Serious Challenge with Pammy

16 Jun 2013

Dear Phyllis,

This will probably be a very controversial letter. Love covers sin and it is generally not a Christian virtue to openly discuss the failures of others. Partners in marriage should be especially careful not to discuss martial problems. But Jesus said there is nothing done in secrete that would not be exposed openly (Mt. 10:26). We all know the antics of John Wesley's wife and Mary Lincoln. The private conversations of Richard Nixon and the Bill Clinton's sperm on Monica Lewinsky's dress have all been seen on TV. At times of revival it is always shocking to see the amazing sin that the Holy Spirit causes sinners to openly confess. And God has not been careful to discuss the failures of His wife Israel. Books have been written about that. Nathan said to David, “Because you have done this secretly I will do it before all Israel and before the sun.” (2 Sam. 12:12). In 1981 I was speaking at a Wednesday night prayer meeting at the Greenville Christian Fellowship and said, “People have asked me, 'How can we best pray for you?'. Our greatest need is in our marriage.” After the service, Ken Joner rebuked me by saying, “You should never have said that. You shouldn't talk about marriage problems in open.” The next time I saw Ken I was divorced.

My marriage to Pammy has been a challenge. This was something I never sought, I didn't want, and refused it four times. But it was something that just kept getting placed in front of me until I came to the conviction that she was someone the Lord had placed in front of me, and it was my call to accept or reject. As I felt the Lord had done this, it was easier to say yes than to refuse what He had offered. Several friends have said, “Please don't say God led you to marry that girl. God isn't that stupid.” But I did it in what I felt was obedience to the Lord.

This marriage has been like riding a wild Mustang at a 4^th of July parade. From day one I have had to hang on with both hands. Our relationship has been an unending series of crises and brinkmanship. We have been at the brink so much it feels like home here. A month ago Pammy said to me, “Let's go to Sansai tomorrow to sign the papers and get this over.” That sounded like a very good idea. I would have joyously done it except the Word came to my heart, “Do nothing through strife” and that was a time of strife. A few day later all was clear, and neither one of us wanted to call it quits. For months it has been a day by day salvation, and every day I thanked the Lord for being saved (our marriage) one more day. Sunday night I was on my knees and said, “Thank You, Lord, for one more day of salvation.” I was wrong. Pammy never came home that night. Sunday was the last I saw her for six days.

Everything was fine when she cheerfully got on her bike saying she was going to town to see a friend, and would be home by 6:00. When she wasn't home at 6:00 I wasn't too concerned. If she comes within an hour or two of being on time that is a cause for joyous celebration. But by 9:30 I was beginning to wonder what happened. I fell asleep, and woke up around midnight. I was very surprised that she wasn't home. I locked the door – not because I was mad – but I wanted to make sure she woke me up when she did come home. At 3:30 I was seriously concerned, and by 9:00 o'clock the next morning I was absolutely sure she had had an accident and was either dead or unconscious. There was nothing on her body that would give police an idea of who I am or where she lived. At 10:00 o'clock I decided to call the police to see if there had been an accident, but thought I should first try her cell phone to see if anyone would answer. Our phone had been dead for two weeks as we haven't been able to pay the phone bill. I went to a friend's house to borrow his cell phone, and was amazed when Pammy answered. “Where are you?” “I am at the water company paying our water bill.” “Do you plan to come home today?” “Yes, I will be home in a few hours.” That was the last I saw or heard from her for the next five days.

By supper time Monday night it was obvious that she was up to something unprecedented, and when I woke up Tuesday morning, and she had been out for two nights, it was unquestionably clear she had made a statement about what she thought of our marriage and where she was headed now. Ironically I was filled with joy. Oh my goodness, I had a good time with the Lord. I said, “Thank You, Lord! You have done this in the best possible way. I don't have to do anything. She has done it all and now I am free.”

When Wednesday came with no word, I was planning on going to Sansai to sign the papers to get things started to legalize our divorce. I thought she can go anytime later to sign her name, and it will be final. But then I was told that that was impossible. For an uncontested divorce in Thailand, both partners have to appear and sign the papers together. Pastor Kichikun is in the states at the moment, but Wednesday evening I went to his house to speak to his wife, Ying. I explained the situation, and asked her to contact Pammy telling her to meet me at Sansai Friday to sign the papers to terminate the marriage. Thursday evening I called Ying to confirm that she had set everything up. She told me that she had indeed spoken with Pammy on the phone. She told her that she had just gotten back from the mountains where she had been praying with a couple Thai pastors. She would be coming home to be with me that night, and she would be at Sansai to sign the papers on Friday.

A couple things didn't make sense. First of all, the story about praying in the mountains was so stupid that it was insulting. She hadn't said anything about a prayer retreat when she left Sunday afternoon and promised to be home by 6:00. She said she would be home in a few hours when I spoke to her by phone Monday morning at 10:00. She didn't have a change of clothes and her Bible was in the house. Secondly, if she was coming home Thursday night, the promise to meet me at Sansai at noon the next day was ridiculous. No, she didn't come home that night.

