Computer Died

May 17, 2020

Dear Phyllis,

This past week has been a challenging one. Last Sunday, after I had written my letter to you, just before I sent it I was looking at You Tube; suddenly the computer went totally blank. Like it died. I mean DEAD. I have needed a new computer for some time.. Two weeks ago Pammy had bought me a top-of-the-line HP for a give away price. It is hands down the finest computer I have ever seen, but it had two problems. It was programmed for Thai Windows and didn't speak English. Secondly, Pammy forgot the password for our Wi Fi and I couldn't get on line. I wondered why Jesus didn't want me to send that last letter, but obviously somebody didn't want it out. I was sick that everything I had ever written was gone. But Singha took my Dell to a good man, who took the hard drive out of the Dell and was able to install it in my new HP. PRAISE GOD! But I couldn't figure out how to use my HP, but Pammy was finally able to show me how to use it and got me back on line.

What I would like to share with you today is not spiritual but some lessons Jesus has been sharing with me lately. To be honest with you, this marriage has not been easy. I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, I prayed very much against it, but I married Pammy out of what I thought was obedience to Jesus. She has taught me much. I thank God for her.

One of the biggest problems is communication. This is particularly difficult because it is cross culture and limited English, I have zero Thai. The other day Singha said to me that my computer was “nearly bad”. I said, “You mean my computer is almost no good?” After a lot of frantic discussion I figured out what he was trying to say was, my computer had a slight problem, In his mind “nearly bad” was how to say “a slight problem”. Multiply that by ten and you have what I have to deal with everyday at home. Secondly, in my senior years I have had to realize that a female thought process is different to male. I have gone out of my mind trying to explain things to Pammy and have finally come to the conclusion that she flat cannot process what I am trying to say to her. By accepting that this has saved me from a great deal of frustration and anger. Don;t shout at the deaf. Accept that they can't hear you. By doing that I have had to lower the bar of expectation, and things don't surprise me or anger me like they used to.

One more level has been forgiveness. I have been utterly enraged time and again by some really unfortunate things she has done. But every time I think she has crossed the line, the Lord has reminded me that she is doing a better job of being my wife than I am as a follower of Jesus. If He still puts up with me, perhaps I should give her a little more slack. This has given me a new perspective and appreciation of what Jesus is up against in trying to get anything good out of me.

The next subject is something I have written about many times but it gets brighter every day. Last week a brother wrote me saying, “It sounds like you are experiencing things that I long for.” Some of that may be true. I do feel that I am on a new level. I am seeing things today that would have been totally beyond my comprehension when I was first saved. In my early years I had no concept of the spiritual life. A brother once came to me and said, “Bill, the Lord has never spoken to me in my life”. He was 32 years old, a school teacher, and the son of a Pentecostal pastor. I said, “Okay I will work with you. Read John chapter one and let's talk tomorrow.” The next day I asked, “How did you make out?”. He said, “I was reading how, when Nathaniel first came to Jesus, Jesus said, 'Before Phillip called you I saw you sitting under the fig tree', I thought maybe I can't see Jesus but He sees me”. I said, “Yes, that is the Voice of the Holy Spirit. That is the Lord speaking to you”. Today he is a senior staff member with YWAM. How the Lord speaks to us is a mystery to many young Christians. But now I know His Voice better.

It maybe true that the Lord has taken me to a new level of spirituality, but, may I be honest and tell you that I am still at a very low level, Jesus was exceptionally gracious in taking me in His school of learning, but I have been in Christianity 101 for 63 years, Recently He has promoted me to Christianity 102, And 102 is quite different than 101. In 101 I was able to learn ABC, but in 102 I am beginning to read and write words like, RUN JACK RUN, But even so I am a hair away from getting seated on the dunce stool with the dunce hat on my head.

The Bible is clear that we are composed of three parts - BODY SOUL and SPIRIT (1 Th. 5:23). As the body and soul are different, the soul and spirit are different. The soul is in the body and the spirit is in the soul. The soul and heart are the same thing. The heart or soul is composed of the INTELLECT, EMOTIONS and WILL. In the soul level we have this in common with all zoological life. Dogs and cats have intellect, emotions. and will. There is a difference between light and knowledge. Light is spiritual and knowledge is soulish. Knowledge can be expressed in words. It can be taught, learned, written in books. Light can only be seen, It cannot be written in books or stored. It is only present tense seeing. Sometimes the Lord speaks to us and we cannot express it in words. We know we have seen something but we can't describe it. That is why some days a certain passage of scripture is a tremendous blessing, but the next day you go back and read the same verse but it has a different flavor. It is not the same as it was yesterday. When light is translated into words it moves from the realm of the spirit to the soul level. Then those words can be expressed, but that is not the same as light.

I suspect that the overwhelming nature of present day Christianity is 98% soul. It is just words but extremely little light. We know a lot but knowing something and seeing something are not the same. The Lord has taken me into His chamber where He is showing me spiritual things. I can't describe it, but, oh, Jesus is beautiful. I cannot describe to you the Bible. It has become a much different book. It is like having a flashlight for years and then put batteries in it. Oh my goodness it is powerful. Sometimes I can scarcely read it. Frequently I will open the Bible at random and read two or three word; I burst into tears, close the Book and say, “Lord, that is it. I can't take any more”. Please, I am a low level non-spiritual Christian. I am far far far from Jesus, but oh, how I wish I could move up and serve Him. I beg my Father every day to give me a quarter to put in the offering plate for Jesus. This morning I was in a meeting (in my mind) and when they passed the offering plate around I reached in my pocket but my wallet was empty. All I could do was place my empty wallet in the offering plate for Jesus. I don't know what He can do with an empty wallet but that is all I had to offer. Then Jesus took my empty wallet, filled it with money, and gave it back. Now what do you do? I can't win. I want to give something to Jesus but I have nothing in my pocket. Then all He does is unworthily bless me. I know salvation is not a works deal but by grace. Even so, is it not reasonable that I have a little fruit to give to Jesus? Lord help me.

To me the greatest woman in the Bible is the gal who broke into a lunch meeting uninvited, and washed Jesus feet with her tears, wiping them with her hair (Lk, 7:36-38). She is hands down my favorite. Oh how I wish I could join her, but I'm not that close or good. I have begged the Jesus, “Lord, if I can't kneel beside her, please let me wipe the dust off her shoes and put them in order at the door where she took them off”. Oh, the joy if in could kiss the shoes of those who worship, and walk close to Jesus. This is my frustration. Jesus is wonderful! He is worthy!

It looks like going to the states for a while is out. Last week I got an email from my niece, Pam. She said LA is like Alcatraz; every one is locked in their house. Pam said if I went back; at 84 I would be in the highest category of vulnerable, with extreme isolation. I would be placed in a room and very few people allowed to have access to me. No thanks. What she described of Los Angeles sounded like a sequel to George Orwell's 1984. Except when Orwell wrote 1984 in 1949 he never envisioned the totality of government control then of what we have today.

If we aren't close to the end it is hard to imagine how things could get any tighter except we don't have 666 – yet.

Praise God! If this is the case that means that Jesus is nearly on His horse. Oh Lord, please give me a buckskin and let me ride with You.

Let's let it all hang out and give it all to Jesus.

                                                            bill.