The More We Turn Loose, The Lighter the Load

29 Oct, 2000

Dear Phyllis,

 It is with considerable mixed feelings that I sit down to try to compose a letter this week. In a recent letter that you sent me you shared a side of your present journey that I haven’t adequately considered. You said “this is the most difficult, terrifying experience we have ever been through.” In the face of this I have been writing you some very light-spirited letters saying how I envy you; and I am not sure that you share my euphoria. Eleven years ago Bill Rees called me saying that a lady in his church was killed in a terrible accident, that also took her husbands life, while going to her sons graduation exercise from high school. He had never had a funeral in Japan and asked me if I would take responsibility for everything. I had a wonderful time preaching a very positive funeral message where I turned to the two surviving sons, one 21 and the other 18, and said, “Today your mother is in heaven, omedeto gozaimasu.” There were some in that audience that wondered if omedeto was the right thing to say to two young men who had just lost their parents. I fear I may be in danger of a similar stunt with you all. I can understand that this is a difficult phase of your journey, but the word “terrifying” struck me with special significance.

It has been my privilege, or sorrow, to have been called upon to pass though several very stony steep places in my little travels and can be somewhat empathetic with you if this slope causes you to be a little short of breath. As a family, the three most challenging experiences were when Rosemary was very sick when David was born; the second was when we lost TJ; and the third was when the family died. The most numbing by far was – of course – the last, but the most terrifying was the first.

I was a “highly spiritual” young man with all the answers to life and very little of the experience. I had no appreciation at all for what Rosemary was going through when she thought she was losing her mind, and insisted that she walk by my faith. We were going to follow God and not listen to the devil. She had had several text book anxiety attacks that I considered to be demonic attacks that we would deal with very simply by rebuking and refusing them. Strangely enough, all that did was heightened Rosemary’s anxiety. For three weeks I had stood and resisted all attempts for help and watched Rosemary deteriorate every day. Finally the last Sunday came when I preached a rousing message on faith with knots in my shoulders and a gripping fear in my stomach. After that message a brother came up to me with a message from God and was so distraught his whole body was trembling. His voice was cracking as he pleaded, “Bill, please get that girl to a hospital. Your time is measured in hours and it may be too late already.” That message rattled me like few words I have ever listened to. I had a death fear of psychiatry and knew very few people to ask for help. I called a pastor in central Pennsylvania and he agreed it looked like hospitalization and invited us to come down. I said, “We will be there in three hours.”, but as we were walking out the door a phone call came from some friends in Syracuse, New York saying that there was a Christian psychologist up there. I said, “Make an appointment for as soon as possible, but right now I am headed for Lock Haven, Pa.” I started the car, bowed to pray, and a conviction came to check Syracuse out one more time before heading south. Half an hour later we were headed for Syracuse. That was as terrifying experience as anything I ever went through. Rosemary was on the ragged edge of sanity and couldn’t ride in the front seat. I was singing to try to cheer things up. It was a two hour drive to Syracuse and the first hour was like I was leaving hell headed for heaven and the second hour was exactly like a reentry back into hell. We stayed with our friends there and spent the next day in a fruitless attempt to get help. The Christian brother was booked solid and the earliest he could see us under emergency conditions would be Friday evening and it was now Monday morning. At 4:30 that afternoon with sweating hands I called a Catholic psychiatrist the Christian fellow recommended and the receptionist said it would be three months before we could see Dr. Rafael. I said, “Great! We will be dead tomorrow. My wife hasn’t slept in 80 hours and is going out of her mind.” Fifteen minutes later we were in the office of an associate psychologist who was an old Scottish Presbyterian. He took Rosemary in his arms and held her like a father. All three of us cried and half an hour later I checked Rosemary in to the psychic ward at the general hospital. She had been begging me for three weeks to get her to a hospital but when the critical moment came and she realized she was going to be alone in a psychiatric ward she went hysterical. As I was leaving walking down the hall she screamed, “Don’t leave me alone in this place with all these crazy people.” I almost checked myself in. I thought I would lose my mind as I ignored her pleas and left her there. Those were moment s of terror such as I had never known. Had someone written me cheery letters in those days I am not sure how receptive I would have been.    

Phyllis, you are so far beyond me that I am embarrassed to write, but I do appreciate the fellowship. I know you are in deep water that is well beyond my experience. It was significant what Joshua said to the Israelites, “You have not been this way before.” (Josh. 3:4). There had been a great deal of back-tracking in the wilderness and the Israelites saw a lot of old discarded clothes they had left in the sand several years before as the went over the same ground again. I have been on the merry-go-round in the Lord’s school of discipline so many times I am getting a blister on my finger trying to catch the gold ring. But, thank God, when He does take us on to new ground. I know this is not a place that you have longed to see. This is a time you have dreaded and put out of your mind all your life. In the years when the pain level was higher than it is now I wondered what the Lord’s anaesthetic was for pain, and I decided it was gaman (grit and bear it). I don’t know any pain pills. I have often thought when it comes to spiritual transactions the Lord does not use Monopoly money. Spiritual transactions are done in real currency. If the merchandise we get is real the price we pay must also be real. Ask Ken Henry. My goodness, the price that man has paid!

