26 Feb, 2001
Dear Phyllis,
Winter has come to Japan.
Of course it has already been here for nearly three months but the real weight
of winter doesn’t really set in until February. In Karuizawa the schools have
the kanchu yasumi (middle winter vacation) as this is the coldest time of the
year. They figure it is better to take a break in the worst part of the year
than in the summer. On the west coast where it snows everyday, this is the time
when winter really gets old. With the first snow of the year there is a
freshness and a welcoming of the new season with skiing and all the winter
activities, but by February, people weary of the incessant battle of
continually shoveling snow and the drabness of the black and white horizon. I
always find it depressing to look at the barrenness of leafless trees, and it appears
all of nature has died.
But right in the face of this – at the worst time of the
year the blurb blossoms come out. When no self-respecting tree would dream of
putting forth a green bud and the cherry blossoms are still a month away, the
plumb blossoms defy all of nature by bursting forth. There is a beautiful tree
half way to the eki that I marvel at each time I go by. It is in full bloom.
When I look at that I was caused to think of you and me.
Surely we are in the coldest time of life. The freshness of
youth has long since past from the scene. Even the fruitfulness of maturity
seems to have faded and there is little more to do but sit here and ganman the
barrenness of a life that is history. I am startled in talking with most of my
friends these days, that they don’t know who I am referring to when I say, “Do
you know _______ san?” or “Have you read _____ book?” It is like I was born on
a different planet, and what was daily conversation a few years ago are names
and events that most people have never heard of today. I can’t say that I envy
you living alone in an empty house. The presence of Ted filled that house for
so many years and the emptiness of it today must be a heavy weight to bear.
Truly winter has come to our lives.
But maybe this is the time for the plumb blossoms. If
nothing else their very presence is a herald that soon they will be followed by
the cherry trees and shortly after that all nature will begin to sing again. I
got a letter from Millie Dennis the other day reminiscing of the old days when
they were in Karuizawa with Earl Tygert. It seemed like torture to them then
and they longed for release. That day finally came and then they had several
years of very good fruitfulness with TEAM. They had an outstanding 18 years of
it and Millie wishes she could have a rerun. But then she said, “Do you know
where we will be 37 years from now? We will be in what Dick called ‘reality’.
We will all be with Dick and Ted, and our many other friends.” It won’t be
long. Six weeks ago when I was arrested, sleeping on the crack between two
wooden beds, sitting on top of that lonely mountain on the China border, it
seemed morning would never come. I wondered what it would be like to be back in
my room in Hatoyama. Time seems to stand still in winter, but the sun is moving
north and the courageous plumb blossoms remind us that the worst is behind.
Life will be here soon.
This past week was a big one for me. Last Friday they had
the dedication of the new $6,000,000 press that has just been installed. We had
been preparing for that for weeks and Roald really put on a good show. There
were 100 invited guests and about 15 erai kyaku sans (famous guests) that came
from overseas for the event. Among the distinguished guests was Brad Jordan
from Hong Kong. This is the first time Brad has been
back in Japan
since the momentous event when he red-lined me from serving the Lord in China
for defective character. Tragically I never recovered from that setback and
have been totally defeated with a spirit of bitterness against Brad. They had a
big celebration party the night before the dedication for about 30 gaijins and
I was supposed to attend. That was about as realistic as asking a fish to climb
a tree.
The night of the party I wrote Millie a letter saying,
“Tonight I am the Elder Brother. All my brothers are having a party at our
Father’s house and I am out in the cold in Karuizawa.” I was reminded of a time
after Rosemary left, Jay and I were living in an unheated shack with no toilet
and no anything else. I was really feeling sorry for myself when suddenly the
Holy Spirit spoke to me, “Son, thou art ever with me and all that I have is
thine.” I immediately recalled the setting of who said that and to whom it was
spoken (Lk. 15:31), and I thought,
“That poor turkey was in worse shape than I am.” But just like it was on that
night that Jesus told us about, the Father came out to speak to me. Before
going to bed I decided to reread the story and opened to Luke. But before I
could get to chapter 15 I got stuck in chapter 11. I read the story about the
fellow who had a kyaku san show up one night at midnight
and there wasn’t a thing in the refrigerator. He had to go out to Seven Eleven to get three loaves of bread.
