No Go!

28 July 2013


Dear Phyllis,


This has got to be one of the darkest days of my life. The lights have gone out, and I am sitting in dense darkness.


In 1950 there was a very earnest Scottish missionary on the Tibetan border of China. Shortly after the Communists took over Geoffrey Bull was arrested and plunged into three strenuous years of a severe trial. It has been many years since I read his story in, When Iron Gates Yield, but that book has got to be in the upper bracket of some of the finest books I have ever read. The loneliness, the isolation, the horrible harassment that he endured was unspeakable. For a long time he was subjected to solitary confinement, and then later had endless months of brain washing. When he was first arrested he read in Josh. 1:11, “Within three days ye shall pass over this Jordan”. He was greatly encouraged by this “promise of God”, but experience proved that it was three years and two months before he walked to freedom.


At the same time there was another missionary in Hong Kong that was undergoing a different type of trial. John Wingate (I am not sure that is the right name. Dennis Turner told me this story as he personally knew both men, but I am not sure that Wingate is the exact name) had been in Hong Kong for some time with nothing going right. He finally decided to call it a day and go back to England. But that door was closed also. Months dragged by with him locked into a boring non-existence, with the fruit of his missionary effort standing at zero, and yet flat unable to get out of Hong Kong. With nothing else to do, he used to go to Freedom Bridge every day, which was the only exit from China in those days, and watch the thousands of refugees stream across. One day a gaunt, half crazed, white man staggered across that bridge and fell in his arms. He and Geoff Bull were old friends from the same Brethren Assemble in England. In those long meaningless months that he was stuck in Hong Kong, John didn't know God was preparing him, and providing him, to be the reception committee for Geoff Bull when he was released. Two weeks later both men received a tremendous welcome in their home Assembly (church) in England.


I am not Geoff Bull or John Wingate, but there are times in life when the lights go off and nothing makes sense. Those times defy explanation, but we must believe God is working in the darkness, and someday dawn will come. When the lights do come on again, we can see more clearly God's purposes in those trials.


The only thing I know is that God has spoken in a very clear negative way that China is not a possibility at the moment. He has done three things making it impossible for me to leave Chiang Mai. The first was when I discovered that my Master Card was dead, making it impossible to get any money for my trip, and impossible to travel in China without a source of funds through an active Visa or Master Card. The second thing was when my front tooth fell out. And the third thing is discover that I am dead broke.


Two weeks ago I was greatly encouraged to receive a bank statement from my dear friend, Hirota, in Japan, saying I had more funds in the bank than I had had in several years. Things had come to such a critical situation in my marriage that our Thai pastor's wife, Ying, had suggested that perhaps the best thing would be for me to leave for a while. Now I had the money do it.


I have said for several years that if things ever closed down for me in Thailand, the next place I would go would be west China. For many years I have tried to go to Afghanistan or Pakistan. I have always had a fascination with Central Asia, and my journey three years ago to Kashgar and the Pakistan border gave me an introduction to the Uyghurs. I have mentioned them to you before. They are a minority group of Turkish extraction living in the Xinjiang province in west China. Ever since traveling and living among them I have had a burden to see this Islamic group brought to Christ. I pray for them much, and would consider it the privilege of my life if I could bring some of these marvelous people to Jesus.


After getting married two years ago I felt my days of adventure were over. But marriage has proven to be an adventure more challenging that carrying Bibles into closed countries. Nearly all my friends here say that getting married was a huge mistake. I must leave that with the Lord. All I can say is that this was not my idea. I didn't seek it, I didn't want it, and I said no four times. But Pammy kept getting set in front of me, and I was greatly bewildered how “the Lord” changed my heart each time. Finally when I spoke with pastor Kitchikun, I was amazed that he knew her and recommended her. On the basis of that, I felt the Lord had given a green light, and I married her in obedience to Christ – not out of hormonal necessity. This is my position now. I tell Jesus, “This is Your idea, not mine, and You will have to fix it.”


Our relationship was tremendously tumultuous from the beginning. She got so violent a couple of times that I had to wrestle her down and pin her to the floor to protect myself from bodily injury. Fortunately that has stopped, and we haven't had a physical fight in 20 months. And we have few arguments. That is basically because I have eased up on exploding. I could fill journals of shocking things that have happened. It isn't that edifying to talk about the failures of others, but she has consistently demonstrated the most unusual characteristics.


