11 August 2013
Dear Phyllis,
There is no dearth of things I would like to share with you today. If I could reduce to e-mail all that is in my heart, it is doubtful that your computer has enough gig-a-bites (or mosquito bites) to down-load the letter. Some is positive and some is negative.
Last week the Lord laid on my heart to write another letter to my dear friend Neil Verwey. I have shared with you that Neil was wading across the River, and was waist deep in the water, but I had no idea how far he had yet to go. In my letter to him, I addressed it in the subject space for e-mail as “Farewell”; and concluded my letter with the remark “See you soon”. His son David wrote me that he had read my letter to his dad, but then sent a further dispatch 11 hours later saying that his dad had finally set his feet on dry ground in heaven. I was greatly heartened to hear such good news. Then the son of another close friend, Jim Norton, wrote me that his dad was in a similar condition. I was going to write Jim, but his son, Bryce, wrote me that his dad also got safely home. My heart is full of joy thinking of the celebration in heaven with the arrival of these two giant men of God. I can't imagine what it must have felt like to finally be released from their worn-out, pain-wracked, temples of clay to put on their new bodies that totally exceed our limited imaginations. Praise God!
Last week I mentioned that Pammy had been in Lampan for a week and was diagnosed with hyper-thyroid. Her attitude was good when she returned home, but there were serious unsolved problems that had yet to be dealt with. Much to my dismay, the Lord told me that Wednesday night was the time to deal with them. The Lord did help.
We have had horrible financial problems. Three weeks ago I received a most encouraging statement from Japan saying that we had more funds than I had seen in years. Domestic problems were such that I felt strongly that the Lord would have me go to far west China for an indefinite period. I went to the bank to draw money for my trip, and was stunned to discover that my Master ATM card was dead. About ten days ago I finally got another letter from Japan explaining what had happened. In early June, I had place the ATM card in a drawer, but when I went to use it again, for the life of me, I couldn't find it. I finally had to ask my friend, Hirota, to send me a new card. The statement I received from Japan the other day showed that while the card was missing “someone” had overdrawn the credit limit on the Master card; which explained why it was dead. It didn't take Shurlock Holmes to figure that one out. When I spoke to Pammy, I first had her read 1 John 1 about walking in the darkness or walking in the light. I said, “Your life, and our future depends on your honesty”. When I confronted her with facts, my heart sank. She flat denied reality. No, she had taken the card and knew nothing about the money. Paul has been warning me that she is a text book sociopath. Psychiatrists say that people with this malady are incapable of processing reality. They can kill someone, and not realize that that is wrong. I felt like a parent with a child that they were concerned about his hearing. To test his hearing, they fired a rifle shot off in his ear. No response. He is stone deaf. A sick feeling gripped me in the pit of my stomach that I could not reach my wife with rational thought. She is reasonably normal except there is no body home to answer the phone when I talked about the missing money.
At first I said, “You will have to go back to Lampan to live with your sister”. She asked, “What can I take with me?” “Anything in the house that is yours”. “Shall we sign the papers for divorce?” “Yes.” There was no argument or unpleasant exchange. But I went up stairs with the sickening feeling that I was confronted with a problem that is beyond my reach. Two hours later I came down stairs for supper, and she was as pleasant as she ever gets. That night she was a wonderful loving wife. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. As I lay in bed, Pammy asked, “Bill, why do you have that pained look on your face?” I replied, “The Lord will have to explain that one to you. I can't”.
Since then, not surprisingly, I have spent a great deal of time wondering and praying about my responsibility. Common sense and sanity demands, “Put her out!” But is this the Spirit of Christ? If she is genuinely sick with a bona fide mental problem, should I put her put out on the street? The fact that she has hyper-thyroid is easy. Of course I will work with her. If she had cancer, of course, I would be faithful. But where does sociopath fit in the equation? I look at this like an addiction. Shrinks call it a sickness, but God calls it sin. Shrinks say there is no cure for sociopath. I say there is nothing that Jesus cannot do.
I have been reluctant to openly discuss with you the details of the problem I have been wrestling with for two years. But if this is a medical problem, I see no restraint in being frank. At first it seemed like there were only two options – out or in. But reluctantly I did consider there is a third option – counseling. I detest that!!! I have had 20 years of shrinks and counselors. Twenty three years ago I gave up everything to return to the states to get cured by two years of psychotherapy. You know the results of that. Rosemary was certainly cured, but the cure was deadly. She became a hard-core woman's libber, and ultimately divorced me. I got labeled as incurable for banging my head against the educated shrinks. History has proved that I was right. Is that what the Lord wants? Should I knock on a shrinks door again?
There is a counseling service here in Chiang Mai. We don't don't have money for psychiatrists, but they say that Corner Stone is by donation. If that was Haggi Iverson's Burden Bears I would go in a heart beat. I don't know. Two friends have recommend Corner Stone to me. I asked Pammy if she thought she had a mental problem. She seemed to give it serious thought, and said no. I asked if she would be willing to go to a counselor. She asked about the money, and said, if it wasn't expensive – yes.
