22 December 2019
Dear Phyllis,
Today, being the 22nd
of December, by any definition, this must be a Christmas letter. One of
the toughest things to do is to be joyful when your heart is filled
with sadness. For
me, Christmas is one of the worst days of the year. If I was a drinking
man I would get drunk on the 24th and hope I didn't sober up until the 2nd of January. For many years I have tried to lose myself working in my shop and treating
Christmas just like any other day. That is the best way to handle it.
New
Years eve 1991, I was living in John Cathcart's church in Tenri, Japan;
we were having a New Years eve praise worship. There were about a dozen
there, and we were going around the circle
telling and giving thanks to God for the greatest blessing of the past
year. 1990 had been the ultimate disaster of my life. Horrible things
had happened that, in my worst nightmares, I never dreamed were
possible. I thought, “What in the world can is say?!”.
As I sat there asking God for a word, it seemed that He said, “Just
tell it like it is”. When it came my turn, John said, “Bill, what has
been the greatest blessing for you of 1990?”. I said, “1990 has been
more horrible than anything I believed was possible”;
and then I shared my testimony of what had happened. In conclusion I
said, “What has been the greatest blessing? Well, thank God, I am back
in Japan. The fact that I am here, rather than in the states, I guess
that is the greatest blessing.” John was pretty
squared jawed. The next day he said, “I don't think what you said last
night, was very honoring to the Lord.” I replied, “Yes, I agree, but if
you asked Job, at the end of chapter 2, 'Job, what has been the greatest
blessing of the past year?'; all he could
say is, 'Well, this past year has been a tough one. I lost all ten
children, I got wiped out of everything I owned, my wife and friends
turned on me, and I lost my health. What is the greatest blessing of the
past year? I really don't know'.”. Then I went
on, “Fortunately, chapter 2 isn't the end of the book. Chapter 42 is a
wonderful chapter. But I am at chapter 2 in my life right now.”
The
Christmas before had been one of the most gut-wrenching Christmases of
my life. My wife told me that she had given her body to another man and
lived in adultery for four months while I
was up north building a Bible school campus. She was going wild with
rage that I had forgiven her and I was desperately trying to save the
family. She was glad that I forgave her, but was exceedingly frustrated
that I had not cut her loose to marry the other
man “as the Lord had told her”. We had left Ikoma and moved back to
Karuizawa, and were trying to have church in our home. There were about
five or six people that usually came for Sunday service, but Christmas
day 1989 only one couple came from Matsushiro,
60 km away. Rosemary was so bent out of shape that Sunday that she
refused to get out of bed to attend the worship service. You talk about a
tough time; I had a difficult time trying to have a happy Christmas
worship service by myself and a young couple who
had only been saved six months and the missionary wife who wouldn't get
out of bed to attend in her own home. After we finished what was
supposed to be a worship service, I apologized to the couple for the
Christ-dishonoring service. The couple stunned me
by saying, “Oh no. This has been the most wonderful Christmas of our lives. This is the first time that we knew what Christmas was all about, and we are so thankful that He saved us this past year.”
Where
am I Christmas 2019? Fortunately, I am grateful that I am not still in
Job chapter 2. Much has happened since 1990. The Lord has made
everything that has ever happened to me to work
out for good (Rom. 8:28). I thank God for 1990. What has happened since
then has been more wonderful than anything I could have imagined. These
past 29 years have been an unimagined privilege. I have a new wife, who
is a blow torch for Jesus and a comfortable
life in Thailand.
Last
April, when the doctor told me that I had an aggressive malignant tumor
in my left eye, I was reasonably sure I would not celebrate Christmas
on this planet this year. Here I am. There
has been a slight deterioration in my eye, but not much. I am totally
free of pain. My eye has been closed for most of the past year, but I am
in excellent health. For 20 years I have been living in deniable. When
friends have said, “I am getting older”; I
have always come back, “Not me. I am as young now as I was when I was
40”, and usually could prove it. But a couple of spills on my motor bike
have taken the edge off my jet pilot riding habit. To be honest I must
admit that the sun is starting to cast a long
shadow where I stand. At 84 I must admit the greatest weakness that I
have is balance. I try to walk with a genki (lively) step but I must be
careful to keep my balance. Fortunately, I have a very simple brain that
has avoided forgetfulness, but I am beginning
to be concerned about the “here after”. When I go to get things,
frequently I wonder, “what am I here after?”. And common names duck in
and out. But I am amazed how the Holy Spirit is faithful in retrieving
many of those names back to me in a couple of minutes.
What
does 2020 look like? I don't know. I have changed my attitude about
going back to the states for medical treatment. I have always said, “I
don't support the US government and I don't
expect the government to support me.”. But recently I have reconsidered
my relationship with the US military. When I was in the USAF Air
Defense, I was a combatant for five years in an active period of the
Cold War. The USAF gave us special flight pay for
doing a dangerous job and took very good care of us. Part of that
agreement was to promise to give us health care for the rest of our
lives. I didn't avoid going to the base hospital when I was in service
or turn down flight pay for doing my job, and it is
not unreasonable to accept their offer to provide free health care now.
The basis for every major decision in life is the will of God.
If this is the will of God to go to the states I am looking to the Lord
to give me clear guidance in that area. There
are several green lights that must line up. One is a place to stay in
the states. That seems to be good from a positive response to stay at
the Institute in Greenville. The next, and biggest, is to get a copy of
my discharge papers. This appears easy, but
it is going to take someone with more cerebral power than I have to
figure our how to do that on line. Thirdly, and finally, Jesus has to
give us the tickets. If all these line up, in all probability, I will be
headed east sometime this coming year for medical
treatment – if Jesus doesn't heal me before then. I'm doing okay at the
moment but common sense would indicate I should accept help if that is
available.
And
spiritually where am I this Christmas? I can't recall a time in my life
when Jesus has been more real. I can't see the River from here yet, but
there is an occasional whiff of air that
blows across from there. Oh, the fragrance of it is wonderful. I have
come to a place in my walk with the Lord where Bible reading has become
very difficult. Quite often, I will open the Bible at random, and the
first few words come off the page with such
force that I burst into tears and can't read any further. I thank God
that there is a very small orifice in the pipeline from heaven. If I was
any bigger I couldn't handle it. Jesus knows the limited capacity of my
tinny vessel, but, consistently, He keeps
it overflowing. If I had a bucket three times its present size I still
could not contain the goodness, the wonder, (you name it) of the
blessing He consistently pours upon me. My heart is so full that I have
violated my principle of writing you one letter
a week, and flooded you with my series of The Beauty of Jesus.. The
Lord has helped me in composing some of those letters, but if I had the
golden pen of Gabriel, and could fill shelves of books I would have only
shared a small potion of what should be written.
Gomen
Phyllis, it is not that I don't have any more to say, but I just can't
express what should be said. Have a merry Christmas and a holy holiday,
bill
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