I am embarrassed that a man should be the recipient of such severe discipline as I have received at our Father’s hand and still be so unlearned. You would think that after all He has shown me that I would be the most compassionate of believers, but I am amazed at the insensitivity that still prevails. When we have a toothache it is little consolation to sit in a waiting room with other people with toothaches. But if we see someone walking out of the clinic that has just had all their teeth removed it may be some consolation to think, “Thank God, I’m not that bad off.” When we were in Ikoma a family was there where the young mother was going with cancer. I thought that has got to be the most terrible experience possible, but two years later I wrote the bereaved husband a letter saying I was envious. There was victory is his wife’s departure. They loved each other and he knew that she was better off in heaven. There was tremendous support by friends all around. He remarried and is now back in Japan with a new wife and a new life. He has a good testimony. In my case all the above were reversed. After the family disintegrated I was Simon the leper in the Christian community in Japan and the states. That has held to this day. My attempts to remarry have all been met with disaster and each time I have tried to get up I have lost more ground. I had a good testimony years ago but all that can be said of Bill Cook today is “failure”. I would rather have five funerals to one divorce. There are tears shed on tombstones, but there are no tears on a living partner where the wounds have never healed. I don’t mean to solicit sympathy, but simply to remind you that the trial you face is a clean one, it is directed of God, and is a normal function in the pilgrimage we are called to. More than that – it is the goal of life

I wish I had some magic words to say to you. But I realize the Father has called you into His chamber to share with you some private things from His own heart. It is best for someone like myself to stand in silence and wait outside the door while you are in conference with our Father. I know that what is transpiring is real as you mention in each letter the peace of God that passes all understanding is guarding your heart even in the face of a trial beyond your present experience. I’m sure you know that verb “keep” (Phil. 4:6) in the original is a military term with the picture of a soldier standing guard outside a building. The guards name is “the peace of God”, and his assignment is to guard our hearts and minds. This marvelous guard is very faithful and will let nothing by him as long as we stay inside. Unfortunately – or fortunately – there are condition on our part. The first one is that we are careful not to be careful. That is, our Father wants us to be carefree and sometimes that is a pretty good trick. The only thing I know is to hold everything with a real lose grip or better still let the Lord hold for us the things that are most important. When I was in Thailand and Vietnam the last time so many dipterous things happened to me that I virtually didn’t have confidence to get out of bed mornings. My friends knew they had a basket case on their hands and were very gracious in helping me. I had them carry my ticket, passport, and important papers for fear I would lose them. If we are having a hard time holding on to important things, sometimes the Lord is gracious in holding them for us. I’m sure you remember the story of John and Betty Stamm who were killed by the communists in China in 1936. (I know you have heard this story but I will tell it anyway.) In 1965 John’s older brother was in Japan and told an interesting side of that event. Harry was a missionary in Africa when John and Betty were in China and he was very concerned for the safety of his brother. It was a matter of serious prayer that he was begging the Lord to keep John and Betty safe. And then one day a cablegram came from their father, Peter, in Philadelphia saying they had been killed. His first reaction was to be a little incensed with the Lord and he went to the Lord to tell Him what he thought of the job He did in keeping them safe. But before he could open his mouth the Lord spoke first and said two words – “They’re safe.” I feel foolish writing you a letter like this as you know all these things much better than I, but somehow, the more we can turn lose,  the lighter our load gets.

The second condition of “being kept” is thankfulness – “with thanksgiving”. I know Ted’s present condition was not at the top of your wish-list last Christmas. Who would ever pray “Lord please give me …(Ted’s condition).” That is like praying “Lord, please give me a terrible headache.” I can appreciate this is the most terrifying, difficult time of your life, but how else is the Lord ever going to get us to heaven? And isn’t that where we want to go? What is wrong with that? I don’t like being pressed out of measure. I have never been real thankful when I have been called upon to pass through some terrible phase of life, but experience has taught us that our heavenly Surgeon knows what He is doing and we can thank Him for each and every stroke He takes – even if it takes our breath away. Jesus didn’t exempt Himself from pain and He doesn’t always give feather pillows to His children. The only words of encouragement I can think of at the moment is “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Ps. 30:5). We are all in this together, Phyllis, and somehow Jesus will get us there safely.

Thank you again for the great privilege of your fellowship. Perhaps the fellowship of suffering is the deepest.

