Dear Phyllis,
It has been my privilege, or sorrow, to have been called
upon to pass though several very stony steep places in my little travels and
can be somewhat empathetic with you if this slope causes you to be a little
short of breath. As a family, the three most challenging experiences were when
Rosemary was very sick when David was born; the second was when we lost TJ; and
the third was when the family died. The most numbing by far was – of course –
the last, but the most terrifying was the first.
I was a “highly spiritual” young man with all the answers to
life and very little of the experience. I had no appreciation at all for what
Rosemary was going through when she thought she was losing her mind, and
insisted that she walk by my faith. We were going to follow God and not listen
to the devil. She had had several text book anxiety attacks that I considered
to be demonic attacks that we would deal with very simply by rebuking and
refusing them. Strangely enough, all that did was heightened Rosemary’s anxiety.
For three weeks I had stood and resisted all attempts for help and watched
Rosemary deteriorate every day. Finally the last Sunday came when I preached a
rousing message on faith with knots in my shoulders and a gripping fear in my
stomach. After that message a brother came up to me with a message from God and
was so distraught his whole body was trembling. His voice was cracking as he
pleaded, “Bill, please get that girl to a hospital. Your time is measured in
hours and it may be too late already.” That message rattled me like few words I
have ever listened to. I had a death fear of psychiatry and knew very few
people to ask for help. I called a pastor in central Pennsylvania Syracuse , New
York Pa. Syracuse Syracuse Syracuse 4:30 that afternoon with sweating hands I
called a Catholic psychiatrist the Christian fellow recommended and the
receptionist said it would be three months before we could see Dr. Rafael. I
said, “Great! We will be dead tomorrow. My wife hasn’t slept in 80 hours and is
going out of her mind.” Fifteen minutes later we were in the office of an
associate psychologist who was an old Scottish Presbyterian. He took Rosemary
in his arms and held her like a father. All three of us cried and half an hour
later I checked Rosemary in to the psychic ward at the general hospital. She
had been begging me for three weeks to get her to a hospital but when the
critical moment came and she realized she was going to be alone in a
psychiatric ward she went hysterical. As I was leaving walking down the hall
she screamed, “Don’t leave me alone in this place with all these crazy people.”
I almost checked myself in. I thought I would lose my mind as I ignored her
pleas and left her there. Those were moment s of terror such as I had never
known. Had someone written me cheery letters in those days I am not sure how
receptive I would have been.
Phyllis, you are so far beyond me that I am embarrassed to
write, but I do appreciate the fellowship. I know you are in deep water that is
well beyond my experience. It was significant what Joshua said to the
Israelites, “You have not been this way before.” (Josh. 3:4). There had been a
great deal of back-tracking in the wilderness and the Israelites saw a lot of
old discarded clothes they had left in the sand several years before as the
went over the same ground again. I have been on the merry-go-round in the
Lord’s school of discipline so many times I am getting a blister on my finger
trying to catch the gold ring. But, thank God, when He does take us on to new
ground. I know this is not a place that you have longed to see. This is a time
you have dreaded and put out of your mind all your life. In the years when the
pain level was higher than it is now I wondered what the Lord’s anaesthetic was
for pain, and I decided it was gaman (grit and bear it). I don’t know any pain
pills. I have often thought when it comes to spiritual transactions the Lord
does not use Monopoly money. Spiritual transactions are done in real currency.
If the merchandise we get is real the price we pay must also be real. Ask Ken
Henry. My goodness, the price that man has paid!
I am embarrassed that a man should be the recipient of such
severe discipline as I have received at our Father’s hand and still be so
unlearned. You would think that after all He has shown me that I would be the
most compassionate of believers, but I am amazed at the insensitivity that
still prevails. When we have a toothache it is little consolation to sit in a
waiting room with other people with toothaches. But if we see someone walking
out of the clinic that has just had all their teeth removed it may be some
consolation to think, “Thank God, I’m not that bad off.” When we were in Ikoma
a family was there where the young mother was going with cancer. I thought that
has got to be the most terrible experience possible, but two years later I
wrote the bereaved husband a letter saying I was envious. There was victory is
his wife’s departure. They loved each other and he knew that she was better off
in heaven. There was tremendous support by friends all around. He remarried and
is now back in Japan Japan
I wish I had some magic words to say to you. But I realize
the Father has called you into His chamber to share with you some private
things from His own heart. It is best for someone like myself to stand in
silence and wait outside the door while you are in conference with our Father.
I know that what is transpiring is real as you mention in each letter the peace
of God that passes all understanding is guarding your heart even in the face of
a trial beyond your present experience. I’m sure you know that verb “keep”
(Phil. 4:6) in the original is a military term with the picture of a soldier
standing guard outside a building. The guards name is “the peace of God”, and
his assignment is to guard our hearts and minds. This marvelous guard is very
faithful and will let nothing by him as long as we stay inside. Unfortunately –
or fortunately – there are condition on our part. The first one is that we are
careful not to be careful. That is, our Father wants us to be carefree and
sometimes that is a pretty good trick. The only thing I know is to hold
everything with a real lose grip or better still let the Lord hold for us the
things that are most important. When I was in Thailand Vietnam China Japan Africa
when John and Betty were in China Philadelphia
The second condition of “being kept” is thankfulness – “with
thanksgiving”. I know Ted’s present condition was not at the top of your
wish-list last Christmas. Who would ever pray “Lord please give me …(Ted’s
condition).” That is like praying “Lord, please give me a terrible headache.” I
can appreciate this is the most terrifying, difficult time of your life, but
how else is the Lord ever going to get us to heaven? And isn’t that where we
want to go? What is wrong with that? I don’t like being pressed out of measure.
I have never been real thankful when I have been called upon to pass through
some terrible phase of life, but experience has taught us that our heavenly
Surgeon knows what He is doing and we can thank Him for each and every stroke
He takes – even if it takes our breath away. Jesus didn’t exempt Himself from
pain and He doesn’t always give feather pillows to His children. The only words
of encouragement I can think of at the moment is “weeping may endure for a
night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Ps. 30:5). We are all in this together,
Phyllis, and somehow Jesus will get us there safely.
Thank you again for the great privilege of your fellowship.
Perhaps the fellowship of suffering is the deepest.
In the keeping of our
great Shepherd, bill
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