Honesty

15 September 2013

Dear Phyllis,

I wonder if there is anything more vital to good spiritual health than basic honest. Honest seems to be a very illusive element. If Jeremiah 17:9 is correct (and it is safe to assume that it is), then “the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it?” In contrast to this Jesus described the good ground in the parable of The Sower as those “with an honest and good heart, having heard the Word keep it and bring forth fruit...” (Lk. 8:15). Watchman Nee raises the question, “How can a deceitful and wicked heart be honest and good?” The answer is fairly simple – by admitting it is deceitful and wicked. When a person goes that far, at least they are being honest about it.

One of the pivotal moments of my life came in June 1990, when I had just been invited to leave Link Care, where I had been sent to get healed by two years of intense psychotherapy. Dave Hanson came by to pick me up to take me home with him. I hadn't seen Dave in several years, and as soon as I got in the car I unloaded – big time – telling him all the disaster that had fallen upon me with my wife. After spewing out venom for 15 minutes Dave flippantly remarked, “Why don't you forgive your wife?” That was the wrong thing to say. To say I exploded would be a gross understatement. I roared, “I have forgiven her!!! I have forgiven her sitting! I have forgiven her standing! I have forgiven her on my knees! I have forgiven her in writing!I have forgiven her until I am exhausted!!! Do you want to see the things I have written?” Dave quietly replied, “I am not interested in the things you have said with your mouth, or what you have written. I can tell by your spirit that you have never forgiven her.” Three points. Swoosh. That one never touched the net. In a moment I knew he was right. That brought me face to face with a serious question; how do you forgive someone when it is impossible?

Several years previously we had been going to a counselor in Tokyo for six months. (This was before the great disaster.) After hours of counseling Kakitane sensei said, “Rosemary, will you apologize to Bill?” Dutifully Rosemary turned to me and said, “I am sorry.”ow Then he turned to me. “Bill, will you forgive her?” “No.” In a measure tone Kakitane said, “Rosemary, will you please leave the room?” Then in a less measure tone he said, “Look, I have spent six month trying to get this girl to say I am sorry, and now won't forgive her.” I replied, “I know more about this stuff than you do. I know what the Bible says. I know that I can't be forgiven if I don't forgive (Mt. 5:15). But there has to be some reality to it. I am not going to say something simply because you put words in my mouth.” Fortunately a night or two later the Lord did work in my heart enough so that I was able to say from my heart, “I forgiver you.”

But now I was face with a huge problem of dealing with adultery and a hard, unrepentant, defiant, spirit in my wife. That was a tough one to forgive. I wasn't even sure that I should forgive her. The question stood, has God forgiven her? Does God forgive unrepentant sin? I am not sure of the answer to that question to this day. If God does not forgive, should I? My exchange with Dave somewhat settled that question when I knew absolutely my heart was not right towards God. I had deep, unresolved, bitterness against my wife, and I knew that was wrong. I had been trying very hard to forgive her, and now I was more bitter than I was a year previous.

The next day I had a very serious meeting with the Lord. I knew the Scripture. I knew it was Matthew 18. I knew the story about the king who called his servants in to account. One poor turkey couldn't come close to paying up and faced a long jail term. He pleaded for mercy, and the king freely forgave him. Then he went outside and met a fellow servant who owed him a dime. Like the first guy, he pleaded for mercy, but the hard-hearted rascal wouldn't give him a millimeter of grace. For this unforgiving spirit he got called back into account, and sent to the slammer. Jesus said, “So likewise will my heavenly Father do also unto you if ye from your heart forgive not every one his brother” (Mt. 18:23-35). As I read this story over I saw that there were two types of salvation. The first type was salvation from personal sin. The the second type of salvation was to be saved from an unforgiving spirit. Then I pleaded, “Lord Jesus, the first time you forgave me, it was 100% an act of grace. There was nothing I could do to talk You into forgiving me of my sin. That was Your choice whether or not to forgive me. I couldn't help myself. In like manner, I am stuck again with a problem that I can't handle. If You don't save me again from an unforgiving spirit there is no way I can be saved. I have no idea how to save myself.” Then I added, “If You have a sign-up sheet in heaven for candidates for salvation, would You please put my name somewhere near the top?” I have no idea how, when, or where, but it do know that somewhere along the line Jesus saved me. Today I am saved. My heart is totally clear of any rancor or bitterness towards Rosemary. The Lord has gone beyond, and done things for me that exceeded what I even wanted done. He has given me a genuine love for her.

