No Go!

28 July 2013


Dear Phyllis,


This has got to be one of the darkest days of my life. The lights have gone out, and I am sitting in dense darkness.


In 1950 there was a very earnest Scottish missionary on the Tibetan border of China. Shortly after the Communists took over Geoffrey Bull was arrested and plunged into three strenuous years of a severe trial. It has been many years since I read his story in, When Iron Gates Yield, but that book has got to be in the upper bracket of some of the finest books I have ever read. The loneliness, the isolation, the horrible harassment that he endured was unspeakable. For a long time he was subjected to solitary confinement, and then later had endless months of brain washing. When he was first arrested he read in Josh. 1:11, “Within three days ye shall pass over this Jordan”. He was greatly encouraged by this “promise of God”, but experience proved that it was three years and two months before he walked to freedom.


At the same time there was another missionary in Hong Kong that was undergoing a different type of trial. John Wingate (I am not sure that is the right name. Dennis Turner told me this story as he personally knew both men, but I am not sure that Wingate is the exact name) had been in Hong Kong for some time with nothing going right. He finally decided to call it a day and go back to England. But that door was closed also. Months dragged by with him locked into a boring non-existence, with the fruit of his missionary effort standing at zero, and yet flat unable to get out of Hong Kong. With nothing else to do, he used to go to Freedom Bridge every day, which was the only exit from China in those days, and watch the thousands of refugees stream across. One day a gaunt, half crazed, white man staggered across that bridge and fell in his arms. He and Geoff Bull were old friends from the same Brethren Assemble in England. In those long meaningless months that he was stuck in Hong Kong, John didn't know God was preparing him, and providing him, to be the reception committee for Geoff Bull when he was released. Two weeks later both men received a tremendous welcome in their home Assembly (church) in England.


I am not Geoff Bull or John Wingate, but there are times in life when the lights go off and nothing makes sense. Those times defy explanation, but we must believe God is working in the darkness, and someday dawn will come. When the lights do come on again, we can see more clearly God's purposes in those trials.


The only thing I know is that God has spoken in a very clear negative way that China is not a possibility at the moment. He has done three things making it impossible for me to leave Chiang Mai. The first was when I discovered that my Master Card was dead, making it impossible to get any money for my trip, and impossible to travel in China without a source of funds through an active Visa or Master Card. The second thing was when my front tooth fell out. And the third thing is discover that I am dead broke.


Two weeks ago I was greatly encouraged to receive a bank statement from my dear friend, Hirota, in Japan, saying I had more funds in the bank than I had had in several years. Things had come to such a critical situation in my marriage that our Thai pastor's wife, Ying, had suggested that perhaps the best thing would be for me to leave for a while. Now I had the money do it.


I have said for several years that if things ever closed down for me in Thailand, the next place I would go would be west China. For many years I have tried to go to Afghanistan or Pakistan. I have always had a fascination with Central Asia, and my journey three years ago to Kashgar and the Pakistan border gave me an introduction to the Uyghurs. I have mentioned them to you before. They are a minority group of Turkish extraction living in the Xinjiang province in west China. Ever since traveling and living among them I have had a burden to see this Islamic group brought to Christ. I pray for them much, and would consider it the privilege of my life if I could bring some of these marvelous people to Jesus.


After getting married two years ago I felt my days of adventure were over. But marriage has proven to be an adventure more challenging that carrying Bibles into closed countries. Nearly all my friends here say that getting married was a huge mistake. I must leave that with the Lord. All I can say is that this was not my idea. I didn't seek it, I didn't want it, and I said no four times. But Pammy kept getting set in front of me, and I was greatly bewildered how “the Lord” changed my heart each time. Finally when I spoke with pastor Kitchikun, I was amazed that he knew her and recommended her. On the basis of that, I felt the Lord had given a green light, and I married her in obedience to Christ – not out of hormonal necessity. This is my position now. I tell Jesus, “This is Your idea, not mine, and You will have to fix it.”


Our relationship was tremendously tumultuous from the beginning. She got so violent a couple of times that I had to wrestle her down and pin her to the floor to protect myself from bodily injury. Fortunately that has stopped, and we haven't had a physical fight in 20 months. And we have few arguments. That is basically because I have eased up on exploding. I could fill journals of shocking things that have happened. It isn't that edifying to talk about the failures of others, but she has consistently demonstrated the most unusual characteristics.