                                                                        In the keeping of our great Shepherd,     bill

Life at the Boarding Gate

22 Oct, 2000

Dear Ted & Phyllis,

I have always thought it strange that if heaven is such a wonderful place, why is it that people are so reluctant to go there? There must be several explanations; one of which would be that we don’t have very many travel brochures telling us about it. Another is that there are extremely few people who have ever visited there and come back with a nice tan and a gift box of candy to tell us what it was like. Occasionally we do hear testimonies of people who claim to have been dead and come back, but these reports are mixed with other spurious claims that make us tend to discredit everything. I don’t think we should reject all claims of resurrections as they certainly are seen in the scripture and Jesus told His disciples to raise the dead (Mt. 10:8). Jesus Himself brought back at least three from the dead, Peter is credited with one, and another one that certainly looked that way is credited to Paul. I have heard reports in Thailand of people coming back to life. I prayed for a little girl that had been crushed under a car that looked like a bloody rag doll when her hysterical father scooped her up. Sitting on the pavement with the bereaved father and the lifeless child I noticed her head had been crushed but with no faith at all I said, “Lord you can bring life back to this little body.” I would be reluctant to claim a resurrection but I was surprised when I checked her for pulse to feel a throbbing in her neck, and was even more startled the next day when I visited the hospital to see a strong little girl crying in a loud voice protesting the IV needles stuck in her. However it isn’t the life-after-death testimonies that should give us hope, but the Word of God and the promise of our Lord that should encourage us. Strangely enough, with all of that, we still are reluctant to board our chariots.

 Another reason could be that the Lord’s chariots are very small – only big enough to carry one at a time – and this makes us feel uncomfortable. Even if He would take us to heaven in a Boeing 747 we still can’t get combined seating. Salvation is a very private matter. Even if we are traveling in a group, when you board the plane you have to give them your ticket one at a time. We each have to get our own personal ticket and all those seats are only wide enough for one.

Surely there is a certain amount of loneliness in having to board alone. Hospitals and nursing homes have a rather morbid atmosphere as a waiting room for death. If that was it, I would agree that such a place is morbid. But if we agree that we are in the boarding gate for our trip to heaven, then there should be a certain throbbing of expectation where we are going. Traveling alone, as I usually do, is a lonely experience. Occasionally there is someone who sees me off at the airport, but they can only go so far. There is always a sign saying, “No visitors beyond this point”. There I must say goodbye, and proceed alone through passport control and eventually make my way out to the boarding gate. In the last chance “duty free shops” between passport control and the boarding gate there are always a lot of people milling around buying souvenirs for friends, but at the gate there is nothing to do but to sit there and wait.  One time in Taipei I had a three hour layover and went on out to the boarding area. There wasn’t a soul around so I got out my autoharp and sat there until a crowd gathered playing my harp. One fellow came up and gave me his meishi (name card) and offered me a job playing dinner music for the clubs at military bases in Japan. (I didn’t accept.) But most people just ignored me. Even when the place is crowded, they are all strangers and I still feel lonely. But even if it is lonely, who wants to go back to the check-in counter and go through that all over again. Thank God we are at least making progress. Ted, no doubt it is difficult being partially paralyzed. I don’t blame you for wanting to get out of there and return to where you were when you were 30. But, my goodness, you are so far in front of the rest of us we are envious at the progress you are making towards heaven.

The emptiness and the loneliness of the boarding area seems so removed from where I am going. I can only enjoy my next stop in the imagination of my mind, but reality around me keeps me where I am. If I was going to Hawaii to visit David and Shinobu, and it was snowing in Tokyo; the fact that in a few hours I would be in the land of sunshine and palm trees would be little comfort to looking out the window and watching freezing men in jackets fueling the plane outside. There is nothing pleasant about waiting, with one exception; we know that time is on our side. Every time the hour hand circles around the clock it is just that much closer to the moment when we reach our home.

As a child the most difficult day of the year was the day before Christmas. For months I would dream of that new set of skates or something I was sure mom and dad were getting me for Christmas and the closer we got to Christmas the longer the days got. It seemed like Christmas Eve would never come, but finally that exciting moment came when I went to bed with my heart thumping knowing that when I opened my eyes the next time Christmas would actually be here.

There is so little around us but promises and imagination to suggest to us what it will be like when we open our eyes – but we do know this – MORNING WILL COME. A verse that has always been a blessing to me is John 21:4 – “When morning was now come, Jesus stood on the shore.” Oh, my! What an encouragement that should be to us! The night before had been a tough one for the disciples. It had been a long time since they had been in a boat fishing. After all the uproar of what they had been through in the previous days, weeks, and months, it must have been refreshing to get back to Galilee and feel the fresh air again. Peter, James, and John were raised on that lake and had spent all their life with boats and fishing nets. It must have been a great relief to be able to throw a net into the water again. But then after doing that all night and come up empty handed every time it got to be pretty old. There must have been a little frustration in Peter’s heart when that man stood on the shore and hollered, “Have you caught anything?” But then a couple minutes later, when the net was slam full, John suddenly realized who that Man was. When he remarked, “It is the Lord.” Everything changed for Peter. Hang the fish! He couldn’t wait to row the boat ashore. He was so anxious to see the Lord, he let the others struggle with the net and swam ashore.