I don't recall the problem but I remember another incident five years ago when my heart was out of line with the Lord. That Sunday I was speaking at the GTO Mennonite center and preached on the text, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” (Ps. 51:10). To illustrate this I spoke about Mephibosheth. I feel that fellow is one of the greatest men in the OT. Mephibosheth was Johnathon's son that was lame in his feet. To show kindness to his father, David virtually adopted him, and had him eat three meals a day at his personal table (2 Sam. 9: 13). But when David fled from Absalom, Mephibosheth's servants double crossed him, left him stranded, and lied to David about Mephibosheth. When the crisis was over, and David got back home, he confronted Mephibosheth. Without checking the story, David shot from the hip, believed the lie, and took Mephibosheth's head off. He said, “You no good, no-account, miserable bird! I don't want to see your face. I am giving half of everything you own to your servant Ziba” (2 Sam. 19:29) (Bill Cook translation). Then, in one of the most amazing remarks in the Bible, Mephibosheth responded, “ Yea, Lord, let him have it all. You are back again safely in you own house. That is all I am concerned for.” (verse 30) (Bill Cook translation). I can't imagine anyone taking a harder blow of misunderstanding, getting misjudged so badly, and yet have such a wonderful attitude. You talk about someone who has a clean heart and a right spirit – now there is one for you. Then I concluded my message with the question, “How do you get a spirit like that?” Answer – “I don't know.” I told the folks that I had been struggling with a problem all week and my heart was not right with God. Then I added, “But again I asked the Lord if he had a sign-up sheet in heaven for poor people in need to a clean heart and a right spirit to please put my name on it.” And I sat down.

A week later I was speaking at the IGO chapel, and shared the same message. I concluded that message by saying, “A week ago I preached this message and put my name in as an applicant in heaven. This week I can preach this message as a recipient of salvation. The Lord has created in me a clean heart and renewed a right spirit in me.” Praise the Lord.

I say all of this to tell you a wonderful story. Last week we had probably the best Wednesday morning prayer meeting we have ever had. It was wonderful. The Lord answered Paul's prayer one week late. I told the fellows about my squall with George last Saturday, and how I got so furious. Of course I was right, and I had forgiven George. But I was never going to let him forget what a dumb thing he did. From now on I was going to say, “Obviously, I have met someone who knows a great deal more about carpentry than I do. I will defer to your opinion, and do whatever, anyway you want it. No, I will never share my opinion.” The spiritual definition of justification is “just-as-if-I-had-never-sinned”. That is alright for Jesus to say that, but that was not my position. I did not want to run the clock back to Friday, the way things were before the big blow up on Saturday. The damage that had been done was never to be cleaned up. The fellows at the prayer meeting didn't think I had a very good attitude. I said, “I am not so dense that I don't know that my heart is not right in this matter, but I don't want Jesus to fix it. I like being mad.”

But then I told an amazing testimony Watchman Nee shared in Twelve Baskets Full. One time he was witnessing to a girl about salvation. She was very honest in stating she was not interested. She loved sin. She loved everything about the sinful life she was enjoying, and had no desire to quit. One thing she did not want was; she did not want to be saved from sin. After the girl rambled on for some time about the pleasure of sin, Watchman Nee suggested, “Let's pray”. The girl was startled and asked, “Who pray?”

“You.”

“Me? What should I say?”

“Just tell Jesus everything you have told me. He is a friend of sinners.” Watchman Nee said, “Pray she did. A very unorthodox prayer indeed.” She told Jesus how she loved sin and didn't want to be saved. But then she blurted out, “But please, Lord Jesus, give me that which I don't want.” The bottom line was that she was saved.

We had a minor rerun of that Wednesday morning. I told the fellows I didn't want Jesus to work in my heart to take away the resentful feelings I was holding against George. Of course, I had forgiven him, but I did not want the clock to be turned back to Friday, just as if nothing had happened on Saturday. I honestly don't know what happened, but I do know I came away from the prayer meeting that morning with my heart much different. The Lord did that which I really didn't want done, and He has completely cleaned my heart up. In my heart the clock has gone back to Friday.

It has been a pretty good week. There have been three Lisu boys coming everyday working on a bed for George. I have enjoyed them. They are really good boys, and seem to have natural gifts for this work. They have a long ways to go before they know everything about cabinet making and wood work. There are a lot of bad things that must happen before they really understand tools – what to do and what not to do. I have explained all that to them, but there are some lessons in life that can only be learned empirically.

Tonikaku, things are generally better than they were last week. But the main point is that we are one week closer to that historic moment when the last trump shall sound and Jesus will be here to receive the honor of which He is so immanently worthy.

It wasn't very spiritual to say I didn't want the Lord to work in my heart, but Jesus has been extremely good to a poor sinner who was only marginally honest.

Arigato,

                    bill