Time is a major problem. It is rare that she fixes supper. She has next to nothing to do here at home, and is gone most days. Where she goes, I don't know. A consistent exchange would be, “Where were you today?” “I was with my friend.” “What were you doing?” “I was helping her.” “What type of work does she do?” “She needs my help?” End of exchange. I know nothing. Consistently I asked, “What time will you be home?” “Six o'clock.” But then she gets home at 9:00. The reason we lost our daughter, Annie, was basically because Pammy was below the minimum level of what is required of a mother to responsibly take care of a child. On several occasions it has been midnight or later when she comes home. I am totally lost for an explanation on where she is or what she is doing until midnight. On several other occasions she has not come home at all. Six weeks ago she left to go out for three hours on Sunday afternoon, and I never saw her, or heard from her, again until noon the next Friday. At that point I decided the only option was divorce. But she said she didn't want to get divorced. I forgave her and, of course, she promised never to do that again. But there have been three more nights since then when she has not come home. Last Friday she was going out for a few hours and would be home by 5:00. She never called or came home. The next day I learned she was at her sister's house in Lampan, 100 km away. Last night she did come home with her sister at 10:30. At lest I know where she was.


Truth is a major problem. Her lies are so ridiculous they are insulting. I have given up asking, as the things she answers are so far off the wall it is pointless.


But finances are nuclear. I foolishly trusted her to handle finances. Last November I was stunned to get a financial report from Japan saying that she had drawn four months support in one month putting us four months behind. When I saw what she had done, I asked Hirota san to cancel that ATM card. That meant from December through March we had zero support. I have no idea how we lived with no visible support for four months, but somehow the Lord was faithful, and we survived. When we finally got our nose above water, and we got a new ATM card, I hid it. After some time she gained my confidence enough to where I felt it wasn't necessary to be that careful about hiding the ATM card. I foolishly left it in a drawer. She knows that is off-limits. But then when I went to use it, I couldn't find it. I turned the house upside down looking for that dumb thing, and finally had to asked Hirota san to get me a new card. Two weeks ago I was delighted to know that our bank balance was so good, but I was stunned when I tried to draw money and discovered that the ATM card didn't work. Yesterday I learned the answer. Pammy had obviously taken the ATM card out of the drawer where I had placed it, and, in ten days, overdrew the $2,000 limit. That is why it is dead And that also drained all the money we had in our bank account. Now we are back at square one, to live for a couple of months with zero support. And I can't go anywhere – certainly not China. And I can't get my missing tooth fixed.


A friend has consistently warned me that Pammy is a sociopath. I didn't know what that was but checked it out on Internet. I have known for some time that her behavior is not normal. If she is a sociopath that would explain a great deal. One of the characteristics of people with this malady is that they are void of conscience. In their mind they just can't determine the difference between right and wrong. Sociopaths can kill someone and not realize that is wrong. Pammy does the most bizarre things where she must know she is going to get caught, and not take that into consideration. Then when she does get caught she lightly says, “Oh, I am sorry.”


Pammy claims to be a very earnest Christian. She is the most aggressive witness for Christ I have ever seen. Her Facebook is full of Christian things. She is highly offended when accused that she isn't saved. She was a lady pastor in Lampan four years ago. She was in Bible school when we met. She is very popular and has a good reputation among her Christian friends. She is a tremendous soul-winner. She loves praise music. Her prayers are lengthy. Her Bible is well marked. Yet she, incontestably, is walking in darkness. There is no way you could say Jesus has control of her life.


Where does that leave me? I DETEST DIVORCE! God hates divorce and so do I – with a passion. I took a vow before God to be a faithful husband – regardless of her performance. So far I have endeavored to keep that vow. Nearly everyone is advising me to get a divorce. Several have warned she is a dangerous woman. She has run me aground three times. With her lack of responsibility she has a poor reputation among unsaved people here. My view of scripture gives only two reasons for divorce – adultery and abandonment (Mt. 19:9; 1 Cor. 7:15). I have no idea whether or not Pammy has been unfaithful. It is hard to believe that she doesn't have another man, but she adamantly denies that charge, and I want to believe her. Is lying and taking money grounds for divorce? She obviously doesn't come close to fulfilling the wedding vows of a Christian woman or obeying the Bible. But does that excuse me? Oddly enough, when I consider that she may be a sociopath, my strongest emotion is sorrow. If she is a sick woman, I feel I have a responsibility to try to help her. But psychologist say there is no cure for sociopaths. Psychologist call it sickness, but God calls it SIN. Should I stay with it knowing she will be unfaithful, lie, steal, and get me in serious trouble at every turn? It is pure madness to consider trusting her for anything. That is impossible. My prayer to God is to see her delivered from the devil and see the salvation of this marriage. But, man howdy, that is a tall order. Naturally speaking there is no hope. But with God all things are possible.


I was hoping to be in Kashgar witnessing to Uyghurs about this time, but now I am broke and can't go anywhere. This is a dark time. But when morning comes, Jesus will stand on the shore (Jn. 21:4).


