Eye Sight

11 October 2020

Dear Phyllis,

1989 to 1991 was easily the darkest moment of my life. That was the top of the slide into hell. After Rosemary told me that she had given her body to another man and was determined to leave me, I got engaged in the most intense spiritual battle of my life. No one ever tried harder to save their family and marriage than me. For two years it was like trying to pray the brass horns off a billy goat. I begged God, I prayed, I pleaded – all to no avail. Reality turned out to be much worse than my fears. In my worst thought I could not imagine that things could turn out as badly as they did.

When I hit the jolly bottom the Lord spoke a very critical word to me. In 1961 I heard Joe Carroll preach a tremendous message on Ps. 27:4 – One thing have I desired of the Lord; that will I seek after: to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life; to behold the beauty of the Lord and esquire in His tabernacle”. I choose that to be my life verse. When I exhausted myself praying for the salvation of my family, the Lord said to me, “You have spent 30 years talking about this verse but you have never practiced it”. Gong. I knew He was right. I decided, “Okay I will quit praying for my family and give myself to practicing one thing – to behold the beauty of the Lord”. I did. For one month. I never saw a cotton picken thing.

That brought up four vital questions. Are you supposed to see something? What are you supposed to see it? How do you see it” And if you don't see anything – why? As I prayed over these four questions, the Lord started at the end to explain it to me. The answer to the question on why I didn't see anything was simple. Poor eye sight. Then the Lord told me He had some medicine to cure poor eyesight. But it wasn't free. It had a price on it. “I counsel you to buy of Me eye salve that you may see” (Rev, 3:18). I told the Lord, “Lord Jesus, if You have some eye salve to cure my blindness, sign me up. What does it cost?” What He told me after that has been some of the most essential tools I ever learned..

The first price Jesus told me was a single eye. He said if I had that my body would be full of light. The opposite of a single eye was not plural but evil. (Lk. 11:34). Realistically speaking, Jesus told me if I wanted to improve my eyesight I would have to cut down on competing interests, Being obsessed over my family salvation was one. I had to let go of that and think more about Jesus. Being consumed by that problem and spending 24/7 thinking about it did not produce faith, On the contrary, it was highly toxic. If we can just let Jesus fill the vision of our thoughts in our mind, it sure helps the eyesight. When your mind is full of junk, it is very difficult to see anything spiritually., and we certainly are not going to see the beauty of the Lord.

The next price that Jesus told me the eye salve was going to cost was discipline. If we don't have a degree of self-discipline we are like a weather vane turning to any direction the wind of personal pleasure is pointing. We make resolutions that we are going to read more of the Bible but in very few cases are those resolution actually met. We have to be a little disciplined in where we let our thoughts go and the most important is that we must be disciplined in keeping the promises we make to Jesus. It is real easy to be slip-shod about going to bed at night and sleeping in the next morning..

In 1966 Malcolm Kromp was the speaker in Karuizawa. He told about a Christian man in his church who had been very much on fire for Christ but cooled off. The man had an accident at work one day and was hospitalized for two weeks. When Pastor Kromp went to see him in the hospital he noticed a stack of girly magazines on his bed stand. He asked, “What is this?” “Oh, of course I don't look at the pictures, but there are some interesting articles that I read.” “This is serious. I'm taking these magazines'. “But pastor I haven't read them yet.” “From now on I am putting you on a diet of Bible only. No books, no magazines, and no TV. Bible only. I will come to see you every day”. The next day when he went to see him he asked, “How is it going?” . “Oh, pastor, this is awful. I am going out of my mind”. Everyday it got worse. He begged, “Pastor please let me read some thing else. The Bible is so boring” Then the forth day when Pastor Krump visited him, he met a whole new man. The brother said, “This morning I thought I was going out of my mind. I picked up my Bible and started to read at random. God spoke to me”. He burst into tears and was wonderfully restored to his joy in the Lord.. Discipline is necessary to stay with it even when it is boring.

The third price Jesus told me the eye salve would cost was TIME. To meet with the Lord frequently cost a great deal of time. We must spend a lot of time waiting in God.

In 1940 Merle Dehaan published to small daily devotional booklet called Our Daily Bread. It has been the most popular Christian publication ever produced. In millions of homes across America there are the monthly copies of Our Daily Bread in the bathroom next to the toilet or on the kitchen table. In tens of million Christian families this is read every day while sitting on the toilet, or at the table having family devotions before a meal. There is no question the contents are excellent. There is always a Bible reading you are supposed to read and then a brief good Christian testimony. I am not opposed to reading Our Daily Bread, but I am intensely opposed to thinking that is daily devotions. Spending time with Jesus is not reading Our Daily Bread while sitting on the toilet. And real family devotions should involve everyone pitching in. I would say a minim,um time of devotions would be 20 minutes.