Everything will be different when Jesus appears. It may seem like the night will last forever, but it never does. Sooner or later morning does come. And when morning comes we will see the Lord. That much is certain. What does it matter how we get there? Whether Jesus comes to meet us or we have to swim ashore to meet him it is all the same. True we might get a little wet and maybe a little chilled in our brief swim for the shore but I believe Jesus will have a fire built for us and we will dry off soon enough.

 Ted, let me speak honestly from my heart. I don’t have an ache in my bones. I am as strong in body as I was when I was 25. But I would gladly swap you even money right now – your bed for my healthy body. John said, “I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.” (2Jn. 2); and I would be a strange friend who didn’t wish the same for you. If it please the Lord to restore you and give you more years than Abraham, we shall praise Him for it. But if the announcement is heard, “Ladies and gentlemen we are now ready for boarding flight 777 for New Jerusalem.”, you are a man most to be envied. If I had your seat I would be the first one on my feet even if I had to stand at the end of the line. You talk about a nice tan; you will be 50 years younger and make me look peeked when I finally catch up. You always were way in front of me in every department. All I can do is to stand here in Japan with my nose pressed against the window and watch you with envy, but with the hope that someday I too will be standing where you are now and then pretty soon we all will be seated with Jesus enjoying the meal He has prepared for us.

Thank you for the privilege of being your friend.

                                                              In the bonds of our great Elder Brother Jesus, bill

Regrets

21 Oct, 2000

Dear Phyllis,

It was a wonderful blessing and surprise to see your letter in the mail basket yesterday. There is no way I can explain to you what a blessing it is to write to you. Sunday afternoon when I write the Brannens is easily the highlight of the week for me. I look forward all week to the moment when I can sit with my laptop and enjoy this fellowship. Perhaps you can appreciate that you are unique. I don’t have any other friends that I can write these kinds of letters to, and it is more meat to my own soul than anything you might get from them. If I was 100% selfish there is nothing that I could do that I enjoy more. But I honestly cannot take credit if there is anything of a blessing in what is written. Each week I re-read those letters and am surprised what is there. Each week I am komaru as I know that is the last letter like that. I know it will only be a disappointment if someone expects me to write a letter like that again. I feel like the subject has been exhausted and there is nothing more to say. But then the next week the Lord gives me a new theme. I can’t keep that up anymore than a hose can produce water by grunting. If nothing goes in one end there won’t be anything coming out the other. It is not the hose that produces the water. If there is any blessing it is simply a direct personal message from our Father to you – certainly not from the writer. 

 Today is the third Saturday in a row that it is absolutely gorgeous outside and I long to go somewhere but it is too lonely to go by myself. For a month I have been planning on going to Minakami – up passed Maebashi – where they have a fantastic bunji-jump. There is a bridge over a river over 200 feet below where you can jump off this bridge with a bunji cord fastened to your feet. I have had an obsession for over a month to go up there and jump off the bridge but I can’t find anyone to go with me. It will be a severe disappointment if I don’t get a chance to do this thing this year. Maybe next week. But today I want to write you.

I enjoy writing letters to you very much but I seriously doubt that the Lord is very anxious to use my “writing talents” to bless others. There is the rare person who thanks me for letters but in most cases I fear they are pretty much like my preaching – I enjoy it more than those who have to listen to me. But the theme of the Inverted Kingdom is a subject that has challenged me for years, and a year or so ago I decided to put something on paper. I doubt that it will ever get published as I can’t imagine a publisher who would do it, and then I don’t know who would ever be interested in reading it, but I have put several things on paper. At present I have finished 32 chapters. My goal is 30, so I have written a couple extra in view of culling out the poorer ones. They are very short being usually about two pages each. A book would probably have less on a page than this writing paper so it might be 100 pages in a small book. I hate to impose on your time and the time of others but I would be grateful for the input you might have on this subject. Does Dan have E-mail? If he – or any friend – has E-mail, and could print them out there, I could send this material that way which would be faster and cheaper. Of course I can send it through the regular mail but it costs me $1.15 for every letter, and over $2.00 if there are over four pages. If we can get one copy there, then you could make several copies to share with others who would be willing to help in this project. If anyone has E-mail would you please have them contact me at <billcookjapan@hotmail.com>.

 I think I told you in a letter a couple weeks ago that I had to go to Karuizawa to replace a kitchen floor in a cabin at TEAM center. The cabin used to be Hellands and before that it belonged to Manley Chase. The people living in there at the moment are Cam and Kristi Caulman from Tacoma. They said they were like spiritual children of Myron and Irene. They were very surprised when I told them that the Hegges were old friends of mine. Though I have not had the intimate contact with the Hegges for the past three years like I have with you I still have enormous respect for them. There is something about Myron’s quiet solidness that I have always greatly respected. I have always felt like I was talking with a real man of God every time I have spoken with him.