Arigato gozaimasu (thank you),
bill

Still Looking for Guidance

21 July 2013


Dear Phyllis,


It is with burning ears and blushing cheeks that I write you today. I am embarrassed. Three years I was determined to go to Afghanistan. A friend gave me $500 to get there and took me to the bus station for a tearful farewell. I got to Laos on schedule, but the next morning I was brushing my teeth, getting ready to go to the Chinese embassy to get a Chinese visa, when a tooth fell out. Laos is no place for dental work, and my top-flight dentist in Chiang Mai was only 10 hours away. After such a dramatic send-off on my epic journey, I was a little embarrassed to show up again in Chiang Mai to get my tooth fix. But two weeks later I did get on another bus, and started out again. This time I got to the Chinese embassy, with all the teeth in my mouth, only to discover that China was flat closed down for the Olympics. There was no way I could get a visa for China. That was the end of my Afghanistan journey. I gave the brother his money back.


When I wrote you last week I was totally committed to head west to Kashgar in west China. There was nothing on the horizon to prevent me from going. Wednesday I went to the bank to see about getting US dollars and then went to an ATM machine to draw funds for my trip. For the first time ever the ATM machine refused to honor my Master ATM card. I tried eight different machines with the same result each time. The next day I took Pammy with me to the bank to see if she could figure out what was wrong. The bottom line is, that this is a problem that can only get untangled in Japan. Here I am still in Chiang Mai.


I feel like I went to the barn to ride my horse only to discover that my horse had a broken leg. Or I got in my car only to discover that the engine was gone. I can't move without my horse or car.


I knew a lady in Japan who felt singularly responsible for Japan's defeat in the war. She felt it was because of her lack of devotion and sacrifice that her country had lost. To atone for her sin there was only one thing she could do. She went to Tokyo, and got on the Imperial grounds to commit suicide. That was as close as she could get to the emperor. She took a massive does of sleeping pills, but was shattered several hours later to wake up to discover that she had vomited those pills in her sleep. In great grief and distress she lamented, “I am so bad even the gods won't have me.” Sister Enoue was later saved and became a great Bible woman for the Mino Mission. I feel a little like Sister Enoue when she woke up and exclaimed, “Even the gods won't have me”. I want to give my life for Jesus, but Jesus won't have me.


The Lord knows my heart. The Lord knows I mean business in my commitment to go to west China to raise the flag for Jesus, but obviously He isn't accepting my offer at this point. Cain was angry when he made a sacrifice that the Lord would not accept. The Lord has been extremely gracious in keeping me from that pouting spirit. I am disappointed that Jesus has put up a red flag, but I accept this as His decision at this point.


I have long been sympathetic with Peter in his famous failure in “denying the Lord”. Some have equated Peter's moment of weakness to Judas, but there is no resemblance. There was never anything in Judas remotely close to Peter's heart. He was dead honest when he vowed, “Lord I will lay down my life for Thy sake.” (Jn 13:37). More than that he proved it shortly afterwards when, the soldiers appeared to arrest Jesus. Peter was the first one to pull out the sword and dive into the crowd swinging. He wanted to go down fighting. But it was a terrible embarrassment to him when the Lord stopped him, told him to put up his sword, and corrected the damage Peter had done. That would have been a hard one to deal with.


CT Studd's famous plea was, “When the captains come to call, may they find my body nearest the wall”. Studd wanted to lead the charge, and go down in the hottest part of the battle. I am no CT Studd, but there is something in my heart that, when the last bell rings, I would prefer to have a sword in my hand rather than a shuffle board stick. It grieves me that I am made of such soft material that the Lord has consigned me to the R and R center. Rather than a sword it seems the Lord has given me a broom to be a street sweeper to clean the streets of His Kingdom. If that is the case I still want to be the most dedicated street sweeper He has, but I told the Lord I would rather exchange my broom for a sword. That request might be denied. I would joyously be a dirty coat under the feet of Jesus' donkey if I could only make Jesus 1 cm (½ inch) higher. When I get the Master ATM card fixed I will try to get to west China again, but that may require higher official approval.


We all know God has three answers to prayer – YES , NO, or WAIT. Of these three responses the most gracious one is NO. That is much more valuable than a YES. While we all want a YES to our requests, that can be dangerous. A NO is a clear sign of the Lord protective hand. The mother who is unrestricted may allow a child to run out in front of a car. The worst possible scenario is when the Lord takes His protective Hand off us and allows us to have our own way. That is one thing I really don't want. It is a deadly condition when the Lord backs off and says, “Okay, do what you want”. There are two peddles in a car. The right one is the gas. The left one is the brakes. Which one is the most important? A car without an accelerator peddle is useless, but a car without brakes is deadly. Both peddles are important but the brake peddle is by far the most important. That is why God's NOs are His most gracious responses.


This is the first time I have ever had this problem with a Master ATM card. I have written my friends, the Hirotas, in Japan, who handle my bank account. I don't know what the problem is, or how to correct it, and must leave that up to them. Unfortunately, when I have lost my ATM card before it took a long time to get a new one. The last time was well over a month. That means I am dead in the water until I can get some way of getting funds out of Japan again. And it means the Lord will have to figure some other way to get money to us to live on in the mean time.