When God called Moses to meet with Him on the mountain. Moses sat there in silence for six days. It was on the seventh day that God spoke to Moses (Ex. 24: 16). Sometimes we wait a long time and Jesus has nothing to say. An at last we hear His Voice. Sitting in silence is not easy but sometimes it is necessary. Daily devotions is not reading one or two chapters from the Bible and then reciting a wish list. David said it was beholding the beauty of the Lord. Real worship cannot be real unless we are actually seeing His beauty and telling Him how overwhelmed we are with it. It is impossible to be engaged with realty by looking at a blank wall and raving, “Oh, how wonderful You are, Oh how beautiful You are. Oh how I love you” That ain't real. You are looking at a blank wall. But when the Holy Spirit reveals to us something about Jesus, that out pouring of worship is genuine. It is okay to tell your wife you love her even if you don't feel like it. And it is okay to praise Jesus even if your heart is cold, But real worship requires revelation.

These are three things that Jesus told me I would have to pay the price if I wanted better eyesight. That was 29 years ago. Since then I know the answers to all four question I had at that time. Yes I have seen His beauty, but it wasn't what I thought. Jesus isn't beautiful because He has a 48 inch chest. His beauty is not physical but His character. When we see His character we can only say, “You are beautiful”

Jesus said, “God is a Spirit and those who worship Him must worship in the Spirit” (Jn. 4:24). Tragically; much of our worship today is in the soul level.. We have a lot of soulish activity - good music, interesting sermons – but very little activity in the realm of the Spirit. One time I was speaking in a Japanese church. At the end the leader said, “Let's thank Cook sensei for this wonderful message”. And they all applauded. I stood up and said. “I appreciate your thanks, but if you can applaud that means you have only been entertained. If God had spoken to you your would walk out in tears and silent.”

I am not David and I am not spending my life in His temple beholding the beauty 0f the Lord, but I have seen some of it, and all I can say is that He is wonderful. Thank you Lord.

                                               bill

 

At the River

10- October 2020

Dear Phyllis,

I may be at the River, If this is it, I have only stuck my toe in the water The water is surprisingly warm. It is just about body temperature. I have thought I have been at the River a couple times in the past, but it turned out to be a mud puddle or a wet towel someone left on the floor.

When I was in the Air force before going overseas I had to go through a survival school at Stead AFB, Reno, Nevada. Part of that course was to do a survival trek through the Sierra Nevada mountains up near Lake Tahoe. They took us up in the mountains and we had to do a seven day, 50 mile trek, with two days rations of food and a 30 lbs pack on our back. There were seven of us in my group and we took turns leading each day. The day that it was my turn to lead was easily the most critical leg. We had to cross the Truckee River and there was only one place where there was a ford shallow enough to wade across. I had a topographical map that showed elevation in rings. We had two instructors with us in case we got in a life or death situation, but they would let us get lost, and if you did, you had a real big problem on your hands. I did reasonably well all day following the map and at 5:00 that evening we came out in a clearing on top of a low hill looking straight down on the Truckee. I checked my map and was terrified that there was a mountain on ,my left side where a valley was supposed to be and a valley on the right where there was supposed to be a hill. Panic time! I had a complete mental blank. As I stood there in terror wondering what to do, one of the instructors came up to me and said. “Congratulation, lieutenant. You have done an excellent job. You're right exactly where you are supposed to be”. What a relief!

I don't know if this is the crossing of the River where I am supposed to be or not. I don't know if this is a shallow ford or deep water where you have to swim. But I do know that sooner or later I must come to that River and make my way across it. But however I get across that River the fact that it is the border to the Celestial City can only be joyous news..

Seven years ago the wife of a close friend called saying her husband and please come immediately. John was past conversation. He was lying there groaning in death throes. I walked up and said, “Congratulations, John. You are number one in line”. He wasn't talking but his mind was still clear. He didn't like my remark. His eyes just flashed in terror. He didn't want to die. It turned out that he lasted forever. The next afternoon I said to him, “John, the deep part is behind you. The water gets shallower from here on in”. That evening at 11:00 his boyhood buddy was standing there with me and I asked Dan, “What are you going to do? I'm going home”. Dan replied, “We have been friends all our lives. I am not going to leave him now.” The next morning Noi called to tell us that John had passed away at 2:30. I asked Dan, “How did it go at the end?” He said, “John was just lying there peacefully resting. Gradually his breathing began to slow down. It got slower and slower and finally John set his feet on dry ground on the other side The pastor asked me to pray at the funeral. My heart was bursting with joy, John had been walking towards that City all his life. Now he was there. It can't get any better than that.

