13
July 2014
Dear Phyllis,
Greetings from the morgue. Last week I said my body has become like a corpse where rigor mortise has set in. It has been an honest four weeks since I first got a catch in my hip. That is still there to a minor degree but what has happened to the rest of the body is totally bizarre. At the moment my right arm is my biggest liability. It just hangs limp by my side. It is almost totally functionless. This could be my last letter. Yesterday I tired to type and the best I could do was to lift my right hand with my left and place it on the key board. But after that the fingers refused to move to contribute to the task of typing. If this keeps up this might be the end of writing.
I have given up on any thought of turning over in bed. That task is unthinkably out of reach. I can lay on my back or, on rare occasions, when I am getting in bed, I can lay face down. But I can't go from one position to the other without getting slam out of bed and getting in all over again.
Five years ago was was riding a train from Urumqi in Xinjiang to Xian, China sitting in a hard upright seat for 32 hours. The seat configuration was, two three passenger seats facing each other with a small table in between. The sleeping arrangement was to put your arm on the table and lay your head on your arm. I got on that train at midnight the first night, which meant I was lucky enough to spend two full nights sitting up right. When you are totally exhausted, putting your head on your arm on that table felt like sleeping on a Simons Beauty Rest. But there was a problem. There was a metal edge around that table that cut into your arm. The first couple minutes were so exhilarating you could ignore the pain in you arm, but after five minutes the pain in the arm became so intense it demanded a change of position for relief. The second alternative was to lean against the window. I was more fortunate than four others in that I sat by the window and could lean back with my head against it. But that too had a problem. My head was pressing against the window frame. Like the table deal, I could ignore it for a brief period but within a short time the pain in my head demanded relief. The sleeping arrangement for two night consisted of alternating between the two positions enjoying a brief rest until the pain demanding a change won the argument.
That is pretty much like I am dealing with now. There are only two possible positions to sleep in – lying flat on my back or on my left side. I lay on my back until that gets old then I can roll to my left side for a while. At first, the nights were pretty long, but the Lord has been gracious in allowing me more sleep now than what I thought possible.
This past week has been most unusual. Singha told me that he and his wife would be in Bangkok for one week so it was not necessary for me to go to school. That gave me a one week blank. Things took an unusual turn in Sangkapang in that our two students suddenly quit. That means that the school is temporally closed. The bed project I was doing with Pastor Ed of Abba House went spectacular. We were supposed to make 30 bunk beds by the end of August. We actually got them finished by the end of June. There is still more work to do but Ed said he and the boys could handle that without my presence. That gave one one full week of total rest. Usually I don't like that, but I suddenly found that there was nothing I enjoyed more than being unconscious. I would look at my bed and wonder, “What should I do? Look at the computer or take a nap?” The bed always won out. Two hours later I would wake up and think, “I really must get up.” I would drag myself to a sitting position on the side of the bed again and weigh the two option in my mind. In more cases than not the nap won out and I spent a good portion of every day in bed. I really didn't want to, as that made it more difficult to sleep at night, but I probably spent 18-20 hours in bed each day.
Three ,months ago I got bit by a dog. I really didn't know what happened at the time until later I looked down and saw blood trickling down my leg. I didn't put anything on it at the time, and was surprised that two months later it still hadn't properly healed. Several people thought my problem was because of that bite and insisted that I get a vaccination. I said, “Why should I do that? I am not dangerous and won't bite anyone.” No, I don't want or need a dog shot.
My niece Pam Gill has been extremely insistent that I must go to hospital – NOW! There has been a pretty consistent pressure from nearly all my friends that I must go to a doctor to see what is wrong. The other day my dear friends, Sheldon and Ellen Graber, sent me a nice e-mail. I responded as follows: //////////////////////////////////
9 July
Dear Sheldon,
How I love you! You two are one of the big ones on my life. Any note you send me is received with humility and thanksgiving. I appreciate the tone of your concern for me, but I am not sure it is accurate.
You say I should take care of myself. I do. This body does not belong to me and I must be careful about someone else's property. The fact that I have survived so long in such amazing condition should be a testimony that I do care for my body. I don't smoke, drink, take drugs and am not addicted to any substance. (Except perhaps Mennonite cinnamon roils). I get plenty of rest and eat properly.
I am not in love with doctors and their pills. It has probably been 50 years since the last time I was to a doctor (excepting when I cut my fingers off). Jesus said, “He that is well needs not a physician”. Why should go to one?