I have been having a very good time each morning at the kindergarten teaching children English. The director, Singha, and I have a very strong bond. I was a little embarrassed the other day when he told me that I was like his father. He is 50 years old but treats me like his father. This morning he came up from behind me and put his arms around me. That is unusual in the Orient. Earlier in the week, when I told him I was leaving for China and that would be my last week, he said, “I believe God. And I believe God will not let you go.” He isn't saved yet, and that was an amazing statement for a Buddhist to say. And by “God” he means more my God – not Buddha. A few months ago he was very close to salvation.


For two days last week he was gone, and had another person translate for me in class. I had worked with this gal previously, and was determined to get in a strong lick for the Lord. After class I spoke with her about her soul. She is a Buddhist, and unusually dead. I couldn't get anywhere with her the first day. But the second day I made another run at it. It usually is not a meaningful approach to speak to Buddhists about heaven. In their mind they don't view death and heaven with a western mentality. But this gal had western influence enough that I gave it a hard go. I asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?” Predictably, she wasn't too keen at first, but finally came around that heaven would be a desirable destination. Then I asked, “Do you know how to get to heaven?” This was well outside her normal box of thinking, but she was intrigued that I said I knew how. Then she asked if I would tell her how to get to heaven. “If I tell you, will you do exactly what I say?” “Not if it is too difficult.” “No, it isn't difficult.”


Then I took a 5 baht coin (`15 cents) out of my pocket. I held it up asking, “Whose money is this?” “Yours.” “I want to give it to you. To make it yours, what do you have to do?” You would not believe how difficult that was. For 15 minutes we went round and round. Naka naka (I don't know how to say that in English) I couldn't get her to take it. After some time Singha showed up. I explained to him that I was trying to give Mae 5 baht, but she wouldn't take it. He understood what I was trying to do. I asked, “What is the verb that I am after?” “Take it” I said, “That is right. She has to take it, receive it, accept it, etc.” Then I turned to him and asked,”Will you take it?” “Yes, of course. Thank you.” Although that was a physical incident I thought it was a clear spiritual illustration of what I was up against. Mae is very hard and far from the Lord, and I feel Singha is close to salvation. He is spiritually responsive and she is closed.


Several years ago I was visiting a church in Kumamoto, Japan. After the service, I was sharing the Gospel with an unbeliever. In my attempt to win him to Christ I used the same technique with a 100 yen coin. I had forgotten all about that exchange, but two years later I was back in the same church. A wonderful brother came up to me, and pulled at 100 yen coin out of his pocket. He asked, “Do you remember this?” I didn't. Then he said, “I accepted Jesus and this is the coin you gave me.” . Oh that is wonderful! How gracious the Lord is to take our simple words and illustrations, and use them to give eternal life to needy souls. In Kumamoto the Lord used my 100 yen coin to give to a man something that could not be purchased with billions of dollars. I haven't pressed the issue with Singha yet, but if he would accept God's offer of eternal salvation with the same ease as he accepted my 5 baht coin, I would be one happy camper.


Another interesting development happened Friday. Singha and Lek (his wife) called my friends Paul and Marisa saying that they had a fairly large piece of property behind their school that they want to give to me to build a house and a church on. They want to give this to me for our permanent home free. Paul was wild. He said, “Man, I wouldn't even pray about that. I would just grab it.”


This is not a first time experience. On four previous occasions, in Japan, I have had people offer me land and houses free. On two occasions the property was worth close to $1,000,000. In retrospect, I praise God that I turned them all down. In view of what happened to my family, and the Lord's path for me since then, it would have been a terrible albatross to have those places. At 77 the only property that I have on this planet is a small 6 foot plot in a cemetery in Greenville where my son TJ is buried. Jesus promised that no one would ever give up houses and families for His sake that wouldn't receive hundred fold in this life, and eternal life in the one to come (Mk. 10:29,30). I don't own a house but it is interesting that the Lord has given me some of the finest homes to live in, and offers me five different places. It is 99% that I will not accept this offer either.


The Lord knows His own mind. I certainly don't. I was totally convinced that He was directing me to head for Kashgar last week. Obliviously I was wrong. It will probably take some time to get my Master Card sorted out in Japan. Until that happens I have no choice but stay here. As things stand now, as soon as that road block is clear I will be on my way again. It is increasingly difficult staying here. Lord, Thy will be done.


God bless you. And may the will of God be done in this poor wandering sheep;
bill

China?

14 July 2013

Dear Phyllis,

Five years ago it was my great privilege to go on a life-altering trip to Pakistan. Ever since then I have been trying to get back. Three years ago I had a plane ticket to Islamabad and went to Bangkok for a visa. No soap. The visa department head at the Pakistani embassy was unusually kind but explained to me that the security situation in Pakistan had changed so that the Taliban is salivating for any American tourist to show up to use for hostages. With the front door closed, I determined to try the back door of an arrival visa going through China. That also proved to be a very major event.