I really don't know if I am at the River or not. If we were going to take bets here, I believe the odds would be on the side that this is not something from which I will recover. Pammy is making plans for my funeral. She doesn't think I will make it to Christmas. I think she is wrong. About two weeks ago my energy level went into free fall; First I was operating on 50% energy, then 20%, then it went to zero. I feel fine. I am in good health, but I just don't have the energy to do anything. Hyper overexertion is not a real good experience. That is when you overshoot the mark and put out more energy than you have to spend. You don't pay the price when you stop, but ten seconds later. All you can do is lie on the ground or your bed and writhe in pain. Your heart is racing like crazy. You are gasping for breath, and your whole body is screaming in pain. This will last for 2 or 3 minutes until your body slows down and after 10 minutes you are back to normal. I am locked in a body where the will is there to do things, but the body flat refuses to cooperate. The bar for hyper overexertion is set extremely low. If I stay inside the envelope there is no problem, but if I cross that line it gets real expensively as there is a dear price to pay, I can still walk up stairs but when I do I have to lay down immediately panting for breath. I had very similar problem five years ago where I became a complete invalid. I went to two doctors, both of whom told me I was the healthiest man in Thailand. One doctor told me maybe I should see a psychiatrist. I have a friend who is a psychiatrist and she said she never heard anything like that. Before, I just let my body do what it wanted. That was to stay in bed 20 hours a day. This time I am fighting it and try to push the limit every day with exercise. I got up to where I walked 400 meters, but that took an hour and three 20 minutes breaks in between.

The biggest thing that is different this time is that supposedly I have cancer in my body. I am so healthy I can't imagine how I can die of this. All my organs are excellent, but, man howdy. there is no fuel in the tank. Pammy took me to school this morning. I flat could not ride my bike that far. I was able to sit and talk to the children for 40 minutes, but then I had to lay down and rest for an hour.

I don't know. I don't think this is the River, but if it is, this is the most wonderful place I have ever been. The other day I read in Isiah three times where it said “Fear not”. I laughed and said, “That doesn't apply to me”. It has been so long since fear has crossed my mind that I have forgotten what it feels like. Fear is so far from me that it isn't in my lexicon. The room where I am now is totally aseptic of fear. There is not a molecule of fear in this room. My goodness, what is there to be afraid of? Jesus has His arms around me and NOTHING can get to me without going through Jesus. It is like being in a 747 and be afraid the plane won't hold you. If the plane can hold 200 or 300 other passengers it is not likely that my seat is going to fall out. Sit back and relax.

Praying for healing is almost a dirty word now. To pray for healing is to say “I want...” The only time Jesus came close to saying those words was in the garden when He prayed three time, “Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me”. But He always added, “Nevertheless, not My will but Thy will be done”. The only scenario where I would say “I want” is if Jesus would lay two things on the Table and ask me which one I wanted. My answer then is simple - “Lord, I want Your will. I want You to make the call”.

There are only two prayers that totally dominate my prayers. Number one; I beg God that Jesus is glorified in my body. I don't care how, only that Jesus is honored in my body. And secondly I beg Jesus to take the wheel' I don't want to touch the wheel. I don't want to make the calls for my life. Please, Lord, keep my cotton picken hands off that wheel. Let me sit in the back seat. Wherever He drives this car is exactly the place I want to go, If He heals me and keeps me here for another 15 years – fine. If I die in agony, that is His call. I have had a request that I wanted to shed my blood for Jesus, but that honor is reserved for class A Christians. Those crowns are not passed out to also-runners. I didn't want to be carried to the sky on a flowery bed of ease, while others fought to win the prize and sailed through bloody seas. But if Jesus sends a limousine to pick me up, okay. I don't care if it is a limousine, a Honda bike, a mule, an inner tube, or I just plain have to swim to get across. I have been in deep water before and Jesus has always kept His hand under my chin, lest I loose breath. It isn't likely that He will let me drown this time.

I don't know. Maybe this is the wrong crossing. If it is, I am going to have to get a towel, dry my feet, put my cowboy boots back on, and trudge on for another 20 or 30 km. But wherever I am the air sure smells good.

Thank You Jesus,

                          bill