You mentioned Rosemary. I really don’t know what to say about that subject. I believe you know my heart – although I am not sure I know it myself. I believe I have a real love for her and that is the basic reason we are divorced. For several years I used the Scripture as a chain to keep her enslaved. I feel so sorry for her as I fear the devil has stolen her blind and she doesn’t know it. Worse still she has been held a hostage by religion and I suspect this is still the case. I’m sure it was a great relief for her when she finally got the papers processed to bury the marriage and I have no desire to bring her back into bondage. If she had allowed the Lord to do some things for her I believe she could be enjoying a very fulfilling life here with NLL today. She would love this place and I am sure she would be a very popular figure with all the staff. But that is all academic. If pigs had wings they could fly. I would be very surprised if we ever exchanged greetings again on this planet. I have reoccurring dreams of her having cancer and in her last days having a desire to see me before she sails out into eternity. Her son David contacts me and says that his mother wants to see me. Then I have a great conflict it my heart. In my mind, sometimes I go to the hospital where she tearfully apologizes and I forgive her; sometimes I suggest she contacts her husband Junji and have him comfort her; and sometimes I just ignore the plea. I am sure I will never be confronted with this scenario but it is an unsettled issue in my own heart. This morning I read the whole book of Hosea. It was terrible. I wish that book was not in the Bible. It is impossible to read it without seeing Rosemary in every verse, and I – of course – am blameless. That is not what the Bible is for. It is not for the other person. The Bible is for me and no one else. But I see the speck in her eye as Mt. Fuji and the log in my own eye as dust. I do pray for her with genuine emotion daily asking the Lord to give her His richest blessing. I have been praying much that the Lord would give her a wonderful husband that she could truly love; and the leading candidate is the man she did (does ?) love – Junji. She made two serious mistakes in life; the first was when she married me and the second was when she didn’t marry him. I am sure she is honest with very few people these days. I don’t know how she could be. When she was at Link Care her counselor told me he was confident she was absolutely up front with him, but then he was shocked when I told him what she had said to her spiritual father. In unguarded moments she has told me some deep secrets of her heart but I can’t imagine her telling anyone else these things if she was in control of her speech. Out of curiosity I am interested in hearing how she is doing and appreciate the little notes you share with me. I am most grateful for the love that you show to her and would thank anyone who would help her. But I don’t have the faintest idea if she would be interested or helped by reading anything I wrote to you. I will leave that decision entirely to your discretion. I have no opinion.  She did write me one letter over a year ago and it was months before I opened it and read it. Basically what she said was, ”even though we are divorced we can still be friends, and please don’t disown your sons”. Out of love and respect for her I never replied. And she has never written since.

When I was first saved my spiritual family had a cute little daughter and we were very good friends. She sometimes remarked, “Bill, you will be in Japan for a year and a half and when you get back I will have a year of Bible school behind me.” (with the hint that we might get married). I liked her very much but she was a fickeled little girl that turned me on-and-off-on-and-off. Finally after a couple years her dad wrote me that she had married some other pilot. I thought, Praise God! Good riddance! Thirty eight years later I was down in Florida visiting the folks and on Sunday morning in church a white hair lady sitting in front of us turned around with a broad smile to shake hands and said, “Bill, it is wonderful to see you again.” I looked at her bewildered and asked, “Are you Charlotte?” She was thrilled to see me and wanted me to meet her husband. I liked him and we got along fine, but that night when they came over for supper Charlotte sat right across from me at the table and I never looked at her, or spoke to her, once. I looked at everything in the room except her. I was amazed. Thirty eight years later and I still hadn’t gotten over the hurt. It was just like it was yesterday.

I don’t know why the Lord made such a sensitive man that carries grievances so deeply so long. I never say the Lord’s Prayer because it would be blatant lie. I beg the Lord for Him to be more gracious with me than I am with people I have had problems with. Yes, I know theology, but that still doesn’t help me to get over some pretty big hang-ups.

 Perhaps you can see why the deep longing of my heart is to go to Laos and disappear in the jungles. Each time I go south I hope I will not return and each time I am disappointed when I safely get back to Japan. I don’t like the idea of getting bite by a snake but a land mine would be OK as long as I don’t survive. Where I plan to go this next time is an unusually dangerous place and perhaps the Lord may be more gracious to me – but that is something that is entirely in His hands. I have had a singularly unproductive life and don’t see much chance of things being different in the future, but there are cases of the Lord taking rejects out of the garbage can to use for some specific purpose. If he keeps me faithful and I can only glorify Him then I will be busy for eternity for this greatest of all miracles.

Thank you again for your patience and wonderful love.

                                                                In our gracious long suffering Saviour, bill

Blindness of the Human Heart

15 Oct, 2000

Dear Ted & Phyllis,

Gomen nasai for last week. I’m sorry for sending two letters in one week, but the subject of our oneness with Christ seemed so imperative that I couldn’t let the one letter stand without sending a sequel to balance it.

