From Bad to Worse

8 December 2013

Dear Phyllis,

Last week I wrote my heart was so full I scarcely knew where to start. This week my heart is full again – but with the bad stuff. This past week has been one challenging week. Thursday night, at 3:00 AM, I had a mild panic attack, which is extremely rare for me. I have had very few attacks like that in my life.

One thing I have had to keep in mind is that it takes both the good and bad in life. It takes cold weather to make sweet apples. It takes tribulation to make tough Christians. It takes battles to make harden soldiers. You can't have up if you don't have down. You can't have hot if you don't have cold No one would know what good is if they didn't know what bad was.

Secondly the Lord reminded me of the Inverted Kingdom. If what Jesus said is actually true, then those who mourn are the blessed ones (Mt. 5:4). Jesus said that the first shall be last and the last first. He that loses his life shall keep it, and he that keeps his life shall lose it, etc. James says the the Lord has chosen the poor to be rich in faith (Jm. 2:5), and that the rich should weep and howl for the misery that shall come to them (Jm. 5:1). (I'm not sure this applies to all rich, but to those who misuse it.) Jesus said that the poor widow who put 2 cents in the offering gave more than all the wealthy (Mk. 12:41-44). It would appear that poverty is wealth, and wealth is poverty.

If this is true then I am a very rich man. I have looked at the bottom of the barrel so long that, if seeing were sandpaper, I would have worn a hole in it. Several years ago a friend asked me to make a tree house for his children. One day I had to walk two kilos to buy 50 cents of screws. As I was walking I was thinking about how poor I was, and what a tough life I had. As I was walking along the Lord spoke to me and said, “I am allowing you to walk in Jesus shoes.” I thought that is true. Jesus didn't ride around in a Toyota pickup truck. He didn't have a shiny Honda motor bike. He walked everywhere He went, and when He went into Jerusalem He had to borrow a donkey. I was the only turkey in Chiang Mai that didn't have a car or bike. It was a privilege to walk in Jesus shoes. But I told the Lord, “That is wonderful that You are teaching me to walk in Jesus shoes, but if You do, then You must change the size of my foot. The shoes don't fit.”

My friend Steve just got back from a wonderful time preaching in Nagaland. That is one of the most unusual places on this planet. They have had three revival in the past 100 years, and Nagaland is one of the most Christian places the world has ever seen. They are close to 100% Christian, and probably have sent out the more missionaries per capita than any nation today. Nagaland is in the extreme northeast corner of India. They are in India by gun point, but ethnically they are closer to the Burmese, as they are on the west border of Burma. The British divided the country but they couldn't change the people. One hundred years ago they were head hunters, but today they are missionaries. I was there for a missionary training school five years ago, but was never invited back. Steve had a great time and they invited him to come back in three months.

That reminded me of the basic course of my life. I have been run out of every place I have ever been. There has never been a place where I have ministered, and after a successful time, was invited to go to a higher position. I have always been showed to the door. I don't know anyone who can match my record.

A few years ago I was invited to go to Mae Sai to teach in an Akah Bible school. There was a very fine Akah brother up there who had a Bible school for Akah's living in Burma but could come over to Mae Sai daily for school. The first two weeks were wonderful. Solomon was thrilled with my teaching. The talk was that he wanted me to move to Mae Sai to live there teaching full time in his school. I have always wanted to do something like that, and it looked like my day had finally come. Then the third week, I was speaking to the students talking out of my heart telling them of problems they were going to face when they got out in the ministry. I said one of the stickiest problem was the male-female relationship, and I told them of issues I had had to face. After the first session, Solomon turned to me and pleaded, “Uncle Bill, please don't tell stories like that.” I apologized, and the next session I apologized to the students if I had said anything unwise. But again warned that that is a very dangerous issue. We got right in the middle of the next class when Solomon stopped interpreting, and told the students, “That is all for today.” Then he said to me in great stress, “Please go home.” That was a first time experience, but consistent with every place I have ever been. I didn't get thrown out of Nagaland, but I was never invited to come back.

The Lord has privileged me to be in a large number of places and do a lot of unusual things. But over each ministry, the portfolio reads “Failure. Closed down. Put out”. I don't know of anyone who can come close to my track record.