This momentary disablement is confusing. I have had it for a month now. It gets better and worse. Fortunately there is very little pain involved. If my back was out there would be pain. It started out with a catch in my hip, but then it spread to my entire body. I feel just like I am living in a corpse. I just can't move. Yesterday I sat down on the curb in front of my house and wondered if ever would be able to stand up again. Try as I might my legs simply would not lift me. It was like a had 100kg on each shoulder. With great effort I was able to slide around sideways enough to be able to push up with one arm. But that was a terrific trick to get in the air. Most body movement are engineering feats. When confronted with a situation I have to figure which limb has the resources to do the task. And then I have to figure out how to squirm my body around to get that limb in position so I can sit, stand, turn around, or pick up something.
I don't believe it is arrogance to say that my body is not 78 years old. Actually my body is considerably younger. A couple of years ago a nurse was taking my blood pressure for something and looked at me in surprise. She said, “Your blood pressure is that of a 20 year old man.” Until recently my tissue didn't age. Up until three years ago the nipples on my chest were as high as on a 25 year old man. Quite recently everything has gone south. But I shouldn't complain.
The Lord knows I have only one desire in life. I say Amen to Paul when he said his hope and earnest expectation was that Christ should be magnified in his body (Ph. 1:20). I really don't care what kind of a body Jesus gives me only as long as He can be honored in it. Up until now I have had a very health body, but if the Lord can get more glory in living in a corpse then that is the best one to have. I don't like it when I have to ask my wife to dress me as I can't put my pants on. But if this is more honoring to Jesus why not thank Him for it?
This might last but I doubt it. I can still ride a motor bike at high speed but getting on and off is a real trick. If this doesn't clear up then that will greatly restrict a lot of things I do every day. Physically I feel fine and the Lord is good in giving me reasonable sleep most of the time.
The only major point where the Lord and I have a disagreement is why He won't give me an exit visa from this earth. I have been trying to get one for many years. Why He should let a withered branch remain on the tree is a mystery. There is little I can point to as fruitfulness for Christ and I am embarrassed that He so badly over-pays me for what I am worth. If I was running a construction crew and had an unproductive man, I would thank him for his service, but tell him he can take his lunch pail and go home now. But I guess that is the Lord's problem. I get further and further in debt to Jesus everyday. There is no way I can get out of the hole of what I owe Him, but if grace will clear that account I can only stand in wonder, worship, and thanksgiving.
Thank you for the privilege of your fellowship in our marvelous Lord Jesus,
bill
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I am not happy living in a corpse. But as I pray about it the only thing that will come out of my mouth is thanksgiving. Of course I pray for healing, but that really is not a big issue. And I really am not that interested in knowing the cause, The only thing I know is that Jesus is in charge of my body and anything beyond that is His business – not mine. Jesus said, “ALL POWER is given into me.” Included in that, I believe He also has the power to cure ANY disease.
Last night my neighbor, John came over to see me. Half an hour later he was back with his car. He said, ' We are going to the hospital.” “No we aren't.” “Get in the car.” “No way.” You talk about a sawagi (squall, fight, riot);. Man howdy we had a huge one all night. Finally I said, “Okay I will go to prove to you that I am not a sick man.” That was my consolation. When we got to the hospital we had a war over a wheel chair. I said, “I don't need one. There is nothing wrong with my feet.” “Sit down!” He is a Dutchman. When they wheeled me in the emergency ward I said, “What am I doing here? This is where they bring sick people. Let's go home”. The nurse had the same challenge. “Do you have any pain?” “No! I feel fine.” “Where does it hurt?” “It doesn't. I just can't move.” The blood pressure was excellent. Few people are that healthy. Thank God for the doctor. After while I heard her say, “This is not a dog bit. He doesn't have rabbis.” “Oh thank thank you, thank you!” It was weird. I didn't understand a thing she said but I knew exactly what it was. That was worth the trip to the hospital by itself. Then the X-ray room. I said, “No way! I don't need an X-ray,. My bones are fine.” The X-ray proved I was right. Then the blood test. Of course it was good. I have no infection in my body. The doctor asked, “Do you want some pain killer?” “NO! N O!!! I don't need pain killer!” Three hours after we first arrived we left the hospital with three packs of medicine that I refuse to take. But at least I won the argument that I am a healthy man.
To repeat myself, the only thing in life that I am interested in is that Jesus is glorified in this body. Beyond that I don't care what kind if a body it is. Joni Erickson Toda hasn't enjoyed living in a corpse for 50 years, But Jesus has been honored in her body like very few in America. Miraculously Jesus lives in my body. What more can you say beside that. Let Him make the call. Let Him make the adjustment. Whatever He does is right. Oh praise God!