I like Jesus. The Lord has been very real. His Name is Counsellor (Isa. 9:6). I rather suspect that He is pretty good at what He does. Maybe this counseling route is the best.
I have searched my heart for the motivation that is driving me. It seems the the main force in the get-out approach is personal escape. It would be great to get out from under a maddening mess. If that is what I am after, then it is highly unlikely that this is the Spirit of Christ. There has been the strong argument that my present situation is dishonoring to Christ. That bothers me. We are so far below the minimum level of what a missionary couple should be, that it is like putting a plow horse in the Kentucky Derby. We just aren't in the running. My gut feeling is that I would rather keep Pammy than run her off. And I assure you that is not for hormonal reasons. In many ways she is a help. My Thai language is zero. It is good to have someone here to deal with people who come to the door, and the myriads of details of living in Thailand. At the base level of domestic living we are making it. There is a side of her that is marvelously Christian. She has a burden for souls, and is the most aggressive witness for Christ that I have ever seen. She is an incredible soul-winner. She loves praise music, and has that going all day. Her Bible is well marked and prayers are lengthy. There are an astronomic amount of unanswered questions, but there is no direct evidence that she has been playing hanky pank. Tonikaku (anyway) this is an interesting day for me.
On the spiritual side, my morning meetings with Jesus could not be better. Things are so fresh and real, I frequently feel like I just got saved. Oh my goodness, what He has been showing me! Recently I have been reading Andrew Murray on the Blood of Christ. Off the scale!!! He had a chapter on drinking the Blood of Jesus and eating His flesh (Jn. 6:53). This has long been a huge mystery. Andrew Murray said the the Blood of Christ – like water – had two functions. Water is both used externally, for washing, and internally, for life. He said the Blood of Christ likewise cleanses us from sin (Heb. 9:14) and that multitude in heaven who washed their robes and made them white in the Blood of the Lamb (Rev. 7:14). But the Blood of Christ is drink indeed, for our life (Jn. 6:55).
In the communion wine and bread, we have the most direct example of what the Blood of Christ and the flesh of Christ is as is possible. When we drink that wine, and eat that bread, that is literally transformed into an integral part of our body. Nutritionally speaking, wine and bread literally becomes part of our flesh, blood, and bones. Our digestive system converts the things we eat and drink to be the elements of our body. Just as real as the food and drink we live by becomes our physical body, the Spirit of God converts the things we put in our heart into what becomes our spirit.
The new birth is an unfathomable mystery. Perhaps Mary's experience is as close as we can come to understanding it. In the immaculate conception, something happened in a human body that had never happened before. There was a human seed in Mary's womb. That was just like any other female seed. But that was fertilized by the Holy Spirit. The female seed came from the woman, but the male seed came from God. At conception, a new life that had never existed was formed in Mary's body; and that fetus became Christ. In the same way, at the new birth, the Spirit of Christ enters our spirit and creates a totally new life within us. 1 Cor. 6:17 says, “He that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.” That new life within us is one spirit in exactly the same way as the life that was within Mary was one body. Mary's fetus was the union of her human seed with the divine seed of the Holy Spirit. That was one body – Jesus. In Mary's case she and her fetus were separate beings. But in our case, the new life that is in us is the new man in Christ – our spirit with Christ's Spirit. With Mary, she had two physical bodies, but in our case it is our dead spirit that becomes alive when Jesus comes into our heart.
We have all heard messages on how Jesus is the Bread of Life, and we must have three good meals a day in order to be healthy. The other day I was asking the Lord what it is to drink the Blood of Christ, or how you do it. I hadn't the faintest idea how to do it, but I thanked God that I had done it. I knew that because I knew I had His life in me. But as I asked Him how you eat and drink, the Lord gave me a perverse answer. In discussing this with Paul I said, “I am sure you know what it is to feed on smut.” He said, “Man howdy, that is all I lived on. I had drawers full of that stuff, and I fed on that all day long.” People feed on all kinds of things. Women feed on soap opera. Some men feed on porno. Some men feed on football, some politics, etc. We are what we eat. And we can feed on Jesus the same way. The other day I was feeding on my problem, and the Lord reminded me that I had better quit, and put Jesus front and center. Paul had the same experience. He was feeding on negative things, and got convicted. He started feed on who Jesus was, how wonderful He is, all He does for him. And Paul said, pretty soon, he thought he was going to explode. He said, “I felt like I was 25, and could take on the world.” I told him, “Yes, that is literally the power of the Holy Spirit strengthening your spirit”.
Someone raised the question, why did the Lord allow Neil Verwey to have that horrible cancer? David answered that question by saying, obviously, the Lord wanted Neil to animate for us how a person should handle cancer, and go to heaven. I don't know; maybe the Lord wants to animate in me how you are supposed to handle marriage problems that might bring Him glory. If that is the case, I better feed on Jesus daily, and allow Him to grow in me.
Arigato (thanks),
bill
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