I don't know what has happened next door, but obviously there is a problem. I have known Pastor Kichikun for five years, and we have always had high respect for each other. Two years ago I made commitment to work full time with him in his church. For the previous three years I had been a frequently invited guest speaker. I have always had very good times speaking in his church and felt my messages were well received. He was pleased with my decision to work full time with him, and I was virtually an assistant pastor with him. I was scheduled to speak once a month. and sometimes when he was gone, I would speak two or three times a month. He had me be one of the top speakers at the Baptist National Conference a year and a half ago. That was a great privilege. He was in our home several times each week, and we enjoyed a very warm relationship. I have never had an issue with him or quarreled over anything. But since last August things have obviously cooled down. It has been five months since the last time I spoke. It has probably been two or three months since he has been in our home. Last week he asked if I was going to be here next year. Of course I am. I live here. Then he embarrassedly asked if I could help out with the church suggesting that I might speak once or twice. That was not a genuine request, but only a social remark to say something proper at an awkward moment. I don't know what to do. I don't want to pull out, but at the same time I feel like an embarrassment to be there.

The accumulative pressure of many things is hard on me. I feel like an unwanted guest at the Lord's table, and certainly one that the Lord has placed at the end of the line of favored servants. But I don't want to accuse the Lord unrighteously.

Ten years ago I was driving the NLL van to the eki (train station) to pick up a man. It was a nice day and very little traffic The road in front of me was clear for 400 meters except there was a coat or something in the road. As I went by I heard a slight thump like I had run over a rock or a bolt had come up to hit me. When I got to a curve 200 meters ahead a man stepped out in front of me to stop me. I had no idea what he wanted, but he surprised me by asking, “Do you have any insurance. This is a serious matter. We are going to have to call the police.” I thought, “What in the world is he talking about? Is he drunk?” Then shortly another man came up out of his mind. He was shouting, “An apology is not enough! An apology is not enough!” I was thoroughly bewildered. Then he pointed to my side mirror that was bent back.. I had struck him. Oh my goodness! I had struck a man! They were demanding that I take him to the hospital. I protested that I had to go to the eki to meet a man who was waiting for me. But as soon as I got him I would take the poor fellow to the hospital. Without waiting, they got in the car and demanded that I take them to the man's house. He went inside and came back with a pack on his arm. They kept muttering among themselves, “Gaijin da. Gaijin da.” (He's a foreigner.) Finally they said, “Go on.”

I went to the eki to pick up the man, and as soon as I got him to NLL, I immediately went back to see the victim to take the man to a hospital. When I got near the scene of the accident I saw them getting in a taxi. I got out of my van and went to speak to them. The fellow simply coarsely said, “Go on.”

I felt terrible. But the biggest problem was my relationship with the Lord. I always pray everyday before I start out and look dependently to Jesus to keep me from accidents. I try to drive responsibly, but I realize there are an enormous number of unseen things that can happen to you. If the Lord doesn't keep me, I am in bad trouble. But this was a very clear failure. I said to Jesus, “Lord, if this is what You call protection, I am finished.” Forget it! That is the end of me driving in Japan.” Oh my goodness I was put out. I thought, if Jesus takes His hand off me, it is all over.

Obviously, I had to keep driving, but where does prayer and the Lord's protection come in? For the next several weeks, every morning before I would start, I would pray, “Lord You can do anything You want. If You will protect me fine. If You want me to have an accident, then whatever You want.” That is pretty unorthodox prayer, but what else could I say? If Jesus heard prayer and kept me safe, that was fine. But if that wasn't what He had in mind,I was prepared to accept anything that He allowed to happen.

I wrote Neil Verwey about my problem, and he wrote back, “Bill, it was setup, and the Lord protected you.” I answered Neil saying, “I wish you were right, but I believe I really struck that man and the Lord did not protect me.”

Shortly after that I was in the hospital for 42 days. When got out someone told me there was a notice on the bulletin in the NLL dining hall saying there were two men running a scam pocketing a great deal of money from their victims. These men had been arrested and the police were interested in anyone who had had experience with them. I went to the police station, and told them my experience. They showed me a book with a hundred pictures of men. I picked out two, and the police told me I had picked the right ones. Then the police kept asking me, “Did you give them any money?” I replied, “No, I would have if I had any money, and they kept muttering, 'Gaijin da'.” They had ripped off some victims for thousands of dollars.

Neil was right. It was a setup and Jesus had protected me. I suspect that is the way it works in life. There are times when it looks like the Lord has taken His hand off us and allowed the bottom to fall out. But in retrospect we will see that He had His hand on us all along giving us the thing that we needed at that time. Regardless if it is raining here it is always a good day at 40,000 feet.

Paul and Marisa are going through it. The doctor told Marisa the other day, “It doesn't look good.” Fortunately that doesn't apply. Jesus holds the last card in His hand, and He will see that all will turn out for our good and His glory (Rom. 8:28).

Shimpai shinai de (don't worry). Jesus hasn't changed. He is still wonderful, and I am still in Him,

bill