Several years ago the Lord had spoken to me from that passage but I couldn’t
recall what the three loaves of bread were. As I asked the Lord what they were,
suddenly it all came back. They were FORGIVENESS, LOVE, and TRUST (to believe
in them). In any human relation the first thing we owe everybody is
forgiveness. It is impossible to have any sort of a relationship with someone
without getting our feathers ruffled from time to time. Regardless of who we
are dealing with it is safe to say that the first thing we owe them is
forgiveness. I knew that I owed Brad forgiveness, but try as I might – my poor
heart was like Mother Hubbard’s cupboard. I simply couldn’t come up with it.
Dozens of times with clenched teeth I said, “I forgive Brad Jordan.” But then –
that isn’t exactly the love of Christ. I not only had to forgive Brad, but to
show the love of Christ to him. It was one thing to admit my own barrenness,
but I also had to admit that there is a Seven
Eleven where I could go to get the bread to give Brad. I had
planned on staying in Karuizawa until I was certain that he had left the
country, but the Lord told me that I had to go back and personally give the
bread to him. I couldn’t stay in bed and send someone else downstairs to give
him the bread. And the bread wasn’t for me to eat. I had to get this bread from
the Lord and give it to Brad. Friday morning it was clear that I had to go back
to Hatoyama.
But as I was facing these issues the Lord began to move in
my heart about three or four centimeters. For the first time in three years I
could consider talking to Brad in a civil manner. Then another minor – or major
– miracle happened; I suddenly thought, “Wouldn’t it be great to get a letter
from Rosemary!” That is the first time I ever considered the possibility of
corresponding with her. I doubt that it will ever happen, but for a few minutes
I basked in the dream of Rosemary coming back and gluing the family back
together again. I don’t want to be a prophet of unbelief. God can do anything.
I don’t want to be one who is a champion of unbelief, but – realistically –
there isn’t much on the board to indicate that this is what He has in mind. But
it sure was a nice dream. Now please don’t you get involved. If anything ever
happened it would have to be a clear act of God and that is something that He
has not done for 31 years. I am not asking for your assistance. On the contrary
I would request that you refrain from pushing her in anyway. I am just sharing
with you what the Lord was doing in dealing with me in my terrible attitude
towards a fine brother in the Lord, and the momentary thaw in my heart against
Rosemary.
The deal with Brad came out kind of chuto hanpa (half and
half). I told the Lord that I would go back in obedience to Him, but He was
going to have to set it up so I could talk with Brad. I got back to Hatoyama at
3 o’clock just as they were finishing
up the dedication festivities. Roald was busy showing erai visitors around and
I was standing down by the loading dock talking to some of the staff fellows.
Brad came along with several other important dignitaries and saw me standing
there. He must have been as excited to see me as I was him but he did come over
to shake hands. He simply solemnly said, “Hello, Bill. God bless you.” That was
no place to say anything major in front of those important men, so I quietly responded,
“Thank you.” and he went on. The thing is still unsettled and I feel it is
important to someday get it settled. Roald has red-lined the last two letters I
have written him, but I want to try again and see if somehow the Holy Spirit
can break down this Berlin Wall that has been in my heart for three years.
Do you remember Cliff Rimmer? He was with NLL from the late
50s on. I asked him if he knew anything about your Bible-vision that you drew
for Marvin. He said, “Yes all that stuff is in Sir Lanka and they are still
publishing it in 15 or 20 different languages.” I told him the incident you
shared with me how you saw a pitcher of a little refugee boy in Bosnia
and he had your drawing in his hand. Cliff said, “Yes, that has gone all over
the world and still is.” Cliff gave me the E-mail address; it is NLL@SirLanka.org – or something like that, I
think – but I may be mistaken. If you want to get in touch with them I could
easily get the correct address from Roald.
Did I tell you Iris Fieldhouse went to be with the Lord
seven years ago and Marvin is very happily remarried? He wrote me a letter with
a very extended testimony that was very good.
I’m not sure my stock is worth much in heaven, but I will
close this letter for now with the assurance that your name is frequently heard in heaven from my lips. Thank you for the privilege of your friendship;
In our faithful Lord Jesus, bill