Time is a major problem. It is rare that she fixes supper. She has next to nothing to do here at home, and is gone most days. Where she goes, I don't know. A consistent exchange would be, “Where were you today?” “I was with my friend.” “What were you doing?” “I was helping her.” “What type of work does she do?” “She needs my help?” End of exchange. I know nothing. Consistently I asked, “What time will you be home?” “Six o'clock.” But then she gets home at 9:00. The reason we lost our daughter, Annie, was basically because Pammy was below the minimum level of what is required of a mother to responsibly take care of a child. On several occasions it has been midnight or later when she comes home. I am totally lost for an explanation on where she is or what she is doing until midnight. On several other occasions she has not come home at all. Six weeks ago she left to go out for three hours on Sunday afternoon, and I never saw her, or heard from her, again until noon the next Friday. At that point I decided the only option was divorce. But she said she didn't want to get divorced. I forgave her and, of course, she promised never to do that again. But there have been three more nights since then when she has not come home. Last Friday she was going out for a few hours and would be home by 5:00. She never called or came home. The next day I learned she was at her sister's house in Lampan, 100 km away. Last night she did come home with her sister at 10:30. At lest I know where she was.


Truth is a major problem. Her lies are so ridiculous they are insulting. I have given up asking, as the things she answers are so far off the wall it is pointless.


But finances are nuclear. I foolishly trusted her to handle finances. Last November I was stunned to get a financial report from Japan saying that she had drawn four months support in one month putting us four months behind. When I saw what she had done, I asked Hirota san to cancel that ATM card. That meant from December through March we had zero support. I have no idea how we lived with no visible support for four months, but somehow the Lord was faithful, and we survived. When we finally got our nose above water, and we got a new ATM card, I hid it. After some time she gained my confidence enough to where I felt it wasn't necessary to be that careful about hiding the ATM card. I foolishly left it in a drawer. She knows that is off-limits. But then when I went to use it, I couldn't find it. I turned the house upside down looking for that dumb thing, and finally had to asked Hirota san to get me a new card. Two weeks ago I was delighted to know that our bank balance was so good, but I was stunned when I tried to draw money and discovered that the ATM card didn't work. Yesterday I learned the answer. Pammy had obviously taken the ATM card out of the drawer where I had placed it, and, in ten days, overdrew the $2,000 limit. That is why it is dead And that also drained all the money we had in our bank account. Now we are back at square one, to live for a couple of months with zero support. And I can't go anywhere – certainly not China. And I can't get my missing tooth fixed.


A friend has consistently warned me that Pammy is a sociopath. I didn't know what that was but checked it out on Internet. I have known for some time that her behavior is not normal. If she is a sociopath that would explain a great deal. One of the characteristics of people with this malady is that they are void of conscience. In their mind they just can't determine the difference between right and wrong. Sociopaths can kill someone and not realize that is wrong. Pammy does the most bizarre things where she must know she is going to get caught, and not take that into consideration. Then when she does get caught she lightly says, “Oh, I am sorry.”


Pammy claims to be a very earnest Christian. She is the most aggressive witness for Christ I have ever seen. Her Facebook is full of Christian things. She is highly offended when accused that she isn't saved. She was a lady pastor in Lampan four years ago. She was in Bible school when we met. She is very popular and has a good reputation among her Christian friends. She is a tremendous soul-winner. She loves praise music. Her prayers are lengthy. Her Bible is well marked. Yet she, incontestably, is walking in darkness. There is no way you could say Jesus has control of her life.


Where does that leave me? I DETEST DIVORCE! God hates divorce and so do I – with a passion. I took a vow before God to be a faithful husband – regardless of her performance. So far I have endeavored to keep that vow. Nearly everyone is advising me to get a divorce. Several have warned she is a dangerous woman. She has run me aground three times. With her lack of responsibility she has a poor reputation among unsaved people here. My view of scripture gives only two reasons for divorce – adultery and abandonment (Mt. 19:9; 1 Cor. 7:15). I have no idea whether or not Pammy has been unfaithful. It is hard to believe that she doesn't have another man, but she adamantly denies that charge, and I want to believe her. Is lying and taking money grounds for divorce? She obviously doesn't come close to fulfilling the wedding vows of a Christian woman or obeying the Bible. But does that excuse me? Oddly enough, when I consider that she may be a sociopath, my strongest emotion is sorrow. If she is a sick woman, I feel I have a responsibility to try to help her. But psychologist say there is no cure for sociopaths. Psychologist call it sickness, but God calls it SIN. Should I stay with it knowing she will be unfaithful, lie, steal, and get me in serious trouble at every turn? It is pure madness to consider trusting her for anything. That is impossible. My prayer to God is to see her delivered from the devil and see the salvation of this marriage. But, man howdy, that is a tall order. Naturally speaking there is no hope. But with God all things are possible.


I was hoping to be in Kashgar witnessing to Uyghurs about this time, but now I am broke and can't go anywhere. This is a dark time. But when morning comes, Jesus will stand on the shore (Jn. 21:4).


Arigato gozaimasu (thank you),
bill