I knew there was a bus connection between Vientiane, Laos and Kunming, China. I first went to Laos and got my China visa through the Chinese embassy. I purchased my bus ticket through the guest house where I always stay, but ran into an unexpected problem the next day when I got on the bus. Fifteen minutes before departure, the bus man was checking the tickets and told me, “This is not a ticket.” That was interesting news. I asked, “Where do you get a ticket?” But his English was limited to “This is not a ticket” and we wound up in a two phrase go-around making no progress. Fortunately, there was a Chinese girl on the bus who was bilingual who came to my rescue. I don't know what happened other than she told me to sit down and everything turned out alright.

Twenty four hours later we had just crossed into China and had a one hour noon bus stop at the border city of Mengla. I was walking up and down the street looking for a restaurant when I saw the girl that had helped me the day before. I said, “If you know a good restaurant I will buy you lunch.” We did find one, and when they served the food she turned to me asking, “Are you a Christian?” “Why do you ask?” “I am a Christian and we always pray before a meal.” When she found out who I was, she said, “You should meet my brother who is a pastor in Kunming.” I told her, “I will buy you a ticket to Kunming, if you will go with me, and introduce me to your brother.” That started a very profitable relationship with Rosy.

It was through her that I met her brother and a fruitful segment of the underground church in China. And it was through that contact that we were able to get 5,000 Bibles to a group who were doing amazing work among students. Rosy was a missionary sent out by a house church in China living in Vientiane. She told me that her mother was a very active Christian who had started a church in her own home, that had grown to 1,200 members. I said, “I would really like to meet your mother.” A year later Rosy had finished her tour in Laos and was returning home. I needed to take a survey trip to China and we came up with a plan for an extensive tour to visit her home and several other major areas. The first two stops were excellent, but we were having serious social problems in getting along together. Her English was good, but she was a young, highly choleric, totally self-absorbed, girl that made horizontal communication nearly impossible. On the train trip from Yuan to her home, communication went to zero. She got locked up and refused to speak to me. We were thirty minutes from her home when things got so bad I simply took my backpack, and got off the train to return to Chiang Mai. That was the last time I saw Rosy. And it was also the last time I have been in China.

Recently I have been praying about making another major trip to China with the possibility of moving up there. For many years I have had a great interest in Central Asia. This is one of the most remote places on the planet and it is the heart of the 10-40 window. From west China to Jerusalem you have the Muslim block countries of the world. The Chinese house church is targeting this area with their Back to Jerusalem movement. I intensely want to join them in their burden to reach that area for Christ. Xinjiang (pronounced Sing jiang) is the largest province in China and one of the most sparsely populated. It is a huge area of west China that borders with Pakistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, Russia, and Mongolia. It is clearly the doorway to the Islamic nations. Xinjiang is populated by a Middle Eastern minority group, the Uyghurs. The Uyghurs have been there for millenniums and are of Turkish extraction. Geographically Uyghurs are part of China but genetically they are as different from the Han Chinese as the Navajo are from the British.

Ever since my visit to Xinjiang I have had a great interest and burden for the Uyghurs. In response to Jesus' commanded us to pray the Lord of the harvest to thrust forth labors into the harvest I have been praying that the Father raise up mighty men of God to be evangelists and apostles to the Uyghurs in Xinjiang. I know I will never be such a man but I would like to get in a lick or two and have a Uyghur fruit in my basket to set before the Lord when I am called into account for my life.

Kashgar is the end of the line in China. That is as far west as you can get. It was a major stop on the ancient Silk Road and still a key city today. I was in Kashgar a couple of times on my attempted trip to get into Pakistan three years ago. I don't know if it is of the Lord or my flesh, but I have been thinking much about going to Kashgar to live for the next few years. The first step towards that would be an exploratory trip there again to see if I could get a job, and what living there would entail. It definitely is not on the main tourist route. Kashgar isn't Bangkok or Hong Kong. Only the most serious travelers get that far off the beaten path. I would imagine there is a fairly good possibility of getting a job as an English teacher. If I could get one with a university that would guarantee a visa and living expense.

After a three year silence I took a chance to see if Rosy was still on the line. I was surprised to receive a friendly response from her, and was pleased to hear that she got married. (My heart goes out to the poor turkey that got stuck with her.) She seems quite desirous to reestablish contact with me and strongly encouraged me to visit. Hearing from Rosy changes the picture somewhat. I don't know to what degree she is still able to help me or what the Lord would have me do in China. I was always grieved that I was unable to keep up the supply of Bibles that I had promised the group in Yuan. They were wonderful Christians who were seeing thousands saved each year. It has been three years since I have had much contact with China and I have heard very little about what is going on up there. If there is still a desperate need for Bibles, and they are still available through New Life League, it would be a worthy venture to see if I could bring the dots together again. To do that I would need Rosy. I know nothing about her husband, but if he would be a key worker, this would be an excellent team. Where they are living in Shanxi is a long ways from Kashgar. It is further than it is from Cleveland to Los Angeles. I wouldn't ask them to help me go that far west, but it would be interesting to visit them and see what is happening in Shanxi.

