious about what we say. Jesus warned,“By your words you shall be justified and by your words you shall be condemned” (Mt.12:37). It is a frightening thing to know that God will hold us to what we say. Should I do this with Harry? If so, that is the end of our relationship.

 

The tragedy of this is that the only winner is the devil. He is the only one grinning. This rupture is a significant loss for all of us; not the least of which is the Lord. Harry has been a very key worker and a significant man in my life. And I like to believe that this has somewhat been mutual in that perhaps he has gotten something from me. We have done a few things together and it would be a loss for the Kingdom of God if the devil has his way in this matter. But I am agonizing how to get this thing out of my system.

 

I am horrible in matters like this. When I was being put out of the language school in Karuizawa, I felt sorry for the men on the board who had the responsibility to fire me. They didn't want to do it, but TEAM mission had decided it was time for me to go. Even knowing that it wasn't their idea, I couldn't control the bitterness in my heart. I prayed for Stan everyday for years, but it was ten years later before the Lord took that bitterness out of my heart and I had my original love for Stan. I hope it isn't ten years before I get my heart cleaned up with Harry.

 

This has been the major struggle of the week, but in case I didn't have problems enough I got loaded with a terrible domestic hassle yesterday. On a cool day Pammy sweats like water running off a roof in a rain storm. I have never seen anyone perspire like she does. It is pretty obvious that she needs air conditioning. She had an AC unit in Lampan and finally got it brought up here last week. She got an estimate for what it would cost to install it, and miraculously a brother gave us a sack of thing he bought for us and left the exact amount of money in the sack of the cost of installation. Yesterday the man came to install it. We decided to put it in the kitchen and put the compressor unit in my shop. The only place we could locate the compressor was in the corner where I have my plywood storage. There were two possibilities; one was on the wall in front of my plywood and the other was lower down behind the plywood storage bins. My vote was behind the plywood, and there was a problem with the pipes coming out of the wall very close to where I put the plywood in.

I really don't want to bang the AC pipes every time I put a 4x8 sheet of plywood in the bin. The man said he couldn't get the pipes higher because of gravity flow for the condensation drain. Finally I had a brilliant idea to run the condensation drain into the bathroom. But Pammy drew the line. She didn't want the condensation drain water running across the tile floor in the bathroom. Only a woman would think of something like that. I exploded as bad as at anytime since we have been married. I said the sharpest words to her that I have ever said. Strangely enough, she went up stairs and laid down on the bed. Ten minutes later I saw the AC man doing something that looked wrong, and I desperately needed her to interpret. I didn't know why, but she wouldn't speak to me. Then the Lord reminded me that this was an identical scenario to my problem with Harry. I had said to her something about “I don't want to speak with you”. Now she wouldn't speak to me. I thought, “Oh, oh, the Lord is rubbing this in my nose.” But it got worse. I was busy with other things, and went out of my mind when I saw the AC man had hung the compressor in front of my plywood storage area, making it impossible to put a sheet of plywood in or out. If I say I was ballistic, I would have to specify that that was with an Atlas rocket and a neutral war head. I was consumed with rage. I said, “If that compressor isn't down in 20 minutes I will cut the pipes with a grinder, tear down that rack, and throw that compressor in the rice field behind our house.” I wasn't angry with the AC man. It wasn't his fault, but it was because of the communication breakdown with Pammy and her failure to explain to him what I wanted. I went to a friends house to cool off for two hours. The compressor man said he would come back Monday and move it. Of course he will have to recharge the compressor and the price will be higher as the distance to the back of the plywood storage area is further. It will be good to get that fixed, but I have damaged my marriage with my intense rage.

 

Last night we went shopping, and when we came out of the super market it was raining like the days of Noah. We had an honest 15-20 minute ride home with three of us on our motor bike. That was one of the most dangerous rides of my life. It was just like someone had a fire hose going in my face. The rain stung my face like being hit with a BB gun, and at times I couldn't see ten feet. Several times I had to stop to see where the side of the road was. Man howdy, was I thankful and praised God when we finally got home safely. But for some unknown reason Pammy didn't go in the house. I went in, got dried off, and changed my clothes, but Annie was standing in the living room looking for Mommy. I called Pammy, but no answer. Finally I went outside and was shocked to see her doing the laundry. Our washing machine is outside. I was totally bewildered why she was standing there sopping wet in a heavy rain doing the laundry. I told her to quit several times; and then, in an almost violent way, said, “I command you to quit.” Most reluctantly she she did turn off the washing machine and went inside to take care of Annie, who was crying by now. I don't know why, but Pammy slept in a different room last night. Things are very quiet in our home today. Pammy is obviously dealing with wounds that I inflicted.

 

Oh my goodness it is rough. I am dealing with three major ruptured relations. In all three cases I felt I was perfectly correct. I still feel I was right in honoring Sammy's request not to tell his folks where he was the first night. I don't blame the AC man for doing what he thought was best, even though he killed my plywood storage bins. And I have no idea why Pammy wanted to do the laundry in a down-pour rather than coming in the house to get dried off. It is not a matter of right or wrong. I have done serious damage while thinking I was right in all three cases.

 

Lord Jesus, please get the devil out of my heart. He has a strangle hold on me. Lord please set up your Kingdom in our home or it will soon turn into hell. Lord if You don't save us we won't be saved. Lord we are unworthy of Your mercy, but please do it for Your great Names sake.

Sincerely,

bill