Ying asked me, “What are you going to do if she repents and doesn't want a divorce?” I said, “That is a tough question. I don't know. But maybe if she is repents, that doesn't give me much room.”

I was a little surprised when she showed up right on time at Sansai Friday. I was pretty cool and said, “You will sign the papers won't you?” “No, I don't want a divorce.” “You said a month ago, 'Let's do it'. What happened?” “That was then, but now I don't want a divorce.” Oh my goodness! Worst case scenario! Now what in the world do I do? Ying had said, “If you want to talk, I am available after 1:30 Friday afternoon. In desperation, and exasperation, I said, “Let's go over to Kichikun's and talk with Ying.” Unbelievable! The next three hours was something off the chart.

Pammy very clearly did not want a divorce. She somewhat apologized for being way for six days, but was anything but repentant. The whole thing seemed to be my fault. The whole discussion was in Thai and I only got occasional brief summarizes of what was going on. One explanation was that she was concerned that I would be angry when she came home and she was afraid of me. The other was that she was hoping that I would show my love for her by calling and reaching out to her. My failing to call was an expression that I really didn't love her. Ying seemed to be handling the ball quite well, and an intense argument broke out. It was a real cat fight with both women shouting at each other. Ironically when the fight broke out and I watched Pammy red faced banging her clenched fist on the table, the only emotion that ran through me was sorrow. I thought, “If this girl goes out on the street, she will have a terrible time in life”. I had a strange feeling of compassion and a desire to help her. As the fight cooled down, Ying began to push more for reconciliation. She pleaded with me to consider, and believe, people can change. She shared her own testimony how she had been terrible in her younger years. Kichikun had previously told me that they were within a hairs breadth of divorce at one point. Ying said she was the youngest in her family and was horribly spoiled. But she gradually learned submission. Of course, Pammy promised to reform and would never be a problem again. (Lots of luck.) That is like an alcoholic promising never to drink again.

As the long afternoon began to wear down, the general atmosphere was that things had been settled and life would go on. Ying asked me, “Will you forgive her and take Pammy back?” That was not what I really wanted or expected. But with God, mercy triumphs over justice. If that rule was to apply I had little choice. It was a different supper that night. Pammy was home. That was the last thing I expected and I was a little disappointed. And yet here we were with one more day of salvation. If Jesus can pull something like this out of the fire, perhaps He can work in both of our hearts, and ultimately bring us together. Pammy had promised Ying that from now on she was going to obey Jesus, and that meant submit herself to me. When she said that, I threw my arms in the air and stood up shouting, “Amen!” That is what I have been praying for from day one. I don't want her to obey me. I want her to obey Jesus. And that means obeying me. No woman can obediently follow the Lord and defy her husband. The expression of a woman's obedience to the Lord is expressed in her obedience to her husband. And the expression of my love to the Lord is measured by how much I love my wife.

Where we go from here is an open question. May the Lord forgive me, but I feel it basically depends upon the Lord. If the Lord works in both our hearts, bringing us into to conformity of Christ, we will make it. I have been pleading with the Lord for months that He would fill her with His Spirit. If she is filled with the Spirit of Christ she will be a beautiful person. If she is filled with herself, she will continue to be a severe challenge. If she is filled with Christ she will be a joyous, submissive, helpful wife. If she is filled with herself she will continue to go her own way, do her own thing, and be a disgrace to the Name of the Lord.

Pammy has a couple of things working against her. She was raised a spoiled child and never learned discipline. She handles authority very poorly. Her father was a doctor and she has never been responsible or learned to handle money. To be under authority and be careful with money is something that is foreign to her; and she does very poorly. Our relationship has been extremely plutonic. This has got to be difficult for her. I have found it nearly impossible to believe that she doesn't have a boy friend somewhere. There have been an enormous number of questions that defy explanation. Paul was a private investigator for many years. He has handled numerous cases of marital infidelity, and he says our situation is so blatant that he wouldn't even take the case. The truth is so obvious that he says it isn't even a case. Some time ago she over to their house and Paul hit her about her boy friend. She adamant maintained her innocence and said she was staying with a lady. While they were talking, Pammy's cell phone rang. Pammy said, “It is the lady that I was staying with. Here you take the phone and talk with her.” Paul came to see me and apologized saying, “I was wrong. She is innocent.” I don't know. Against all evidence to the contrary I tend to agree that she does not have a male friend.

I like to believe Pammy is a diamond in the rough. She needs to be in the hands of the Jeweler to make her beautiful. The chisel must come down repeatedly to form that beautiful cut diamond. And I am that chisel. The diamond gets cut but the chisel takes the hammering. Man howdy these are hard blows. But the Jeweler happens to be my Father and His Son is my good friend. This makes it all worth while. We are still saved.

Gratefully,

bill