Needless to say something like this is major guidance. I have no desire to go outside the directive will of God. Is this trip of the Lord? We have been extremely financially strapped for well over half a year. It seems the Lord has brought us briefly out of that desert and for the first time in a couple of years I may be in a financial position to make such a trip. There are several other things on the table requesting money and I must know where the Lord wants me to make the investment.

It isn't that I don't like Chiang Mai. It would be hard to imagine a more comfortable place to live at this time. Several years ago my friend Luke Kuepfer was lamenting that there were a number of senior Christians who had gone to Fort Lauderdale, Fla. to spend their twilight years playing shuffle board, when there was a need for senior Christians here in Chiang Mai. He was wondering how he could get these retirees out of Fort Lauderdale to serve the Lord in Thailand. I said, “Forget it! If they have that mentality you haven't lost a thing. Let them stay in Fort Lauderdale and play shuffle board. Lord, send us soldiers for Christ!” Now I wonder how my life is much different than theirs. I would rather live in Chiang Mai than Fort Lauderdale and what I am doing every day is more interesting than playing shuffle board. But am I really serving Christ? I didn't sign up for an easy life. I don't want to rust out. I have had an ambition to be a terrorist for Christ.

I believe the Lord has raised up Islamic terrorists to shame the church of Christ. I am appalled at the gutlessness of Christians and missionaries. The name-of-the-game seems to be “what is the safest, easiest, most comfortable approach?” We have come to the place in world missions where traditional missionary methods won't work. What we need today is suicide bombers for Jesus. We need people who will strap a bomb of the love of God to their bodies and go to the most dangerous places to see how many they can get saved. If these crazy Islamic terrorist are so dedicated to their religion to go into markets to see how many they can kill, what excuse do we have if we hold back from going out and see how many we can get saved? The early Moravians weren't thinking about their retirement policy when they left all to go to foreign countries with the Gospel. Over the centuries hundreds – perhaps thousands – of missionaries have been killed. Giving your life for Jesus was supposed to be part of the call. But that isn't true in America today. Fortunately, the Chinese have a different attitude. Many of the Back to Jerusalem Christians are going out one way. They don't expect to come back. I doubt that the Lord will give me my request to give my life for Him. In all probability, I will wind up rusting out in a junk pile somewhere, but before I get too rusty I would like to get back to Kashgar and get in a few licks for Jesus.

Bravado and a death wish is not the index for spiritual guidance. It is true that the Lord has giving us all things to enjoy (1Tim 6:17) and we should enjoy the life He has given us. I sure do. I couldn't enjoy Chiang Mai more. But I am uncomfortable making shavings in my shop every day when there are so few carrying the flag for Jesus in the more difficult places in the world. I have long felt that I was the most expendable turkey in the Lord's inventory. Getting married two years ago changed that slightly, but we are at square one in guidance concerning the marriage. I am satisfied, but Pammy has never made the grade to have the mentality of a married woman. She has an incurable problem abut staying out very late and sometimes not coming home at all. It is a weekly event for her to promise to be home by 5:00 or 6:00. I plead with her, “If you can't make it, please call.” Some times she does call at 8:00 and promises to be home in half an hour. Then two or three hours later she may come home. This happens almost every week.

God hates divorce and so do I. I made a promise to God to be a faithful husband, but at this point I am not sure what would be the thing that would help Pammy the most. Lord willing next week I should be in Laos on my first stop on my way to Kashgar. This is not to say I will never return. I may. But I do want to look into the possibility that the Lord may be moving me west again. This morning I read in Isaiah 43:5, “I will gather thee from the west.” Most of the Bible promises I get turn out to be false. I am not saying that this is a Word from the Lord to me – but if it is – perhaps this may be my last trip and the next one will be vertically. I am not even saying that next week my letter will be from Laos. But today it looks very strong.

When you speak with Jesus this week you might remind Him that He has a very weak sheep in Thailand that desperately wants to do His will .

Until then,

bill

Neil Verwey Letter 2

7 July 2013 (letter #2)

Dear Phyllis,

As I mentioned in letter #1 recently I have written several letters to my friend Neil Verwey who is waist deep wading out in the River on his way to heaven at the moment. This week I want to share with you some of what I wrote to Neil Verwey. Rather than putting this together in one long letter I have decided to send out two separate letters. This is letter #2.