 I have often wondered why the Lord has told us so very little about Himself and heaven in the Bible. If I was God and wanted my people to know something about me and my kingdom I certainly would make more of an effort to try to explain such a vital subject to them. No doubt there are several reasons for this strange phenomenon, but I believe one explanation is that man is just so blind that he can’t see the obvious. One illustration is radio waves. At any given moment it can honestly be said that the room we are in is filled with beautiful music. All you need is a radio and plug it in. The radio brought nothing into the room that wasn’t already there. It was simply a receiver to enable us to hear what has always been there. Surely, spiritually, this is true. The revelation of God is all around us; the problem is simply the blindness of the human heart. It is interesting that the Bible tells us of two encounters Hagar had with God and they both were by wells in the wilderness. The first time we read, “The Angel of the Lord found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness” (Gen. 16:7), which she later named Beerlahairoi – “Thou God seest me”. God saw her all the time; but she just didn’t know that He was looking. The second encounter was over twenty years later when she and her son got run off by Sarah. The lad was dehydrated and Hagar didn’t want to watch him die and sat down about one hundred yards a way. What she didn’t know was that she was sitting right beside another well. The well was always there; the problem was she didn’t see it until God opened her eyes (Gen. 21:19). Surely this is our greatest need. Spiritual reality is all around us but we just don’t see it. I’m sure this is why that was the main thrust of Paul’s prayers for the Ephesians; that God would “give to them the Spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him: the EYES of their understanding being enlightened…” (Eph. 1:17,18). Certainly this must be the reason why we are so terribly impoverished – we just don’t see the reality that is all around us. When Isaiah saw the Lord and the seraphims crying, “The whole earth is full of His glory!” (Isa. 6:3), that was news to Isaiah. The glory was there, but he just hadn’t seen it. Maybe if we had better vision we might see a little more of it.  

But there seems to be another reason why we have such poor understanding; we have very little to relate to. Paul tells us that “eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered the heart of man, the things that God hath prepared for them that love Him” (1 Cor. 2:9). It is impossible to describe a rainbow to a blind man or the sound of a harp to the deaf. The Lord has tried to explain some of these things to us in His Word but – to do so – He has had to strain vocabulary, and do violence to human speech in His attempt. Try like we might we cannot visualize what Ezekiel saw in chapter one or what John saw on the Island of Patmos. There is a fellow, Rick Joiner, (I believe) who had an unusual vision about six or seven years ago and wrote an interesting book, The Final Conquest (I think that is it). I read three extensive articles in a magazine about this and found it the most helpful explanation I have ever heard on the subject. Among other things he said there are colors in heaven that we don’t have on earth. That is interesting because scientist already have proven that. They know the wavelength of various color spectrum's and they have measured wavelength of colors we can’t see; but we know they are there. The only difference between light and sound is the length of the wave. The wave is identical – it is just that the length is different. Wouldn’t it be something if in heaven we could see sound or hear light?   

Back in the ‘50s, when Betty Elliot was living and working with the Auqas in Ecuador, can you imagine what it would be like for her to try to describe to those savages who had never seen a wheel what life was like in America? When she baptized her first Auqa Christian they brought that convert to Wheaton Bible Church for the baptism. What a traumatic experience! And then what would it be like for that soul to return to the jungles of Ecuador and explain to the rest of the gang what Chicago looked like?  Anyway, that is a poor illustration of what is waiting for us.

There may be another very good reason why the Lord has shared so little of this subject with us. I’m afraid if we knew, or could comprehend, more about heaven there would be such a push for the door He would have a hard time keeping us on this planet. People would be lined up clear around the corner begging God for visas to visit heaven, but then He could never get the illegal immigrant out again. People would be trying to bribe angles for their gown so they could hide out in heaven. We thought the exodus was bad from Dang Nang when over 1,000,000 people tried to escape when the communist “liberated” that town; and the hundreds of thousands of desperate boat people who risked everything to get out of Vietnam for the next twenty years. It would be worse than that if we had a better view of heaven. I can’t imagine how God could keep us happy on this earth.

Perhaps one of the most amazing things is that the only One who ever fully took all of this in and still lived here was Jesus. Over 40 years ago I was going out one Sunday to preach in a church in Kurihama (south of Yokosuka). It was a warm summer day and I had on a light summer suit. Kurihama was a small town and the eki was just one of those whistle stops with the most primitive facilities. While waiting for my interpreter to show up to meet me I decided to take care of the necessities of nature before the service started and went in the rest room. You remember what they used to look like. While in there I could hear the plaintive crying of a little kitten coming from somewhere. I opened one of the stall doors and saw that someone had thrown this poor little thing down in that pit. I like kittens and I thought I have got to get this poor thing out of there. Unfortunately it was about four feet down to where the kitten was and I couldn’t reach down that far. I looked around for a shovel or something I could stick down in there to rescue the helpless thing. Finally I realized the only way left to pull that poor little creature out was to take off my summer suit and crawl down in there with it. I loved that cute little kitten and it looked up pleadingly at me, but I said, “Gomen little friend. I love you but I don’t love you that much.”; I closed the door and walked away. As I was walking away, the Lord reminded me that what He did for me was far more than crawling down in a filth pit for me. He didn’t just come down here and get tsumi darake (covered with sin) – He BECAME SIN for me, that I might wear His spotless garment (2 Cor. 5:21). Knowing all the glories of heaven, Jesus still came down here and descended to the lowest possible point – He descended into hell – to pick up the lowest straggler in the pit. Now that is AMAZING! Having done all of that for us, do you think Jesus would bolt the door on us now? What a home we have waiting for us in just another mile or two ahead. I don’t know about you, but that makes me more home-sick than listening to country music. 