Gratefully,
bill
Dear Phyllis,
Greetings from the morgue. Last week I said my body has become like a corpse where rigor mortise has set in. It has been an honest four weeks since I first got a catch in my hip. That is still there to a minor degree but what has happened to the rest of the body is totally bizarre. At the moment my right arm is my biggest liability. It just hangs limp by my side. It is almost totally functionless. This could be my last letter. Yesterday I tired to type and the best I could do was to lift my right hand with my left and place it on the key board. But after that the fingers refused to move to contribute to the task of typing. If this keeps up this might be the end of writing.
I have given up on any thought of turning over in bed. That task is unthinkably out of reach. I can lay on my back or, on rare occasions, when I am getting in bed, I can lay face down. But I can't go from one position to the other without getting slam out of bed and getting in all over again.
Five years ago was was riding a train from Urumqi in Xinjiang to Xian, China sitting in a hard upright seat for 32 hours. The seat configuration was, two three passenger seats facing each other with a small table in between. The sleeping arrangement was to put your arm on the table and lay your head on your arm. I got on that train at midnight the first night, which meant I was lucky enough to spend two full nights sitting up right. When you are totally exhausted, putting your head on your arm on that table felt like sleeping on a Simons Beauty Rest. But there was a problem. There was a metal edge around that table that cut into your arm. The first couple minutes were so exhilarating you could ignore the pain in you arm, but after five minutes the pain in the arm became so intense it demanded a change of position for relief. The second alternative was to lean against the window. I was more fortunate than four others in that I sat by the window and could lean back with my head against it. But that too had a problem. My head was pressing against the window frame. Like the table deal, I could ignore it for a brief period but within a short time the pain in my head demanded relief. The sleeping arrangement for two night consisted of alternating between the two positions enjoying a brief rest until the pain demanding a change won the argument.
That is pretty much like I am dealing with now. There are only two possible positions to sleep in – lying flat on my back or on my left side. I lay on my back until that gets old then I can roll to my left side for a while. At first, the nights were pretty long, but the Lord has been gracious in allowing me more sleep now than what I thought possible.
This past week has been most unusual. Singha told me that he and his wife would be in Bangkok for one week so it was not necessary for me to go to school. That gave me a one week blank. Things took an unusual turn in Sangkapang in that our two students suddenly quit. That means that the school is temporally closed. The bed project I was doing with Pastor Ed of Abba House went spectacular. We were supposed to make 30 bunk beds by the end of August. We actually got them finished by the end of June. There is still more work to do but Ed said he and the boys could handle that without my presence. That gave one one full week of total rest. Usually I don't like that, but I suddenly found that there was nothing I enjoyed more than being unconscious. I would look at my bed and wonder, “What should I do? Look at the computer or take a nap?” The bed always won out. Two hours later I would wake up and think, “I really must get up.” I would drag myself to a sitting position on the side of the bed again and weigh the two option in my mind. In more cases than not the nap won out and I spent a good portion of every day in bed. I really didn't want to, as that made it more difficult to sleep at night, but I probably spent 18-20 hours in bed each day.
Three ,months ago I got bit by a dog. I really didn't know what happened at the time until later I looked down and saw blood trickling down my leg. I didn't put anything on it at the time, and was surprised that two months later it still hadn't properly healed. Several people thought my problem was because of that bite and insisted that I get a vaccination. I said, “Why should I do that? I am not dangerous and won't bite anyone.” No, I don't want or need a dog shot.
My niece Pam Gill has been extremely insistent that I must go to hospital – NOW! There has been a pretty consistent pressure from nearly all my friends that I must go to a doctor to see what is wrong. The other day my dear friends, Sheldon and Ellen Graber, sent me a nice e-mail. I responded as follows: //////////////////////////////////
9 July
Dear Sheldon,
How I love you! You two are one of the big ones on my life. Any note you send me is received with humility and thanksgiving. I appreciate the tone of your concern for me, but I am not sure it is accurate.
You say I should take care of myself. I do. This body does not belong to me and I must be careful about someone else's property. The fact that I have survived so long in such amazing condition should be a testimony that I do care for my body. I don't smoke, drink, take drugs and am not addicted to any substance. (Except perhaps Mennonite cinnamon roils). I get plenty of rest and eat properly.
I am not in love with doctors and their pills. It has probably been 50 years since the last time I was to a doctor (excepting when I cut my fingers off). Jesus said, “He that is well needs not a physician”. Why should go to one?