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1 Jul 2013

Dear Neil,

I believe it was around 1967 that JB Friends was in Karuizawa as the conference speaker. One night he told, from the pulpit, a story, and quoted a poem, that made such a profound impression on me that I never forgot it. The story goes:

Around the turn of early part of the 1900s a young missionary with the JEB was going out to preach one day. As he was walking along he noticed in a open house a man lying on a mat with a book that looked like a Bible. Bibles were so rare in those days that the man stopped to inquire what it was. Indeed it was a Bible. And he met a most unusual believer. This man was dying of TB but somehow had fallen heir to a Bible. He had never met a Christian in his life, but simply by reading the Word he had been saved and led into the deeper life. Before they parted the dying man said to the missionary, “I have written a poem. If you would be interested I would like to give you a copy.” Indeed it was an amazing poem which was later translated by Barkley Buxton. The poem goes as follows:

With Him, with Him upon the Tree'

Ah this, yes this is rest at last.

Here is the souls felicity

Here is the crown of victory

Here is all sorrow past.

With Him with Him Upon the Tree

Here all my pain and grief have died

I look in vain for misery

For joy is all that I can see

With Jesus crucified.

Strong pain hath held me in its sway

For six long weary, weary, years

And yet my heart is always gay

My lips are singing everyday

I have no time for tears

No tears and yet the more His grace

Doeth this my joyful heart ore'flow

The more 'tis torn by fierce distress

The while I see a wooing grace

Rush to it form of woe.

I have never heard such prose that expresses the Christian life. The contradiction of it; and yet the reality of it; that is the Christian life.

No tears and yet the more His grace

Doeth this my joyful heart ore'flow

The more tis torn by fierce distress

The while I see a wooing grace

Rush to its form of woe.

This is the Christian life.

Oh Neil, how amazing! I can scarcely imagine the grace of God to mold such a man in the early 1900s in Japan. The miracle of this poem! The miracle that it was translated by Barkley Buxton. How amazing that 50 years later JB Friends could quote that from a pulpit in Karuizawa, and then another 50 years latter I could send it to you from Thailand. Oh what will heaven be like? I can't wait to see that brother and tell him the enormous impact his ministry has had for so many years. He never got off his mat lying there dying in that dusty village in Japan, and yet his testimony has blessed hundreds around the world for many years.

Did you know Ted and Phyllis Brannen? Phyllis was an artist. I remember some Bible story kamishibai (picture cards) that she drew in 1959 in Tokyo. In 1997 she showed me a picture she saw in a magazine of a little boy in Bosnia holding a picture of that kamishibai she drew. But the shocker of all shockers; I was staying with some Karen minority people in a small village in northwest Thailand on the Burma border. The Christian lady there was using the same kamishibai to teach those little children about Jesus that Phyllis drew in Tokyo in 1959. I was stunned that Phyllis' art work had penetrated a remote corner of Thailand to reach refuge children from Burma. I couldn't believe it! I asked the Karen sister where she got that kamishibai and she told me that someone from Australia had sent it to her. I wonder how much your life has blessed thousands in every corner of this globe. You certainly have blessed this poor man.

Joyfully,

bill

Crossing of Neil Verwey Letter 1

7 July 2013

Dear Phyllis,

Neil Verwey is one of the closest friends I have on this planet. A few months ago Neil sent out a letter sharing that he had been diagnosed with cancer. He didn't seem to be too concerned about that prognosis at that time and apparently it was unclear what the future was going to be for him. But more recent correspondence says he is fighting severe pain at this point. That is serious. I have sent Neil a couple letters recently that I would like to share with you. This weeks PB letter will be my letters to Neil.

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29 Jun 2013

Dear Neil,

My heart is so full I scarcely know what to write. As I was praying for you this morning tears began to flow, and they have hardly stopped since. I am so happy for you. I am so envious. My only consolations is that someday I will catch up, and we can rehearse together the things that I do sitting here by myself thinking about you.

When I was in Karuizawa I climbed Mt. Asama 10 or 15 times. I always enjoyed climbing it, but that was no easy task. The entrance at the lower level was very pleasant walking though a wooded area that was fairly level. But when you got nearer the top, it was just a matter of exhaustingly putting one foot in front of the other, wondering if you would ever get to the top. I always admired stronger climbers who seemed to have endless energy and were 100 meters up in front of me. I envied where they were and wondered if I would ever make it that far.

Dear Neil, you are the pace setter. None of us has been able to keep up with you. I can only imagine that I was with you and could enjoy the scenery that is yours right now. I don't know which is better the view forward or the one backwards. Both are spectacular.