While I am on the subject of Vietnam; I have contact with a fine church in Hue. Hue is the Kyoto of Vietnam as it used to be the capitol where the king lived several hundred years ago. It is not too far south of what used to be the DMZ that divided north and South Vietnam. I have been there twice and have a family I am quite close with. I spoke in that church a year and a half ago. The last time I was there I promised them that on my next trip I would try to bring them a computer. I have this incredible contact in Akihabara where I can get used laptops for $150-$500. I bought this one that I am using now for $400 and think it is the greatest thing since grits. If the church there in Tacoma or the TEAM prayer fellowship, or anybody else, would care to help me, I believe it would be a very good investment for the kingdom to help these Christians get on Internet. If they had a computer it would give them a lot more access to the outside world. Lord willing I hope to be heading south in another month or two depending on my finances. I will pay for this out of my own pocket but the Lord seems to be determined to keep me a very poor man. Last month I made a little over $500 out of which I must take living expense. Technically I am supposed to make $90 a day, but I haven’t seen that in three years. The last time I got paid $1,400 for three months work and then I was relieved of all of that the first day in Thailand. I was $1,200 behind as soon as I got back to NLL and the first month back nearly all went to pay back advanced salary. Tonikaku, I would be grateful for anyone who wanted to help me get a computer for the church in Hue.

 Gomen for a tsumaranai (boring) letter. I know you know all that I have written better than I, but even Peter thought it would be helpful to remind the believers in his day of the basics again (2 Pet. 1). It is amazing how we never tire of hearing the old story and the more we look at it is closer examination the more unbelievable it becomes. But this strange phenomenon is one of the proofs of its reality. Abraham told Eliezer to take a golden earring and two golden bracelets to give to the young lady who would accept the proposal to be the bride of his son. Long before Rebekah saw Isaac she was wearing her jewels as a proof of the commitment. Isn’t it wonderful that Jesus has done the same for us in giving us the Holy Spirit as His pledge? Phyllis, you look beautiful with your earring and bracelets, but that is only the down payment of the full inheritance that is soon to come. What a striking couple you will be when we get to see our Isaac and He opens to us the chest of jewels He has saved for us. I want to see you in a fashion show – but maybe that will be reserved for Jesus.

My love and prayers are with you daily;

                                                                        In the grace of our soon coming Lord, bill

Kitazumi san

8 Oct, 2000

Dear Ted & Phyllis,

Last week one of the fellows who has been working here for four years quit and we had a sobetsukai (farewell party) for him at noon on Friday. Most of the staff showed up but I noticed some were conspicuous by their absence. Later I met one of the girls in the hall and asked why she kesseki surued (not go) to the meeting. She bluntly said, “Because he is the enemy.” And then she told me a shocking story. At some point during the past four years she had had some sort of a problem with this “brother” and he made the most obscene gesture to her that I have ever heard of by someone who professes to be a Christian. When she told me that, I was dumbfounded. My mind instinctively searched for what would be an appropriate response to such a vile gesture. I thought, “If I was a woman the most minimal thing I could think of would be to slap his face.” But that seemed totally inadequate. As a man I would have liked to deck him. But as I spent a great deal of time contemplating the problem several things came to mind.

Yesterday I wrote Tomoko a letter and this is the gist of what I said.

…The first thing I came up with is, this is an expression of an intensely hostile person. There has got to be a huge amount of hostility inside that poor turkey. Why? That is a very interesting question. Obviously he is carrying around a lot of deep wounds. Someplace along the line he has been hurt very badly and his hostility shows it.

Kitazumi san is a strange bird. He lived in the room next to me for four years. He is not the type of person I would choose for a close friend. I have never felt comfortable with him. Once or twice he came to my room to be a personal friend and said he was so moved by some of the “misfortune” that has been my lot to bear that he wanted to pray for me. Then he laid his hand on me and poured out his heart asking God to bless me. I was really touched. He is the only person that has ever done that.

 I don’t think anyone  wanted to go to that sobetsukai but it was noon and shigata ga nai. Saito san shikaied  (led) the meeting and asked Tanaka san to be one of the speakers to say something nice about him. She had her back to Kitazumi when Saito called on her. You should have seen the sour look on her face. It was a real challenge to think of anything nice to say about him. When the meeting was over I would have been pleased to just leave the room without saying anything, but common courtesy dictates that you say something so I stopped by his table to say goodbye. Later, as I was getting in the van to drive to the eki he came out in the parking lot to say goodbye again and I was impressed with the loneliness in his soul. He held my hand for a long time and his grip was so weak I had to be careful not to squeeze too hard. From the moment I heard he was getting married I have always felt sorry for his wife. I couldn’t imagine any girl that would want to marry and share her life with him. The only reason I could come up with was uncontrolled hormones that she must bitterly regret. I sincerely hope I am wrong.

