3 November 2019
Dear Phyllis,
Please forgive me for writing stupid letters,
but I just want to share with you what I am dealing with in my heart. I am
tremendously conflicted. I wonder what the Prodigal Son thought, the night of
the party, after he came home (Lk. 15:11-24): as he sat there next to the
father, the guest of honor, at the head table looking at the new robe dad had
given him, the ring on his finger, and scuffing his new shoes on the floor.
What in the world was going through his mind that night? How did those shoes
feel on his feet? It hadn't been long since he was standing ankle deep in pig
swill. But even that was a step up from the depth of sin he was in shortly
before then with the ladies in the bar. You talk about someone being conflicted
– now there is a case for you.
Firstly, I want to honestly say I am
not a spiritual guy. I am not George Mueller, or some mystic from the past.
I don't have dreams and visions. The Lord does not show me things like Daniel
or Ezekiel. I am not John who got called up to heaven. I am not a prophet, and
most of the things I think are going to happen usually turn out different. But
I do have some serious meetings with the Lord in the morning.
Last Wednesday, when I was having
devotions, I saw in my mind a scene where I was attending the award ceremony in
heaven. There was a large room with many tables. An angel ushered me over to a
table with my name where I was supposed to be seated. I sat down, but felt very
uncomfortable. This is not a place for me. I excused myself, got up, and walked
to the back of the room. That wasn't much better. I went outside and stood in
the street. Too close. I walked to the gate of the City (the New Jerusalem).
Still too close. I asked Jesus, “Lord, may I stand outside the gate to heaven
and worship you there?” That still seemed too close. Finally I walked a
considerable distance out in a desert and found a lonely place with a large
rock. I got up on that rock, faced the Throne, raised my hands, and shouted, “Praise Jesus! Praise Jesus! Praise
Jesus! ...” Oh,
that felt good!
At last I found a place where I felt comfortable to worship the Lord.
Thursday morning I went outside and sat
down in my chase lounge chair to have devotions. But before I opened my Bible,
the angel came to the place where I was standing on the rock the day before, 20
km from the City, and told me, “Jesus wants you to come back and sit at the
table that has your name.” Komatta (big problem)!!
Phyllis, shimpai shinai de (don't
worry), I haven't lost my mind. I am not hallucinating. I'm not on drugs. I am
just talking out of my heart, sharing things that are going on inside me. And I
do not apologize for the things I say. I am no different than any other
ordinary Christian. I am just a C+ Christian. I am just a poor man with
extremely poor spiritual eye sight. Spiritually speaking, I see men as trees
walking (Mk. 8:24). But I have come to the place where I thank God for
stupidity and spiritual blindness. By stupidity I don't mean dumbness. I mean
the inability to perceive spiritual reality as it is. I am totally convinced
that most Christians do not see spiritual reality in bright light. One possible
exception to this might be the Apostle Paul, and the Lord had to send a thorn
in the flesh to keep him balanced (2nd Cor. 12:7). I am fortunate
that I am blind enough that the Lord doesn't have to use extreme measures to
keep me humble.
When Moses was meeting with the Lord on
the mountain he asked to see God's glory. The Lord told him that no man could
see His glory and live. But He would place him in the cleft of the rock, cover
him with His hand, and allow him to see His back parts (Ex. 33:18-23). I can
understand that. I have told you before, that when I was in the hospital with
my cut hand the pain was terrible. I couldn't sleep, and spent a lot of time
walking the halls of the hospital at night. But in those long weary nights the
Lord pulled back the curtain of heaven about 10 cm (4 inches) and allowed me to
hear the angels singing. Oh it was wonderful! The volume was just above a
whisper, but I asked the Lord to not turn it up any higher as I feared my heart
would burst.
The other morning I sat down to have
devotions and found I couldn't read the Bible. Every verse I turned to at
random shown with such brilliance I burst into tears. When I considered my
unfitness to be a follower of Jesus, the pain was just too much. Finally, I
asked the Father, “Lord, I'm getting tired of looking at myself, please show me
Jesus.” That was even worse. What I saw was Jesus covered with my sin. You talk
about pain – oh my goodness that was awful! For some dumb reason I turned to
Zech. 3:1-4. That was about the worst place in the Bible I could have looked. I
saw Joshua standing there clothed with a filth garment. I don't know what was
on his garment but I know mine was considerably worse, and the Lord took the
filthy garment off and gave him a clean one. (“Behold, I have caused thine
iniquity to pass from thee, and will clothe thee with a change of garment.”)
That did it folks. That blew every fuse in the house. “He hath made Him to be
sin for us who knew no sin, that we might be the righteousness of God in Him”
(2nd Cor. 5:21). Who in the world can handle that?! We all know it.
Jesus changed garments with us. That is the sum of the Gospel. That's what it
all is about. That is what I saw when I asked the Father to show me Jesus
rather than myself. I saw Jesus standing there clothed with the sin of my
filthy garment on Him. No man can look at that and live. Oh thank God for poor
eye sight! If it wasn't for poor eye sight I couldn't live. How in the world
the Lord is going to enable us handle that in heaven I have no idea. Obviously,
there has got to be some horrendous alteration. The Lord has got to change us
so we can see His glory. We know that we will have new bodies in the
resurrection, but He is going to have to do something radical in our spirit to
enable us to see spiritual reality in light that is on a totally different
level than what we are dealing with here.
I'm sure you remember that great hymn,
Crown Him with many crowns. The 2nd stanza goes:
Crown Him the Lord of love:
Behold His hands and side
Rich wounds, yet visible
above,
In beauty glorified;
No angel in the sky
Can fully bear that sight,
But downward bends his
wondering eye
At mysteries so bright.
If the angles can't handle it how are
we supposed to? If you can figure that one out, please let me know. Yes, I
know. We are supposed to forget about our sin. The last point of the New
Covenant is, “I will forgive their iniquity, and will remember their sin no
more.” (Jer. 31:34). That is fine for God to say that. I'm glad He has
forgotten about my sin, but, man howdy, it is hard for me to forget about it.
Don't worry, Phyllis. I haven't lost my
mind. I'm not nuts. I'm sorry for another silly letter but these are just a few
things that Jesus has been sharing with me recently. I am tremendously
conflicted. What the Prodigal had to deal with the night he came home was just
a parable that Jesus told us. But what I am dealing with is my actual sin on
Jesus. I would like to thank Him, but adequate words simply do not exist. When
you see Jesus next week would you please thank Him for me.
Gratefully, bill
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