The Lord only made one Neil Verwey. What a start! Being born and raised in the Kalahari desert; I believe you told me that you never had shoes on your feet until you were 16. Who can match that story? Gomen nasai but I don't recall the details of how Jesus got His hands on you, but I do remember that as a teenager you had a single passion for Christ. I recall how you worked as a mechanic in a garage and had a strong testimony with all who worked there. I remember how, when you left to go to the mission field, you climbed up to the top of the rafters and nailed your hat on the ceiling as a testimony; that you wanted everyone, when they looked up and saw that hat they would remember the lad who told them about Jesus. I remember how years later you went back to see if that hat was still nailed to the ceiling.

I believe it was around 1952 that you came to Japan with the JEB. You had a vision of reaching the bottom strata of Japanese society that was not shared by the JEB. At that time the lowest level of Japanese society was the TB sanatoriums and the dying patients. The JEB wanted you to do church planting but you wanted to reach those who were closest to eternity. There was that young zealous single girl from England that became your partner. Oh my goodness, what a legacy! After your first term you went back to South Africa to start the Japan Mission. That proved to be a pivotal moment for missions in Japan. In the years that followed JM became the leader in every outreach in Japan from radio ministry, to making top-of-the-line Christian films. Those two Korean films were the best ever made. You told me how, in the early days, in your hospital visitations, transistor radios had just been invented. As you walked from ward to ward you saw those little radios sitting on ever stand beside the beds. And you thought if you could get on radio you could reach every one in the hospital plus millions at home. That started the Voice of Joy broadcast that became a major evangelistic outreach. Then you got into printing with Yorokobi no Izumi. Oh my goodness, how many millions of copies of that have been distributed. I am sure, since the Gospel has been in Japan, there has been no single couple, as you and Peggy, who have had such an extensive outreach in so many areas with hospital evangelism, radio, audio-visual, printing, MK Christian school, Joy Club; and a raft of other things of which I am not aware. I have only mentioned the surface things, but the Lord has recorded the full ministry. Oh my goodness what an enormous swath you have cut for God! I can only imagine the gratitude that must be in your heart for all the things the Lord has allowed you to do for Him.

And the fellowship along the way: you have sat in the fist class section and been with some of the greatest people of God of the past 20^th and 21^st century. You have been a close friend of every major evangelist in Japan. But the one that stands out the most to me is your relationship with JB Friends. He was one of the rarest men of God I ever met. I never met a man who had less naturally and more spiritually. To shake hands with him was like picking up a dead fish. But when he stood to speak, I feared for the pulpit, that he would tare it apart. When he opened the Word of God, it sounded like thunder. I once invited them to stay with us in Karuizawa, but he said he was staying with the Neil Verweys in Osaka. What a privilege to have a man like that to be one of your closest associates! That would be like being friends with Andrew Murray.

Your view backward has got to be one of the most privileged of any man who ever walked on this planet, but that is not to be compared to the view that is just in front of you as you near the top. The Japanese translators didn't have the courage to accurately translate Heb. 12:22-24. The Bible say, “You are come...” (present tense) but the Shinkai yaku says “You are getting nearer...” Andrew Murray brings out that the original is true. Positionally we are there because we are “in Christ”, and this is certainly the central teaching of Ephesians – seated with Him in heavenly places (Eph. 2:5). But experientially things do look different as we approach the City. Even from my perspective from the lower slope, heaven looks considerably different than it did when I was younger. Bunyan said, as Christian neared the River, he could begin to see the sights and hear the sounds from the other side.

In the 1950s Korea used to have a distinctive smell about it. Flying over it we could smell it in our oxygen masks when we descended below 10,000 feet. When you went into a village, the smell was much stronger than in the country. Going up to Karsuizawa from Tokyo by train, it used to be a sensual experience just to get off the train and breathe. The air in Karuizawa smelled like steak. The pollution was bad in Tokyo and being in a train was like being in a smoke house, but when I got off at Karuizawa, that clear fresh mountain air was so wonderful I used to just stand at the eki and inhale. What we can smell of Emanuel's land from here is just a faint wisp but even that gives us some indication of the fragrance of heaven. I am sure you can smell it much more clearly than I. And I am sure you can hear some of the sounds from the other shore more clearly than I. Oh just to get a wisp of the fragrance and hear faint sounds gives us fresh strength to press on. The nearer we get, the better it gets.

Oh Neil, how very very fortunate you are. As I said before, I am sure Peggy is more anxious to see you than you are to see her. She has so much to show you. JB Friends will be there to shake your hand. Oh how I would love to hug that brother again. The list is enormous. Truly it is a great cloud of witnesses that is there watching. I am down here below you wiping the sweat off my face and panting for breath. But just looking up at you gives me fresh strength. Do you see why tears flow as I pray for you? You have done so well. And you are so near the wire. My path pales in comparison to the trail you have blazed, but it is a fact that someday we can all sit together and enjoy another cup of tea.

When you see her, please give my love to Peggy and to JB Friends.

Gambatte iruing, (hanging tough, giving it my best shot)

bill