This momentary disablement is confusing. I have had it for a month now. It gets better and worse. Fortunately there is very little pain involved. If my back was out there would be pain. It started out with a catch in my hip, but then it spread to my entire body. I feel just like I am living in a corpse. I just can't move. Yesterday I sat down on the curb in front of my house and wondered if ever would be able to stand up again. Try as I might my legs simply would not lift me. It was like a had 100kg on each shoulder. With great effort I was able to slide around sideways enough to be able to push up with one arm. But that was a terrific trick to get in the air. Most body movement are engineering feats. When confronted with a situation I have to figure which limb has the resources to do the task. And then I have to figure out how to squirm my body around to get that limb in position so I can sit, stand, turn around, or pick up something.
I don't believe it is arrogance to say that my body is not 78 years old. Actually my body is considerably younger. A couple of years ago a nurse was taking my blood pressure for something and looked at me in surprise. She said, “Your blood pressure is that of a 20 year old man.” Until recently my tissue didn't age. Up until three years ago the nipples on my chest were as high as on a 25 year old man. Quite recently everything has gone south. But I shouldn't complain.
The Lord knows I have only one desire in life. I say Amen to Paul when he said his hope and earnest expectation was that Christ should be magnified in his body (Ph. 1:20). I really don't care what kind of a body Jesus gives me only as long as He can be honored in it. Up until now I have had a very health body, but if the Lord can get more glory in living in a corpse then that is the best one to have. I don't like it when I have to ask my wife to dress me as I can't put my pants on. But if this is more honoring to Jesus why not thank Him for it?
This might last but I doubt it. I can still ride a motor bike at high speed but getting on and off is a real trick. If this doesn't clear up then that will greatly restrict a lot of things I do every day. Physically I feel fine and the Lord is good in giving me reasonable sleep most of the time.
The only major point where the Lord and I have a disagreement is why He won't give me an exit visa from this earth. I have been trying to get one for many years. Why He should let a withered branch remain on the tree is a mystery. There is little I can point to as fruitfulness for Christ and I am embarrassed that He so badly over-pays me for what I am worth. If I was running a construction crew and had an unproductive man, I would thank him for his service, but tell him he can take his lunch pail and go home now. But I guess that is the Lord's problem. I get further and further in debt to Jesus everyday. There is no way I can get out of the hole of what I owe Him, but if grace will clear that account I can only stand in wonder, worship, and thanksgiving.
Thank you for the privilege of your fellowship in our marvelous Lord Jesus,
bill
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I am not happy living in a corpse. But as I pray about it the only thing that will come out of my mouth is thanksgiving. Of course I pray for healing, but that really is not a big issue. And I really am not that interested in knowing the cause, The only thing I know is that Jesus is in charge of my body and anything beyond that is His business – not mine. Jesus said, “ALL POWER is given into me.” Included in that, I believe He also has the power to cure ANY disease.
Last night my neighbor, John came over to see me. Half an hour later he was back with his car. He said, ' We are going to the hospital.” “No we aren't.” “Get in the car.” “No way.” You talk about a sawagi (squall, fight, riot);. Man howdy we had a huge one all night. Finally I said, “Okay I will go to prove to you that I am not a sick man.” That was my consolation. When we got to the hospital we had a war over a wheel chair. I said, “I don't need one. There is nothing wrong with my feet.” “Sit down!” He is a Dutchman. When they wheeled me in the emergency ward I said, “What am I doing here? This is where they bring sick people. Let's go home”. The nurse had the same challenge. “Do you have any pain?” “No! I feel fine.” “Where does it hurt?” “It doesn't. I just can't move.” The blood pressure was excellent. Few people are that healthy. Thank God for the doctor. After while I heard her say, “This is not a dog bit. He doesn't have rabbis.” “Oh thank thank you, thank you!” It was weird. I didn't understand a thing she said but I knew exactly what it was. That was worth the trip to the hospital by itself. Then the X-ray room. I said, “No way! I don't need an X-ray,. My bones are fine.” The X-ray proved I was right. Then the blood test. Of course it was good. I have no infection in my body. The doctor asked, “Do you want some pain killer?” “NO! N O!!! I don't need pain killer!” Three hours after we first arrived we left the hospital with three packs of medicine that I refuse to take. But at least I won the argument that I am a healthy man.
To repeat myself, the only thing in life that I am interested in is that Jesus is glorified in this body. Beyond that I don't care what kind if a body it is. Joni Erickson Toda hasn't enjoyed living in a corpse for 50 years, But Jesus has been honored in her body like very few in America. Miraculously Jesus lives in my body. What more can you say beside that. Let Him make the call. Let Him make the adjustment. Whatever He does is right. Oh praise God!
Gratefully,
bill
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