My Only Regret

20 Nov, 2000

Dear Phyllis,

 I have got to get to work in a few minutes but just want to jot off a line before I have breakfast. Enclosed is a copy of another chapter for the Inverted Kingdom. I had written a chapter on Worth a year ago but wasn’t satisfied and deleted it. Saturday it came to me afresh with new emphasis so I wrote this one down. Actually I thought it was better than several of the other marginal ones that I sent you in the pack of the first 32.

I don’t have time to write much at the moment, but last night as I was writing my letter to you and Ted something triggered in my mind when I quoted that verse in Rom. 11:36. I have mentioned this to you before, but I am sure that verse was the key to the failure of our marriage. We had chosen that verse to be the foundation of our marriage but Rosemary never embraced it. Had she accepted that the ALL THINGS that are OF God actually included our marriage she could have allowed the Lord to work in her that she could do the marriage THROUGH HIM, and then we would have had something to present TO HIM. But to this day she has adamantly maintained that the marriage was never OF GOD. As a consequence she was never able to appropriate the grace of God that it would take to live with me. As a consequence we are both bankrupt today. We have nothing to present TO GOD. Rosemary was terrific! She was outstanding! I loved her and appreciated her very much. I was never seriously challenged whether or not the marriage was of the Lord and if I had it to do all over again I would still choose Rosemary. She was the greatest treasure the Lord ever gave me. She was highly respected among hundreds of friends and folks that passed through our doors. People came to us and said we were the model family that they wanted to be like. She had twenty years of great reward in heaven but I fear now she has lost that reward and will stand before the Lord empty handed.

 I was thinking recently what a debt of gratitude I owe her. She was the most faithful prayer warrior I ever had. She was on her knees daily for twenty years pleading with the Lord for my demise. Few people have been as consistent in prayer as Rosemary was for me that the Lord would take me. And that was exactly what I needed the most. When she left something in me died and I have never been the same since. I feel like the Lord has made me an unusual specimen of creation. I used to be a ningen (human) but now it is as if I live in a different world and look through a glass window at the ningens inside. There is a certain amount of envy that I would like to be a ningen again, and yet there is a satisfaction and a gratitude to the Lord for the way He has made me. This has freed me from most of the things that tie people to this world and I can live in a world that is different.

My only regret is the dishonor we have brought to Christ. I cringe every time when I think that we are a living testimony of the inadequacy of Christ to enable two people to accept and live harmoniously with each other. Most counselors, and Rob included, accept that there are some people that just can’t get along and it is best for them to be separated. Who am I to argue with PHDs who have studied psychology, but it would seem to me that the Scripture looks at marriage in a different way. For Rosemary’s sake I have accepted her argument that the marriage was never of God. We both made a mistake and I have apologized to her for my error in asking her to be my wife. But I wonder if maybe there wasn’t something prophetic in that banner you made for our wedding that proclaimed that ALL THINGS were (are) OF GOD and perhaps that marriage was of God after all. If Rosemary would ever change her theology I certainly would be delighted to recant on my acceptance of her position.

I don’t mean to load you down and burden you with personal problems more than what you already have on your plate. Again, please don’t speak to Rosemary about this. I don’t want to be guilt of using the Scripture to force her to do anything that she doesn’t want to do from her heart. But that verse struck me with renewed emphasis when I wrote it yesterday.

Thank you again for all the love you show Rosemary. I feel you are the most important person in her life at this time and am tremendously grateful that she has such a wonderful mother/friend. I want to see Rosemary truly happy and have prayed much that perhaps something might come of her relationship with Junji. She really loved that man and if the Lord would give him to her she might be able to help him into the Kingdom. Personally I would like to take a short cut and try to join Ted at the Table before you all get there. That would seem to be the solutions to a lot of problems – but that is something for the Lord to decide. And thank you for the great honor that I enjoy to have you as my friend.

                                                                                    In our wonderful Lord Jesus,

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