But when I think of Kitazumi san I am forced to think of the Gospel. He is a bonafide reject to humanity and yet Jesus loves even people like that. He is a poor grotesque soul. But he reminds me a lot of myself. I see myself in him. I am filled to overflowing with hostility and have more hang-ups than a telephone company. I come across in a very unpleasant manner to a lot of people. I can only respect the people that hate me because they are right and I agree with them. It is pure grace that Jesus would tolerate such poor benighted souls; but it is even to us that the Father has extended an invitation to attend the Wedding of His Son. Kitazumi san and Bill Cook are two people I would leave off the guest list to such an event. Having too many people like that around would spoil the party. But the astounding thing is – not that we are on the guest list – but we have been invited to sit at the front table! Can you believe that?; THE FATHER HAS SELECTED US TO PART OF THE BRIDE HE HAS CHOOSEN FOR HIS SON!!!  WE ARE SEATED NEXT TO CHRIST!!!!!  May the Lord excuse me, but that blows my mind! In my wildest imagination I cannot conceive such a thing. I can believe that Jesus died for me, but I cannot believe that Jesus wants me to sit in the same room at His Wedding Feast – much less to be part of His Bride. My mind just checks out at that. Tomoko, could such a thing be possible?

The wife of a friend told the story of a fujinkai she once attended. Someone had the brilliant idea to have a let’s-show-the-love-of-Christ meeting and passed out one rose to all the ladies when they came in. Then the leader suggested, “If there is someone in the room you need to get right with, please go to that person, tell them how much you love her, and give her a rose.” Tragically, there was a Kitazumi san in the room, and she wound up in tears with a red face and an arm full of roses. She won first place as the most unpopular gal in town and got all the roses as a trophy. My heart goes out to people like that.

Isn’t God amazing? Somehow He doesn’t respond to our unpleasantness. Somebody wrote Christian words to the tune of Danny Boy that conveys a tremendous message: “He looked beyond my sin and saw my need.” Dear Tomoko, please don’t think I am preaching to you. When you told me the stunt that Kitazumi pulled on you I admired you for your grace, and thought you are a better Christian than I am. I couldn’t have handled that as well as you did. But through that brief chat the Lord has taught me a lot of things.

Writing this letter really challenged me. I had a hard time coordinating my mind with my theology. My theology tells me one thing and it is easy to give mental assent to it. But then when it came to trying to envision that in realistic terms – that was beyond me. I don’t know if Kitazumi san is really saved or not. He certainly goes to church regularly and professes a testimony. But he reminded me of what a strange event the Wedding Supper of the Lamb will be. Jesus told us a little bit about it in Matt. 22:1-14 when He said “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a King which made a Marriage for His Son.” That makes perfect sense. I can believe that the most primary thought in the heart of God is to make a marriage for His Son and give Him the place of honor of which He is due. But if we didn’t know the OT and the history of Israel, and the depravity of man in our own hearts, it would be difficult to imagine anyone turning down an invitation to such an event. Perhaps as missionaries we can appreciate better than average the strange phenomenon where we offer to people eternal life and very few are interested. That certainly demonstrates the inexplicable response of people when we tell them that God wants them to attend the Marriage of His Son. But when the tables still are not filled God sends His servants out to drag in the rift-raft off the streets. That is more than my mind can handle. Did you ever go to the Governors Garden Party at the Seizan Hotel in the summer time? The Nagano-ken governor threw a garden party each summer for the erai folks in Karuizawa which included the crown prince, the diplomatic corp, and major celebrities. I never figured out why, but missionaries got invited too and we usually went. It was a bit of an honor to be invited to go, but we never were invited to the royal weddings. If the Lord asked me to make up the guest list of those who should be invited to the Wedding of His Son I don’t know where I would start. I’m afraid I would be like John when he heard the challenging question, “Who is worthy to open the seals?” (Rev. 5:2). He wound up in tears as no one was worthy. I could make up a list of the ones that shouldn’t be invited, but there the grace of God blows me away. It taxes my mind to the limit to accept that the Lord lets in some of the strangest people. But then to say they constitute the Bride of Christ!??

 It doesn’t challenge me too severely to imagine Ted and Phyllis Brannen as integral members of that Body, and I can easily see you seated at the front table, but to put Kitazumi san and Bill Cook on that list is more than I can rise to. If indeed we make it I can’t imagine what kind of expression of gratitude we could show to the Lord for this <       >  (what ever you call it). I hate to use the word Grace because that doesn’t begin to express our debt to Him. I don’t know what the word is, but whatever it is, I can only imagine myself lying flat on the ground weeping for the first several hundred years. But maybe we all will feel that way.

 Isn’t Jesus wonderful?  

                                                                                             With much love and prayers, bill